The Remarkable CM Community Thread

[Jasminebed]

A ventriloquist is driving between shows, when his car breaks down at the bottom of a hill on a rural road. No cell phone reception, so he walks up to the farmhouse to ask to use the phone.

Farmer lets him in, and they call for a tow truck. Going to be a couple of hours to get there however.

To have a bit of fun, the ventriloquist asks the farmer to show him around.

So first they visit the horse in the paddock. Ventriloquist says, "Bet you didn't know horses could talk"

Farmer replies, "I've been farming my whole life, I've never heard a horse speak".

"Go ahead, ask him how he is" says the ventriloquist. The farmer does so.

"How to you think I am? All you ever do is ride me and beat me, and what do I get? Nothing but Hay Hay" the ventriloquist has the horse appear to say.

"Wow," says the farmer, "Farmed all my life, never heard a horse talk before".

"Bet those cows can talk too", says the ventriloquist.

"No way, I've been farming my whole life, I've never heard a cow speak. Maybe horses can talk, but they are pretty smart, cows aren't".

So off they go up to a cow. "How are you"? says the farmer to the cow.

"How do you think I am. You squeeze my teats, and milk me dry, and what do I get? Nothing but Hay Hay". Well, the farmer is dumbfounded.

"Let's go visit those sheep over there next" suggests the ventriloquist.

Farmer looks him dead in the eye. "Sheep lie"

 

[Jasminebed]

Wanted to say thank you for this comp Maria, one we call all enjoy whether we win or not. I wish I could like all of them, will try to wait until later to have a chance to read them all.

 

[Supababe]

Congrats Mina x gl
And thanks lotusch

 

[Jono777]

Well done Mina, something nice for you to wake up to - good luck!

I partially misunderstood the comp, I thought we had to post just the amount w/d from Trada

 

[mariafbb]

managed now to read some of the jokes.lol, they crack me up

 

[CC07]

Thanks for the comp Lotusch

I’ll guess 327

 

[greylady]

Thanks for the comp Lotusch

I’ll guess 327

Too late!

Mina already won

 

[colinsunderland]

Few more, just for fun

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, she said, "No."
I responded "how about now? "


Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.


The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him.
My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the fucking dog!


Hi Steve
This is Peter next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much… I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Regards, Peter

Steve, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-

Hi Steve This is Peter next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Peter”


The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”


I said to my wife the other day,..
“Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She said “I don’t like to ring you when you’re at work!”


The wife said I only want sex when I'm drunk, I told her that's not true, sometimes I want a kebab

 

[Reelsoffun]

Thanks, I will go for 480 Hope it was more

 

[dionysus]

Thanks, I will go for 480 Hope it was more

pretty sure there isnt one currently running

 

[Chipkin9]

Thanks, I will go for 480 Hope it was more

It was way much more...€1000 I think he said when he ended the comp

 

[Jono777]

Well my fellow CM'ers, the time has come to start our new remarkable thread.

What better way to kick-start the action with a giveaway.

AUD50 will go to the member who guesses the overall win in AU$ from a bonus round on Immortal Romance.

Amber delivered the goods early on with a nearly 400x bet pay but the question is, how much did the entire round pay?

Usual rules: minimum Full Member or 50 posts since registration. Can transfer with Ecopayz, Neteller and PayPal. Contest will stay open until tomorrow 6am CET.

View attachment 93782

I think I shall go for 2K please Harry



Ps: This is an extra entry for Maria's contest also

 

[mariafbb]

pretty sure there isnt one currently running

of course there is one, peeps need to tell jokes to lighten up up the mood

 

[Chipkin9]

I think I shall go for 2K please Harry



Ps: This is an extra entry for Maria's contest also

You already entered Maria, you don't get a go twice

 

[mariafbb]

You already entered Maria, you don't get a go twice

but it's so funny
I knew Jono had it in him

 

[mina1929]

WoW you guessed it spot on so I guess the comp is closed now. Well done!!
Just PM me your Skrill / Neteller or IBAN and BIC and I will get your win paid right away!

Will do another comp as soon as possible. ^^
Always nice to share a bit of your winnings.

Wow thanks so much, I will pm you shortly

 

[Flyer187]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick

 

[Reelsoffun]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

 

[Jono777]

What do you call a CM regular who can't stop losing?

Jono3.1412657284964........

 

[lotusch]

Funds transferred Mina.
3-5 days it will take as it has to travel across the Irish sea all the way to Australia.
Let me know when you did receive the funds so I know all worked out.

Mark.

 

[mariafbb]

What do you call a CM regular who can't stop losing?

Jono3.1412657284964........

 

[Supababe]

What do you call a CM regular who can't stop losing?

Jono3.1412657284964........

What do you call a CM-er who can’t stop losing but has still qualified for April’s freerolls at VS despite the ridiculously high requirements?

Skint.

 

[Scott1baird]

Did you hear about the good dunovers video?




Neither has anyone else.

 

[mariafbb]

aaaaaaand Glass got 25€
fantastic joke babe

 

[dionysus]

aaaaaaand Glass got 25€
fantastic joke babe

ahahahahahhah
(believe me, i rarely laugh out loud)