Does My Friend Have a Gambling Problem?

james01

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May 13, 2007
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Germany
I have a friend who works at a not-so-great job, but good enough that she should be able to make rent and stuff.

I know that she plays some online slots, but I don't know how much.

Anyway, she asked me for a loan of 300 Euro to help her with rent b/c of a cashflow problem. She said she'll make it back soon. I think she meant that she'll win it, but I'm not sure.

I told her I needed to think about it. Do you think she has a gambling prob? And if so, am I "enabling" by bailing her out?

Should I be worried that she'll try to win back the money she owes me?
 
In my humble opinion....

...and based on the few lines you have written, I think it is impossible to say whether or not your friend has a gambling problem!

Another way of looking at it. You have a friend that smokes 50 a day and asks for a loan. Will he use the money to feed his addiction or pay his bills? We don't know but based on the actual evidence you have provided, there is hardly much proof to presume it is anything else other than genuine. You have to go with your gut feeling.

My unwanted advice is simple. If you want to lend her the money, lend it - just don't expect it back. That way, your friendship won't be threatened. If you get it back, it's a bonus (without playthrough of course :thumbsup:). I am not being cynical - just realistic.

One last thing. Your question is slightly loaded and suggests that you know the answer. If she does have a problem, my advice would be not to lend and if you feel comfortable, to confront here with your fears...and more importantly, help her if it's wanted.

Of course, I know nothing :)
 
I say if she needs a friend to help out on the bills ask her for one and pay that bill off.This is what I would do to help her.
Never feed a gambler it will lead into hardship.
I rather see the family eat a good dinner than to gamble it away.
A good friend you may lose if you support this if you give it to her for her to try to hit the rainbow to pay you off.
A Good Friendship Is Priceless.
 
My dad always gave me great advice, to this day he still does. When it comes to loaning money , he said to me....

"If you wanna lend someone $20 or under, thats fine because if you dont get it back, you just dont lend to that person anymore and your only out $20 at the most"

"IF someone wants more than $20 and you cant afford to lose it forever, dont lend it because if it will cost you a friendship andthats worth alot more than any amount you lend"

In other words, most people that ask a friend for more than $20 is going to take awhile to pay it back (in most instances). If you cant afford it or you need that money your lending back in a certain time , its not a good idea.

As far as a gambling problem?You really didnt give us much information, like :

1. Does she borrow money every week?
2. Do you know ALL of her other habits and vices?
3. Is she self consumed with "getting that win"?
Among lots of other things. If you want to remain a friend, like I said, lend it if you can afford to lose it and dont lend it everytime they ask because a pattern will form
 
jimmy, I do believe you have already made up your mind before you even posted over here asking for our opinions. The only thing you're seeking here is that we change your mind and perhaps give you a good enough reason for not doing like what you have in mind.

With that said, if you're afraid that your friend might use it to gamble, then ask her directly what it's for and if it's for gambling or not. If you have a true enough friend he/she will surely tell you the truth no matter what it is.

Only borrow the money to him/her if you can afford to lose that money and still be well with it. But if that money is important to you and that you really do need it and can't afford to be without it, then don't borrow it.
 
I have a friend who works at a not-so-great job, but good enough that she should be able to make rent and stuff.

I know that she plays some online slots, but I don't know how much.
...
You may want to talk to her about it to find out how much. If it's strictly recreational, you might talk to her about joining tournaments (like at Intercasino) where the player only has to pay an entrance fee and can still win a substantial amount. That's a good way to manage funds.

If she's borrowing money because of gambling, then you've answered your own question. If she understands English - point her into this direction:
https://www.casinomeister.com/quit-gambling/
If not, do her a favor and read it for her. Many good resources and tips on how to give up gambling.

IMO: someone who is just making it by should not be gambling online. It's too convenient.
 
IMO: someone who is just making it by should not be gambling online. It's too convenient.

Excellent point! Especially in hard times - desparation can lead to despair, and that can lead to chasing and full tilt disaster.

I did the stupidest thing I've ever done a couple of weeks ago. I somehow convinced myself that the reason I wasn't winning is that I wasn't betting enough:eek: too small of a bankroll, you know. So, not having enough to cover all my obligations anyway I dipped into non-disposable income hoping to win (I know, not the usual lojo rationale)
The good news is I lost it. If I had won I may have convinced myself of even stupider things!
I shared the experience with a friend, and it wasn't what he said, it was how he said it... something like 'don't beat yourself up too bad about it, we've all done it'. (not that i believed he had, mind you)
To make a long story short i redoubled my efforts for income, cut corners on personal wants (coors instead of ingredients for mead... no tailor made ciggies, burger instead of steak, etc.) and crawled out of the hole with a quickness.

What's my point? "Lesson learned" I guess. And even gambling month to month disposable income may not be the best thing to do if I don't have a nest egg. And most importantly, it would only harm your friend to 'shame' her whether she has a gambling problem or not.
 
To answer the same as everyone else in one statement....

"Never a borrower nor a lender be"

It holds true. Im stubborn in that no matter how bad it gets, I bite the bullet & eat pasta & canned tomatos for a few months.

I know what its like to gamble, hence the canned tomato but Ive tried to help friends in the past & even still do it at times but usually regret it. Ive been left in bad situations through others.

By lending money, you are doing the favor but it doesnt always seem that way and often leads to hassle. it doesnt help you and it certainly doesnt help them.

The lies are par for the course, an indication of a gambling habit. By lending money, you are being the crutch. Tough love is required for them to face their problem or they will end up deeper in it, dragging you with them.
 
The good news is I lost it. If I had won I may have convinced myself of even stupider things!

Twisted logic, I love it! Lets step it up a notch, since you are already in the clear admitting that gambling equals loosing - maby it's time to throw in the towel man, :D Take yourself a vacation man and get drunk! Yeeha! Trade your dollars/euroes into something materialistic - something physical!

Back to the thread again. If it's a good friend, and you can afford it, give her the money! If she gets up and running she can pay you back later, but the money is a gift initially! 300 euroes isn't that much money after alol. Also, she may do as she pleases with the money, it's her money in the end (assuming you give them to her). Playing the "I'm so much better than you, listen to me and my great advices from a perfect life" doesn't help much. Kicking people already down, doesn't help much. Maby I say this since I've been down myself, and I just hate it if you ask a favour and you get a freaking morale speech in return. Then I just say forget it, I'll ask someone else!

Sum it up:
Is it a good friend?
Can you afford it?

If both are yes, go for it and get a kick out of helping a friend!


Damn man! That was a reality check, smack to the face! Endeed you are right, you cruel man! Give some love, hehe.
 
Thanks, everyone.
She's a really good friend, so I think I will lend her the money. I'm nervous about bringing up the subject of the online gambling, so I think I'll leave it for now, but if she doesn't pay me back by the end of next month, or if she needs another loan soon, I think I'll have a talk with her about the gambling.

Mostly, I'm worried because up until she started playing online slots, she never needed a loan, and she hasn't changed jobs and her rent hasn't gone up and her one big expense - hanging out at pubs - has gone way down - she's home a lot more, doesn't want to go out.

I don't want to give her a lecture about it, but I don't want to let my friend wreck her life either.
 
Thanks, everyone.
She's a really good friend, so I think I will lend her the money. I'm nervous about bringing up the subject of the online gambling, so I think I'll leave it for now, but if she doesn't pay me back by the end of next month, or if she needs another loan soon, I think I'll have a talk with her about the gambling.

Mostly, I'm worried because up until she started playing online slots, she never needed a loan, and she hasn't changed jobs and her rent hasn't gone up and her one big expense - hanging out at pubs - has gone way down - she's home a lot more, doesn't want to go out.

I don't want to give her a lecture about it, but I don't want to let my friend wreck her life either.

If you really want to help your friend, instead of giving her cash, offer to pay the amount you were going to give her in the form of a check towards her rent, made out to her landlord.

If she wasn't going to use the money for gambling, then she shouldn't have any objections. If she raises a fuss, then you have your answer to whether or not she was going to use it for gambling. Only a true addict will try to either raise their rent money or lose it altogether from gambling. Same goes for food money and other necessities.

Another option would be to take her to the grocery store, let her do her shopping, then pay for her groceries. Or just simply get her a gift card from the store she shops at :)

I guess what it all boils down to is that if her intentions are on the up and up, she'll be appreciative for any help you give her, not just help in the form of cash.
 
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Hi James,

It's a hard call to make, especially given that if your friend really does have a problem she obviously hasn't figured that out herself yet. Ultimately its her that needs to realize there is a problem - not you. (It would save you the 300, but wont help her at all..). So the question becomes whether or not there is anything you can do to help her truly asses the situation, regardless of whether you lend her the money.

One way to try and do that could be to tell her you can lend her the money, but you really don't have 300 to spare and the only way for you to do it is give her your gambling budget. Add that she needs to pay you back soon cause you wont be able to play till she does .. ;)

More seriously tho, whether or not you lend her the money, consider that a true friend would share his emotions about the situation. Explain that you are really worried; up to the point where you went looking for external advice on the situation and tell her why she's got you so worried. If you lend her the money tell her you don't need to know what its for, but that you hope that the friendship you have would allow any type of problem to be discussed. Treat her the way you would want to be treated .. Honesty goes a long way !

Good luck,

Enzo
 
If you really want to help your friend, instead of giving her cash, offer to pay the amount you were going to give her in the form of a check towards her rent, made out to her landlord.

If she wasn't going to use the money for gambling, then she shouldn't have any objections. If she raises a fuss, then you have your answer to whether or not she was going to use it for gambling. Only a true addict will try to either raise their rent money or lose it altogether from gambling. Same goes for food money and other necessities.

Another option would be to take her to the grocery store, let her do her shopping, then pay for her groceries. Or just simply get her a gift card from the store she shops at :)

I guess what it all boils down to is that if her intentions are on the up and up, she'll be appreciative for any help you give her, not just help in the form of cash.

That seems like a good idea, and I'm sure it comes from genuine care and concern... but the addicted mind has it's own master manipulator mode (chesterday I couldn't spell dimplomat, now i are one :))
If you pay my mortgage or rent, I have x$ to get my fix. If you buy my groceries, I have even more. If you take me to the store by the hand, I'll slobber all over it and then hate your guts for treating me like a child while I spend your money on my habit, then I'll feel like shit and want your forgiveness and ask for your help again until you finally treat me like the spineless addict you already know me as... why else would you have not just given me the money, you ^&%*&%& .

A friend should oughta be able to talk to a friend as a friend. Give her the money with no expectations of getting it back. If you are great friends, tell her it is a gift. Once the money part is out of the way have a little chat about gambling if you're in a place that has access to gamcare or another non 12-step model.
If not, don't give her the money, ask if she'd like some help with her finances until she gets back on her feet --- accounting and accountability, no cash before that is done. If she's in to the bookies... well that's another scenario all together.

If your friend is you, please send me a personal message for resources.
 
Sound advice, Enzo (I decided to post before reading yours because I knew we'd say some similar things and i wanted mine to still have some original juice :))
 
If you pay my mortgage or rent, I have x$ to get my fix. If you buy my groceries, I have even more. If you take me to the store by the hand, I'll slobber all over it and then hate your guts for treating me like a child while I spend your money on my habit, then I'll feel like shit and want your forgiveness and ask for your help again until you finally treat me like the spineless addict you already know me as... why else would you have not just given me the money, you ^&%*&%& .

That's so true, but in buying groceries, paying for rent or whatever, at least then you're not being an enabler in a direct sense.

A friend should oughta be able to talk to a friend as a friend. Give her the money with no expectations of getting it back. If you are great friends, tell her it is a gift. Once the money part is out of the way have a little chat about gambling if you're in a place that has access to gamcare or another non 12-step model.
If not, don't give her the money, ask if she'd like some help with her finances until she gets back on her feet --- accounting and accountability, no cash before that is done. If she's in to the bookies... well that's another scenario all together.

I agree. The check/store card should go along with a nice long heart to heart.
 
Wow, you guys are really amazing. I called her today and told her to give me the details to pay her landlord rent, and I invited her out for drinks tonight. She seemed really reluctant to have drinks with me, but finally agreed. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. I feel like I really need to talk to her about it, especially because another friend mentioned that she hasn't been going out almost at all lately. That really worries me, because she used to go out every weekend. I don't know if she's depressed or addicted. In either case, I feel like I need to let her know I'm worried about her. Thank you again for all your help and concern.
 
Wow, you guys are really amazing. I called her today and told her to give me the details to pay her landlord rent, and I invited her out for drinks tonight. She seemed really reluctant to have drinks with me, but finally agreed. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. I feel like I really need to talk to her about it, especially because another friend mentioned that she hasn't been going out almost at all lately. That really worries me, because she used to go out every weekend. I don't know if she's depressed or addicted. In either case, I feel like I need to let her know I'm worried about her. Thank you again for all your help and concern.

Be good.
 

you put that much more succinctly than i was attempting to do (and subsequently gave up on doing). i'll merely append "be responsible" to lojo's advice.
. . . . . .and go get'em tiger!!!. . . . . .
:thumbsup:
 
Okay, so here's what I was able to get from her... There was a lot of crying and a bit too much drinking involved.

Her car was totaled in a crash about 3 months ago, and the insurance wasn't enough to buy anything except a junker (her previous car was pretty dead before the accident), so she's been taking public transit (which sucks). Another friend (who I now need to have a serious talk with) told her how she'd won like 2K Euro at an online casino playing slots (turned out that she'd gotten 2K in bonus money and ended up only being able to cash out 200, btas).

Anyway, back to my first friend - she went online to try to win money to get a new car, and she fell into the classic trap - started chasing her losses, and is now down about 3.5K Euro. Some of it was from the car insurance and some of it is from her savings, but she got desperate and used rent money too.

So, in addition to comforting her for a long time, I told her that I'll help her with the rent this month, and she doesn't have to give it back. I made her sign a contract with me (on a bar napkin, but hey, it's paper) that she won't do any more gambling at all - online, lotto, nothing until she's saved up enough to afford a car.

I hope she won't break our contract. I told her I'll cover her for drinks Fri night next week & pick her up. She needs to get out with friends. I think staying home is making her really depressed.

Anything else I should do/watch for?
 
Thats all you really can do:thumbsup:

Just ensure she sticks to her promise & if she is paying her debt and cannot afford to go out, make a point of dropping in with a bottle of wine & tell her you got an interesting email from Golden casino offering a $2400 sign up bonus (joking)
 
That sounds like a great friend, I think you did great there! I see no reason why shee would want to gamble any more, after all she already lost a fortune in her own eyes! This loss was mainly because she started catching losses, so why would she in her right state of mind start chasing more?

Give her the benefit of the doubt, and believe she will learn from her mistake. Hey take it from me - I have lost over 500K with todays dollar currency! Sure I have bigger access to money to her, but 500K is hellova lot of money for me aswell and it has ruind my life in many ways! So why would she want to go my path? She already tasted the fruits of gambling!

She should be lucky however, for having a friend like you!

Cheers!
 
...

I hope she won't break our contract. I told her I'll cover her for drinks Fri night next week & pick her up. She needs to get out with friends. I think staying home is making her really depressed.

Anything else I should do/watch for?


nope, you're golden. and if you're single, hit it up. she will appreciate what you've done (the caring and the cash) and probably want to start dating you. or just o-n-s when you two are out drinking some evening.

plus she's strapped for cash, makes perfect sense to move her in. put all the rent monies towards the car. also you can keep a good eye on her this way, and maybe let her take a few spins under your account if she gets the itch (and is well-behaved).

but anyhow, i don't mean that entirely seriously, but i could easily see any or all of the above transpiring. :thumbsup:
 
Thanks :) I'm actually in one of those complicated non-relationships that make it impossible to get into a new relationship. (maybe I need to quit *that* addiction - is there a 12-step for "people who break up and get back together with the same person at least ten times a month..." ?)

Plus we've been friends for like fifteen years, and if nothing's happened in all that time, chances are it won't now, although I am "on break" with my SO. (WTF does "on break" mean anyway???)

Anyway, called the friend today, and so far, so good. thanks all for the support!
 
Thanks :) I'm actually in one of those complicated non-relationships that make it impossible to get into a new relationship. (maybe I need to quit *that* addiction - is there a 12-step for "people who break up and get back together with the same person at least ten times a month..." ?)

Plus we've been friends for like fifteen years, and if nothing's happened in all that time, chances are it won't now, although I am "on break" with my SO. (WTF does "on break" mean anyway???)

Anyway, called the friend today, and so far, so good. thanks all for the support!

Lol. You want an honest answer to that? I'll be tougher on you than montel williams or jeremy kyle
 
james, it seems you have done the right thing, gambling and stress/ depression never mix worth a damn.it takes a good friend to come to the aid of another and help even when it goes against our better judgement sometimes. i wish nothing but the best for your friend and to you for being a true blue friend:) ..................laurie
 

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