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Does My Friend Have a Gambling Problem?

Discussion in 'Online Casinos' started by james01, May 2, 2008.

    May 2, 2008
  1. james01

    james01 Dormant account

    Occupation:
    Webmaster
    Location:
    Germany
    I have a friend who works at a not-so-great job, but good enough that she should be able to make rent and stuff.

    I know that she plays some online slots, but I don't know how much.

    Anyway, she asked me for a loan of 300 Euro to help her with rent b/c of a cashflow problem. She said she'll make it back soon. I think she meant that she'll win it, but I'm not sure.

    I told her I needed to think about it. Do you think she has a gambling prob? And if so, am I "enabling" by bailing her out?

    Should I be worried that she'll try to win back the money she owes me?
     
  2. May 2, 2008
  3. julester

    julester Dormant account

    Occupation:
    Director
    Location:
    London
    In my humble opinion....

    ...and based on the few lines you have written, I think it is impossible to say whether or not your friend has a gambling problem!

    Another way of looking at it. You have a friend that smokes 50 a day and asks for a loan. Will he use the money to feed his addiction or pay his bills? We don't know but based on the actual evidence you have provided, there is hardly much proof to presume it is anything else other than genuine. You have to go with your gut feeling.

    My unwanted advice is simple. If you want to lend her the money, lend it - just don't expect it back. That way, your friendship won't be threatened. If you get it back, it's a bonus (without playthrough of course :thumbsup:). I am not being cynical - just realistic.

    One last thing. Your question is slightly loaded and suggests that you know the answer. If she does have a problem, my advice would be not to lend and if you feel comfortable, to confront here with your fears...and more importantly, help her if it's wanted.

    Of course, I know nothing :)
     
  4. May 2, 2008
  5. BingoT

    BingoT Nurses love to give shots webmeister

    Occupation:
    Nursing & Run Bus Trips
    Location:
    Hartford,Ct
    I say if she needs a friend to help out on the bills ask her for one and pay that bill off.This is what I would do to help her.
    Never feed a gambler it will lead into hardship.
    I rather see the family eat a good dinner than to gamble it away.
    A good friend you may lose if you support this if you give it to her for her to try to hit the rainbow to pay you off.
    A Good Friendship Is Priceless.
     
  6. May 2, 2008
  7. babs7262

    babs7262 Banned User

    Occupation:
    On Disability,p/t online slots reviewer
    Location:
    PA
    My dad always gave me great advice, to this day he still does. When it comes to loaning money , he said to me....

    "If you wanna lend someone $20 or under, thats fine because if you dont get it back, you just dont lend to that person anymore and your only out $20 at the most"

    "IF someone wants more than $20 and you cant afford to lose it forever, dont lend it because if it will cost you a friendship andthats worth alot more than any amount you lend"

    In other words, most people that ask a friend for more than $20 is going to take awhile to pay it back (in most instances). If you cant afford it or you need that money your lending back in a certain time , its not a good idea.

    As far as a gambling problem?You really didnt give us much information, like :

    1. Does she borrow money every week?
    2. Do you know ALL of her other habits and vices?
    3. Is she self consumed with "getting that win"?
    Among lots of other things. If you want to remain a friend, like I said, lend it if you can afford to lose it and dont lend it everytime they ask because a pattern will form
     
  8. May 2, 2008
  9. aodat2

    aodat2 Senior Member PABnononaccred PABnoaccred2 PABaccred2

    Occupation:
    I have a job
    Location:
    Malaysia
    jimmy, I do believe you have already made up your mind before you even posted over here asking for our opinions. The only thing you're seeking here is that we change your mind and perhaps give you a good enough reason for not doing like what you have in mind.

    With that said, if you're afraid that your friend might use it to gamble, then ask her directly what it's for and if it's for gambling or not. If you have a true enough friend he/she will surely tell you the truth no matter what it is.

    Only borrow the money to him/her if you can afford to lose that money and still be well with it. But if that money is important to you and that you really do need it and can't afford to be without it, then don't borrow it.
     
  10. May 2, 2008
  11. Casinomeister

    Casinomeister Forum Cheermeister Staff Member

    Occupation:
    Homemaker
    Location:
    Bierland
    You may want to talk to her about it to find out how much. If it's strictly recreational, you might talk to her about joining tournaments (like at Intercasino) where the player only has to pay an entrance fee and can still win a substantial amount. That's a good way to manage funds.

    If she's borrowing money because of gambling, then you've answered your own question. If she understands English - point her into this direction:
    http://www.casinomeister.com/quit_gambling.php
    If not, do her a favor and read it for her. Many good resources and tips on how to give up gambling.

    IMO: someone who is just making it by should not be gambling online. It's too convenient.
     
    3 people like this.
  12. May 3, 2008
  13. lojo

    lojo Banned User - repetitive violations of <a href="ht

    Occupation:
    Tradesman
    Location:
    USA
    Excellent point! Especially in hard times - desparation can lead to despair, and that can lead to chasing and full tilt disaster.

    I did the stupidest thing I've ever done a couple of weeks ago. I somehow convinced myself that the reason I wasn't winning is that I wasn't betting enough:eek: too small of a bankroll, you know. So, not having enough to cover all my obligations anyway I dipped into non-disposable income hoping to win (I know, not the usual lojo rationale)
    The good news is I lost it. If I had won I may have convinced myself of even stupider things!
    I shared the experience with a friend, and it wasn't what he said, it was how he said it... something like 'don't beat yourself up too bad about it, we've all done it'. (not that i believed he had, mind you)
    To make a long story short i redoubled my efforts for income, cut corners on personal wants (coors instead of ingredients for mead... no tailor made ciggies, burger instead of steak, etc.) and crawled out of the hole with a quickness.

    What's my point? "Lesson learned" I guess. And even gambling month to month disposable income may not be the best thing to do if I don't have a nest egg. And most importantly, it would only harm your friend to 'shame' her whether she has a gambling problem or not.
     
  14. May 3, 2008
  15. GaryWatson

    GaryWatson Dormant account

    Occupation:
    Marketing Consultant
    Location:
    Europe
    To answer the same as everyone else in one statement....

    "Never a borrower nor a lender be"

    It holds true. Im stubborn in that no matter how bad it gets, I bite the bullet & eat pasta & canned tomatos for a few months.

    I know what its like to gamble, hence the canned tomato but Ive tried to help friends in the past & even still do it at times but usually regret it. Ive been left in bad situations through others.

    By lending money, you are doing the favor but it doesnt always seem that way and often leads to hassle. it doesnt help you and it certainly doesnt help them.

    The lies are par for the course, an indication of a gambling habit. By lending money, you are being the crutch. Tough love is required for them to face their problem or they will end up deeper in it, dragging you with them.
     
    5 people like this.
  16. May 3, 2008
  17. kimss

    kimss Senior Member

    Occupation:
    Software developer
    Location:
    Norway
    Twisted logic, I love it! Lets step it up a notch, since you are already in the clear admitting that gambling equals loosing - maby it's time to throw in the towel man, :D Take yourself a vacation man and get drunk! Yeeha! Trade your dollars/euroes into something materialistic - something physical!

    Back to the thread again. If it's a good friend, and you can afford it, give her the money! If she gets up and running she can pay you back later, but the money is a gift initially! 300 euroes isn't that much money after alol. Also, she may do as she pleases with the money, it's her money in the end (assuming you give them to her). Playing the "I'm so much better than you, listen to me and my great advices from a perfect life" doesn't help much. Kicking people already down, doesn't help much. Maby I say this since I've been down myself, and I just hate it if you ask a favour and you get a freaking morale speech in return. Then I just say forget it, I'll ask someone else!

    Sum it up:
    Is it a good friend?
    Can you afford it?

    If both are yes, go for it and get a kick out of helping a friend!

    Damn man! That was a reality check, smack to the face! Endeed you are right, you cruel man! Give some love, hehe.
     
    1 person likes this.
  18. May 3, 2008
  19. james01

    james01 Dormant account

    Occupation:
    Webmaster
    Location:
    Germany
    Thanks, everyone.
    She's a really good friend, so I think I will lend her the money. I'm nervous about bringing up the subject of the online gambling, so I think I'll leave it for now, but if she doesn't pay me back by the end of next month, or if she needs another loan soon, I think I'll have a talk with her about the gambling.

    Mostly, I'm worried because up until she started playing online slots, she never needed a loan, and she hasn't changed jobs and her rent hasn't gone up and her one big expense - hanging out at pubs - has gone way down - she's home a lot more, doesn't want to go out.

    I don't want to give her a lecture about it, but I don't want to let my friend wreck her life either.
     
  20. May 4, 2008
  21. winbig

    winbig Keep winning this amount.

    Occupation:
    Bum
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    If you really want to help your friend, instead of giving her cash, offer to pay the amount you were going to give her in the form of a check towards her rent, made out to her landlord.

    If she wasn't going to use the money for gambling, then she shouldn't have any objections. If she raises a fuss, then you have your answer to whether or not she was going to use it for gambling. Only a true addict will try to either raise their rent money or lose it altogether from gambling. Same goes for food money and other necessities.

    Another option would be to take her to the grocery store, let her do her shopping, then pay for her groceries. Or just simply get her a gift card from the store she shops at :)

    I guess what it all boils down to is that if her intentions are on the up and up, she'll be appreciative for any help you give her, not just help in the form of cash.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2008
    1 person likes this.
  22. May 4, 2008
  23. 3Dice

    3Dice I-Gaming Industry Representative

    Occupation:
    -
    Location:
    -
    Hi James,

    It's a hard call to make, especially given that if your friend really does have a problem she obviously hasn't figured that out herself yet. Ultimately its her that needs to realize there is a problem - not you. (It would save you the 300, but wont help her at all..). So the question becomes whether or not there is anything you can do to help her truly asses the situation, regardless of whether you lend her the money.

    One way to try and do that could be to tell her you can lend her the money, but you really don't have 300 to spare and the only way for you to do it is give her your gambling budget. Add that she needs to pay you back soon cause you wont be able to play till she does .. ;)

    More seriously tho, whether or not you lend her the money, consider that a true friend would share his emotions about the situation. Explain that you are really worried; up to the point where you went looking for external advice on the situation and tell her why she's got you so worried. If you lend her the money tell her you don't need to know what its for, but that you hope that the friendship you have would allow any type of problem to be discussed. Treat her the way you would want to be treated .. Honesty goes a long way !

    Good luck,

    Enzo
     
    2 people like this.
  24. May 4, 2008
  25. lojo

    lojo Banned User - repetitive violations of <a href="ht

    Occupation:
    Tradesman
    Location:
    USA
    That seems like a good idea, and I'm sure it comes from genuine care and concern... but the addicted mind has it's own master manipulator mode (chesterday I couldn't spell dimplomat, now i are one :))
    If you pay my mortgage or rent, I have x$ to get my fix. If you buy my groceries, I have even more. If you take me to the store by the hand, I'll slobber all over it and then hate your guts for treating me like a child while I spend your money on my habit, then I'll feel like shit and want your forgiveness and ask for your help again until you finally treat me like the spineless addict you already know me as... why else would you have not just given me the money, you ^&%*&%& .

    A friend should oughta be able to talk to a friend as a friend. Give her the money with no expectations of getting it back. If you are great friends, tell her it is a gift. Once the money part is out of the way have a little chat about gambling if you're in a place that has access to gamcare or another non 12-step model.
    If not, don't give her the money, ask if she'd like some help with her finances until she gets back on her feet --- accounting and accountability, no cash before that is done. If she's in to the bookies... well that's another scenario all together.

    If your friend is you, please send me a personal message for resources.
     
    2 people like this.
  26. May 4, 2008
  27. lojo

    lojo Banned User - repetitive violations of <a href="ht

    Occupation:
    Tradesman
    Location:
    USA
    Sound advice, Enzo (I decided to post before reading yours because I knew we'd say some similar things and i wanted mine to still have some original juice :))
     
  28. May 4, 2008
  29. winbig

    winbig Keep winning this amount.

    Occupation:
    Bum
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    That's so true, but in buying groceries, paying for rent or whatever, at least then you're not being an enabler in a direct sense.

    I agree. The check/store card should go along with a nice long heart to heart.
     
    1 person likes this.
  30. May 4, 2008
  31. james01

    james01 Dormant account

    Occupation:
    Webmaster
    Location:
    Germany
    Wow, you guys are really amazing. I called her today and told her to give me the details to pay her landlord rent, and I invited her out for drinks tonight. She seemed really reluctant to have drinks with me, but finally agreed. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. I feel like I really need to talk to her about it, especially because another friend mentioned that she hasn't been going out almost at all lately. That really worries me, because she used to go out every weekend. I don't know if she's depressed or addicted. In either case, I feel like I need to let her know I'm worried about her. Thank you again for all your help and concern.
     
  32. May 4, 2008
  33. lojo

    lojo Banned User - repetitive violations of <a href="ht

    Occupation:
    Tradesman
    Location:
    USA
    Be good.
     
    2 people like this.
  34. May 4, 2008
  35. happygobrokey

    happygobrokey Dormant account

    Occupation:
    student of life
    Location:
    canada
    you put that much more succinctly than i was attempting to do (and subsequently gave up on doing). i'll merely append "be responsible" to lojo's advice.
    . . . . . .and go get'em tiger!!!. . . . . .
    :thumbsup:
     
    1 person likes this.
  36. May 5, 2008
  37. james01

    james01 Dormant account

    Occupation:
    Webmaster
    Location:
    Germany
    Okay, so here's what I was able to get from her... There was a lot of crying and a bit too much drinking involved.

    Her car was totaled in a crash about 3 months ago, and the insurance wasn't enough to buy anything except a junker (her previous car was pretty dead before the accident), so she's been taking public transit (which sucks). Another friend (who I now need to have a serious talk with) told her how she'd won like 2K Euro at an online casino playing slots (turned out that she'd gotten 2K in bonus money and ended up only being able to cash out 200, btas).

    Anyway, back to my first friend - she went online to try to win money to get a new car, and she fell into the classic trap - started chasing her losses, and is now down about 3.5K Euro. Some of it was from the car insurance and some of it is from her savings, but she got desperate and used rent money too.

    So, in addition to comforting her for a long time, I told her that I'll help her with the rent this month, and she doesn't have to give it back. I made her sign a contract with me (on a bar napkin, but hey, it's paper) that she won't do any more gambling at all - online, lotto, nothing until she's saved up enough to afford a car.

    I hope she won't break our contract. I told her I'll cover her for drinks Fri night next week & pick her up. She needs to get out with friends. I think staying home is making her really depressed.

    Anything else I should do/watch for?
     
    1 person likes this.
  38. May 5, 2008
  39. GaryWatson

    GaryWatson Dormant account

    Occupation:
    Marketing Consultant
    Location:
    Europe
    Thats all you really can do:thumbsup:

    Just ensure she sticks to her promise & if she is paying her debt and cannot afford to go out, make a point of dropping in with a bottle of wine & tell her you got an interesting email from Golden casino offering a $2400 sign up bonus (joking)
     

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