My life

[lotusch]

Wow that is some story mate.
Most things have been already said but I am sure the relationship with your kids should now be your point of focus.
Every time you feel down or depressed think about them.
Taking your own life will be a trauma they need to carry the rest of their lives, think about that.
Being suicidal is not cool and I really hope you can get the help you need.

A relationship can always go wrong, had a few in my life!

Sure it is some story but how dark your life might seem, there are always little rays of light coming through.
In this case surely one of those rays of light are your kids.

I don't know your (ex) but I think you should be sorting out how things will go with your mutual kids.

I wish you all the best m8 and if you ever stuck for a chat you can always PM me.
Had my own shares of events in life, but I always stayed positive, no matter how bad the situation was.

Mark.

 

[SteveBr]

I’m really touched by your responses, I knew I could rely on this community.

I was loathe to say/write anything about it but at the same time I felt I needed to. I needed to see it written down to help me process it.

It is incredibly difficult and I’m not normally someone who would get down by anything, but all of this came as a complete shock. While I was running the family and the home, she went out and got a new life. I think with her being so much younger than me, everything maybe became a bit too much for her. Well, it’s done now and as everyone has said, the most important thing now is the children and that this doesn’t impact on them too badly. It will have an affect, but the best thing I can do is at least try to minimise it.

Thank you again for your comments, you are all brilliant.

 

[SteveBr]

You need to find yourself having been in a relationship since a young age, you will be surprised once you get passed the grief of the break-up how much of life you missed out on and now need time to do for yourself, that which you once did for your family.

Stay strong and I am sure someone will always be around on here to lend a listening ear for a non bias response.

Take care x

Thank you Greylady I appreciate it. It seems I’m still looking after the kids more or less the same as I was before, give or take a day. It I will try and make some time for me.

Thanks again

 

[SteveBr]

It's sad enough if one of the partners suddenly decides to break up a long (and what I understand happy) relationship.

That’s the thing, it was a happy relationship. Obviously that wasn’t enough, because all it took was someone else showing her some attention for her to decide different.

Thanks for your post

 

[greylady]

Thank you Greylady I appreciate it. It seems I’m still looking after the kids more or less the same as I was before, give or take a day. It I will try and make some time for me.

Thanks again

This is what stands out to me. Try and keep the kids routines as close to normal as possible, this means less fallout for them and easier to process - you are still a dad first and foremost but in amongst all that give yourself time for reflection and self healing ...it takes time but I don't doubt you will get there.

....at 53, you have half your life ahead of you, what's not to like about that?

 

[SteveBr]

You need to realise you will get through this, although obviously it will take time
I would suggest ringing the Samaritans anytime you are feeling low, possibly self refer for some CBT too.
Everyone deals with things in different ways, but I probably wouldn't have told the kids anything, the 2 eldest are old enough to work out themselves what happened, and if not yet they would at some point, it's a natural reaction to try to get your point over, but it can cause resentment so I would avoid that if at all possible mate

Thanks Colin. I was surprised how much talking to the Samaritans helped, he didn’t actually say too much but it did help me.

I wouldn’t have said anything to the children, but they already knew about it and at the time it was affecting our relationship. It’s despicable what she did really, that more so than the actual breakup.

Splitting up with someone can be worse than a death in some ways, when someone dies it's final, you say goodbye, knowing there is no tomorrow with them, but a break up, especially when you are in love, people will always think, oh maybe we can sort things out, she's still there, might get back together etc, theres no end as it's always possible it isn't over.

Do whats best for you, I'm not sure you having the kids all the time while she is at his is going to help long term, maybe you should look for your own place and have them over as and when you can, it sounds like she sees you as some kind of unpaid babysitter, you do all the 'normal' stuff, while she's out having fun.

It felt exactly like someone had died, yet they were still there...

I don’t mind looking after the kids, but I do also feel I’m being taken for a mug at the same time. Once I’ve got myself sorted with a house and everything else I will have them as much as I can.

I did actually say to her she could leave and I will stay at the house with the kids and everything else. She wouldn’t have it, because her mum did exactly that. Twice, and each time left the kids with their dad. She ended up being raised by her grandparents.

The thing is, she is exactly like her mum but won’t admit it. These last couple of weeks I’ve spent more time with them than she has.

FWIW he would be in a ditch somewhere with his kneecaps done if I was in your position, he knew full well she was married with kids, bang out of order, you have more self restraint than me, which is probably a good thing cos I would probably be in jail if it were me .

His time is coming. Apparently he is quite worried about what I will do. He’s right to be. I won’t seriously hurt him, but I will make sure he remembers me even when he is no longer with her.

Hope it all works out for you mate, but seriously, either self refer for some CBT or make a doctors appointment (who will probably tell you to self refer too) and he might give you some mild anti-depressants (sertraline or similar), as from what you have posted you are quite possibly depressed, even if you don't realise it

Thanks mate, I really appreciate everything you’ve said. I will seek help if those dark thoughts come back again.

 

[SteveBr]

Wow that is some story mate.
Most things have been already said but I am sure the relationship with your kids should now be your point of focus.
Every time you feel down or depressed think about them.
Taking your own life will be a trauma they need to carry the rest of their lives, think about that.
Being suicidal is not cool and I really hope you can get the help you need.

That’s right, I am thinking of them all the time and while it doesn’t make it go away, it does make me stop thinking like that.

A relationship can always go wrong, had a few in my life!

Sure it is some story but how dark your life might seem, there are always little rays of light coming through.
In this case surely one of those rays of light are your kids.

I don't know your (ex) but I think you should be sorting out how things will go with your mutual kids.

You’re right, at the moment it’s me looking after them as and when I’m needed. It just so happens I seem to be needed all the time.

I’ll get it sorted though.

I wish you all the best m8 and if you ever stuck for a chat you can always PM me.
Had my own shares of events in life, but I always stayed positive, no matter how bad the situation was.

Mark.

Much appreciated Mark, thanks so much.

 

[greylady]

Thanks Colin. I was surprised how much talking to the Samaritans helped, he didn’t actually say too much but it did help me.

I wouldn’t have said anything to the children, but they already knew about it and at the time it was affecting our relationship. It’s despicable what she did really, that more so than the actual breakup.



It felt exactly like someone had died, yet they were still there...

I don’t mind looking after the kids, but I do also feel I’m being taken for a mug at the same time. Once I’ve got myself sorted with a house and everything else I will have them as much as I can.

I did actually say to her she could leave and I will stay at the house with the kids and everything else. She wouldn’t have it, because her mum did exactly that. Twice, and each time left the kids with their dad. She ended up being raised by her grandparents.

The thing is, she is exactly like her mum but won’t admit it. These last couple of weeks I’ve spent more time with them than she has.



His time is coming. Apparently he is quite worried about what I will do. He’s right to be. I won’t seriously hurt him, but I will make sure he remembers me even when he is no longer with her.



Thanks mate, I really appreciate everything you’ve said. I will seek help if those dark thoughts come back again.

This is reflective of a bitter man Steve and you have to remember it takes 'two to tango'. Remember 'dignity and decorum'!

 

[dionysus]

This is reflective of a bitter man Steve and you have to remember it takes 'two to tango'. Remember 'dignity and decorum'!

I'll give that one to GL - move forward, not looking back
life is far too short to harbour hate - let karma sort it out; bad things will come to bad people without you needing to worry about the headaches

 

[colinsunderland]

Thanks Colin. I was surprised how much talking to the Samaritans helped, he didn’t actually say too much but it did help me.

Good CBT isn't far off that although its a bit more intense and they will suggest things to do and try.

I wouldn’t have said anything to the children, but they already knew about it and at the time it was affecting our relationship. It’s despicable what she did really, that more so than the actual breakup.

You know your kids mate, what you decide to do is fine, as I know you have their interests at heart. It wasn't a criticism

It felt exactly like someone had died, yet they were still there...

Yes, exactly, you are grieving no different to if someone had died, but in a break up there is still hope, you know when someone dies, thats it, it's over for good, you can't ever talk to them again, and while it can take a long time to get over, you do know it's final, and that helps from a mental perspective. You don't have that when you break up with someone, and it can make it a lot harder.

I don’t mind looking after the kids, but I do also feel I’m being taken for a mug at the same time. Once I’ve got myself sorted with a house and everything else I will have them as much as I can.

Not a great situation, she is taking you for a mug, but what can you do, if you say no, then you know she will be an arse and try to stop you seeing them, so its a bit of a catch 22 at the moment until you get your own place. Once you do, you also get away from all the memories and everything the house holds, again, probably not something you want, but is something you need, to get all the reminders/triggers of things out your head.

His time is coming. Apparently he is quite worried about what I will do. He’s right to be. I won’t seriously hurt him, but I will make sure he remembers me even when he is no longer with her.

Don't do anything mate, the anger stage is over (and from a legal perspective it is too). If you do anything to him, I can guarantee she will stop all contact and then you end up in a long legal battle that you might not win. If he's worried about what you will do, good, let him keep worrying, having that on his mind for months/years will be worse than a kicking now.

Thanks mate, I really appreciate everything you’ve said. I will seek help if those dark thoughts come back again.

Without wanting to sound like a broken record, your post comes across as you are still having dark moments. CBT isn't fast, try to get into the system now and in a couple/few months when you get an appointment, you can cancel if you are better and don't need it. If you aren't then you can go and see them. You can find the service in your area here

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[Glassheart]

Sometimes you have to be the bigger man and get the thoughts your having of the new guy out of your head. I know thats easier said than done but going to war with him will only will only hurt one person and thats yourself. It will just keep this going on for too long while your kids are in the middle and fracture your relationship with them and thats obviously not what you want.

I work in Hull alot so if your ever feeling really down about it all or having those thoughts you mentioned drop me a PM and if im around your area that day i will take you for a coffee and give you some support.

 

[dionysus]

I'm not regional - but almost any area has great reach-out numbers.
While the forum is good as a sounding board, it may well help to call a line where someone can help 'talk you down' - mourn, grieve, vent, absolutely
destructive, counter-productive thoughts? not so much

 

[Jono777]

Don't do anything mate, the anger stage is over (and from a legal perspective it is too). If you do anything to him, I can guarantee she will stop all contact and then you end up in a long legal battle that you might not win. If he's worried about what you will do, good, let him keep worrying, having that on his mind for months/years will be worse than a kicking now.

Excellent advice and exactly the sort of thing I would do.

 

[SteveBr]

This is reflective of a bitter man Steve and you have to remember it takes 'two to tango'. Remember 'dignity and decorum'!

True!

There is however one other thing I haven’t mentioned yet.

The day I found out, the day I had my son, I told my wife I wanted to speak to him. I didn’t want anyone around my kids who I didn’t know. He was already complicit in keeping it from me with their help and I quite simply don’t trust him.

Anyway, that night she gave me his number. I tried texting it but it didn’t work. I rang back and said so, she very nervously said he’s here now do you want to speak to him so I said put him on. He came on, said alright and recited his number. I said I just tried that and it didnt work. He replied by saying, don’t give a shit mate it’s my number and anyway it isn’t even turned on. I won’t repeat what I said.

My son was in bed asleep and I very seriously contemplated waking him up and driving round there right then. It’s a good job I didn’t.

Since then they have both agreed he doesn’t go to the house, at least not yet anyway.

 

[geordiecolin]

I split from my daughters mum while they where 9 and 12 after having spent years being her verbal punchbag. Over the years I had left home countless times after she told me to get out only for her to find me and beg for my forgiveness. The last time I left I stayed left and her reaction to me not going back was shock and fury. She used every tool in the book to make me suffer (She told me she would too) which included using the kids. I quickly realised that I would best not involve my girls in anything that would/could impact them in a negative way which included not contesting the terms of and the reason for the divorce as well as always being there for them and not judging them harshly.
12 years on and my relationship with my girls is as strong as ever and their relationship with their mum is strained because over the years they learned for themselves how impossible their mum is.
So my friend my only advice to you is to continue to be a caring loving father and they will prove over the years to be a constant in your life and you can wake up each morning and look yourself in the mirror without feeling guilty about anything.
And 53 is not too old to find someone new who will keep you happy for the rest of your life.

 

[Adriana B]

Wow. This brought tears to my eyes. I feel for you Steve. Wonderful advice from all the members here. All I can say is stay strong and hold your head up high. Life does go on and surprisingly sometimes it gets better. Good luck and I hope some lucky lady will realize how special you are. Wish my husband cooked and cleaned....lol

 

[irish-ranger]

Steve start looking forward mate you said you were in the MOB?? why don't you touch base with some of the guys from your service days??as most of them will have been thru what your going thru now.
Yes the people on here are being great but you need face to face time when the dark thoughts come try and think of your Kids and how they would feel if you committed the most selfish act.
We have all been where you are now chin up.

 

[Chipkin9]

go nuts - we've seen discussions of ear wax - with pics

And a beautiful bit of earwax it was too

Steve. Well as someone who hasn't ever been in a relationship I can only imagine myself in your situation and how I would feel. So probably some shitty advice from me.

Firstly I am so glad you didn't go through with your initial plan after the second call with your Daughter. All that would have done was traumatized your kids and maybe change thier path in life down a road of misery and self medication through alcohol and drugs.

We don't consider these thoughts when we are in pain and our minds are racing, and we often don't consider how our actions influence others', much like your wife didn't consider her actions. The proper thing to do would have been to break up with you if she felt the relationship was dead, but no; she found it completely appropriate to go behind your back and (To put it bluntly) jump on another mans bell end...yea that makes her a bitch of a person, so you have a moral highground over her.

I'm actually angry for you right now writing this. But your self control and realizing you did nothing wrong should be enough to give you the strength to keep your head straight and pull through this.

The best you can do is firstly accept what's happened, and dare I even say hold on to some of that bitterness (I would). While she may think grass is greener on the otherside now, she will eventually get bored of her new beau and whatever satisfaction she was seeking, then she will either look for another partner, our try her best to manipulate you into taking her back as she gets eaten by her own guilt. Yea, don't bother steve....if she has sought passion from elsewhere now, she'll do it again, if she hasn't even done it before.

Be the person and father you've always been to your kids and continue with the holidays. All children love thier parents unconditionally no matter what gets said in the heat of the moment, I'm sure you'll get some more mouthfuls from them

Any future interaction with your wife, do your best to be amicable while being adamant to yourslef (and her) it's over and there's no going back. As far as I know you're a great guy and should have no problem meeting someone better, someone who knows how to be faithful and can communicate any issues before going for an affair.

I can tell you this...being alone isn't as bad as you think. 32 years I've been alone and it's stress free, I can relax, do what I want and there's no conflict.

And well done for sharing here.

"Strangers" are more often than not the best people to share problems with as you get a more unbiased and balanced perspective, free of judgement from people who may know you, and as they say a problem shared is a problem halved.

All the best Steve

 

[geordiecolin]

And a beautiful bit of earwax it was too

I collect my earwax over a number of months where I then use it to wax my car. It leaves a fantastic sheen

 

[Chipkin9]

I collect my earwax over a number of months where I then use it to wax my car. It leaves a fantastic sheen

And it's cheaper

 

[Adriana B]

And a beautiful bit of earwax it was too

Steve. Well as someone who hasn't ever been in a relationship I can only imagine myself in your situation and how I would feel. So probably some shitty advice from me.

Firstly I am so glad you didn't go through with your initail plan after the second call with your Daughter. All that would have done was traumatized your kids and maybe change thier path in life down a road of misery and self medication through alcohol and drugs.

We don't consider these thoughts when we are in pain and our minds are racing, and we often don't consider how our actions influence others', much like your wife didn't consider her actions. The proper thing to do would have been to break up with you if she felt the relationship was dead, but no; she found it completely appropriate to go behind your back and (To put it bluntly) jump on another mans bell end...yea that makes her a bitch of a person, so you have a moral highground over her.

I'm actually angry for you right now writing this. But your self control and realizing you did nothing wrong should be enough to give you the strength to keep your head straight and pull through this.

The best you can do is firstly accept what's happened, and dare I even say hold on to some of that bitterness (I would). While she may think grass is greener on the otherside now, she will eventually get bored of her new beau and whatever satisfaction she was seeking, then she will either look for another partner, our try her best to manipulate you into taking her back as she gets eaten by her own guilt. Yea, don't bother steve....if she has sought passion from elsewhere now, she'll do it again, if she hasn't even done it before.

Be the person and father you've always been to your kids and continue with the holidays. All children love thier parents unconditionally no matter what gets said in the heat of the moment, I'm sure you'll get some more mouthfuls from them

Any future interaction with your wife, do your best to be amicable while being adamant to yourslef (and her) it's over and there's no going back. As far as I know you're a great guy and should have no problem meeting someone better, someone who knows how to be faithful and can communicate any issues before going for an affair.

I can tell you this...being alone isn't as bad as you think. 32 years I've been alone and it's stress free, I can relax, do what I want and there's no conflict.

And well done for sharing here.

"Strangers" are more often than not the best people to share problems with as you get a more unbiased and balanced perspective, free of judgement from people who may know you, and as they say a problem shared is a problem halved.

All the best Steve

Wonderfully said !!!!

 

[SteveBr]

I’m overwhelmed by the responses I’ve received today. You guys have no idea how much you have helped me through your advice and words of encouragement.

I will reply more later, but for now I just wanted to thank you all so much x

 

[smart_croatia]

Steve, set your no1. goal-future of your kids, and you leading them trough life, enjoy the path with them, help them,learn them all thing you know, share with them success, good and bad times, be their shoulder for cry, best friend you get my point. On that path also find yourself, do new things that will make you happy, simply enjoy life and one day you will say " Thank you life for opening my eyes that day", and one day you will smile with few of yours grandchildren's. Stay strong and fight life like a lion!!!

 

[mack341]

Steve, it sounds like this bellend has manipulated your wife into a relationship, he's flattered her or something, a lot of toxic influence comes from social media, people comparing their own lives with an illusionary image of somebody else's, feeling they're not happy and other's are, and they're especially vulnerable to this type of bloke. If they're both at the same workplace, spending all day in each other's vicinity, that's also likely to cause problems in due course.

He'll try and talk big on the phone to you while your wife is in earshot, but you know he's pondlife and a waste of space, and he'll get his comeuppance one day. I appreciate you'd like for him to meet it sooner, but it's not worth getting a criminal record [at the very least] and endangering your livelihood.

I think the right thing to do is what you've been doing, carrying on being that rock for your children.

The older two might say the odd insensitive thing as they're no doubt also in shock, and upset and angry themselves, but it will settle down and then the truth will slowly dawn upon them...and who's going to help them with their homework, [and first driving lessons ] the bellend flippin burgers or their dad who's a tech wizard and served in the army?

You don't look old or past it, you have a warm and friendly face , so say you meet someone in a year's time, and you make each other smile you'll be in a much better position. It's clear from your posts on this thread, in a very difficult time where everyone in the same situation would feel a big blow to their confidence, that you're a very good, brave and proud man who will get back on his feet.

And five young children who need you more than ever, in reality you've got so much to live for, and they'll always remember you being dignified in this difficult time and doing the right thing by them

 

[SteveBr]

Once again I’d like to thank everyone for your replies and messages. I was a bit too overwhelmed to reply to each post individually, but every single one of you has really helped me. This is an amazing community and I will be forever grateful that I was able to share something so personal and painful for me. Without it I would have wallowed in it and not got anywhere so thank you again.

Where I’m at now...

I’m back at home temporarily, but we’re not together in that sense.

A couple of weeks ago, as a result of a lot of hassle she was getting from her family and the two older girls, she took an overdose. I had tried messaging her and her replies were being really strange. I called my elder daughter and told her to check that she was ok. She wouldn’t at first, it was quite late at night and she said she’d be fine. When she did go and look, she saw she was in the kitchen taking pills from a bowl. I raced around, and could see she needed to go to hospital. Luckily, what she had taken wasn’t too serious but she stayed in overnight and was ill for a couple of days.

Because she had taken the pills while our five children were in the house, we both agreed that I would come back temporarily and help with the children and their attitude toward everything that has happened. She had lied about absolutely everything and it had come back to bite her on her arse big time. She has now told me everything about it, it’s still shit but at least the lies have now stopped.

Social services also became involved and have said she is not to be in sole charge of the children until she has been properly assessed. I will only be able to leave again once they say she poses no risk. Good job it was something we both agreed to beforehand.

Some people have asked if I’m sure she didn’t do it for attention. I don’t think she did, but I obviously don’t know for sure.

She is still with her new boyfriend, I’ve said after a couple of months he can start coming round to the house while the kids are here so they can get used to it. Assuming of course it looks like their relationship is here to stay. I will have a talk with him beforehand though. Apparently he is willing to do whatever we say is best for the kids.

My wife wants me and her to have a really good relationship. She said it’s not just for the kids benefit but for hers too. She wants me to get a house close, preferably on the same street and she also said on the kids birthdays, Christmas etc she wants me to stay over

I said I’m not sure lover boy would like that if he’s living here and she said he doesn’t have a choice in the matter they are your kids.

I don’t know what to think of that really.

At the moment things are fine, somethings even more than fine...

I know we don’t have a future together and it is really strange. It’s like we are still together, how it was before when things were good, but we aren’t. She’s been to his and stayed overnight a few times and I kind of don’t mind that. I don’t think I’ve fully got my head around it and I’m not sure how healthy this is in the long run. I know someone on here said about her getting the best of both worlds and it does seem that way sometimes.

My younger daughter is really hoping we get back together and I’ve spoken to her a lot about it. She says it’s obvious mum still loves you but all she thinks about is that stupid boy at the moment (he’s 28). I’ve explained that we aren’t and that we’re trying to make the transition easier for them and to be there for them, that it doesn’t have to be acrimonious and unpleasant. She’s convinced she’s right though.

My wife clearly has some issues and hopefully it is something she will get help for. That’s another thing she has asked me to help her with. Mental health services are quite stretched in this area and she wasn’t even visited by the mental health team in hospital which I thought was surprising. I thought they must have done for social services to become involved.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at now. My dark thoughts have all but disappeared but I do feel very sad sometimes. I know that’s to be expected and I know I will be fine. As you have all said, I need to be there for my kids and I most definitely will be.

Thank you all x