My life

[SteveBr]

I was just wondering if this would be the place to put something that has happened to me recently?

It is very long and personal but it is something that I need to share. The only thing missing from it is chapter numbers...

 

[goatwack]

Go for it.....anything flies in The Attic

 

[dionysus]

go nuts - we've seen discussions of ear wax - with pics

 

[dunover]

I was just wondering if this would be the place to put something that has happened to me recently?

It is very long and personal but it is something that I need to share. The only thing missing from it is chapter numbers...

Yep. The Attic is for that kind of post.

 

[SteveBr]

Part 1

This may seem a bit strange and maybe a bit too open, but I feel like I need to put something somewhere so here goes.

I’ve been reasonably active in here, but usually only about slots and slotting. I don’t recall ever putting anything personal. Certainly not anything as personal as this anyway.

I’ve been with my wife for nearly 15 years and we have five children together (2, 3, 8, 12 and 13). Prior to this I had been with my first wife for 20 years. We had 3 children, now all grown up with kids of their own. I left her to be with my second wife.

Since around the middle of January our relationship wasn’t brilliant. A lot of bickering and I noticed a change in how she was behaving toward me. Then come Valentines week, she engineered a situation which ultimately led to her saying she didn’t love me anymore, hadn’t for a while and that I needed to leave.

I was devastated and totally shocked at how quickly my life was turned upside down. None of it made any sense, but for a couple of weeks before this I had been thinking she had maybe met someone else and probably at work. When this happened I was sure of it.

She only started her new job in October last year, her first job in a few years. Prior to this I was always the breadwinner and made sure all the bills were paid and everyone was happy and had what they wanted and needed etc. I should also mention that there is a significant age gap between us, she is 20 years younger than me.

I agreed to look after the children and the house while she was at work, in addition to working from home (I have my own business building websites, internet marketing etc.).

What transpired was that I ended up doing everything. Cleaning the house, getting the younger kids to bed, up in a morning, taking them to school and nursery and everything else that needs doing in a busy home. I also tried to fit in my normal work routine around this but it was extremely difficult. She was on her feet 8 hours a day 4 times a week but she was happy so I was happy doing that. It did take its toll on me. I didn’t have a single break from the middle of October to that week in February. I tell a lie, I once slept in until 10am one Sunday morning.

Anyway, things got even worse. She told family and friends that the reason it happened, apart from her not loving me anymore was because I was grumpy, always shouting at the kids, always gambling and that I’d even hit her a couple of times in the past. Where the gambling is concerned she even said that in January I had gambled the rent away and she had to pay it out of her own wages.

I only found this out because a close family member on her side told me, mainly because she didn’t believe it herself.

Regarding the gambling, yes I really enjoy slotting - but so did she. The only difference being that I am in profit at the few casinos I play at (to the tune of several thousand pounds) and she always loses. I even showed the family member my casino accounts and showed her that I haven’t lost anything at all. If I did start to lose regularly I’d stop because it would no longer be fun.

In addition to this I’ve been doing quite well with my work - when I’ve had the opportunity to do it for any length of time without any distractions.

She also made a big thing out of of how she wanted to do everything herself and make people see she could do it. Obviously the biggest issue was with the children, the two youngest especially are a proper handful and the nighttime routine alone always takes at least an hour to get them settled and asleep in bed.

God this is so long already :/

Anyway, with the help of a keylogger (she had changed all of her passwords obviously) I managed to login to one of her accounts and immediately saw that my suspicions of her having met someone were correct. She said it happened after we had split up, but 1) how soon?! And 2) turns out it started in the middle of January anyway so was another lie.

I know using a keylogger was questionable (she even reported it to the police but they had a word with me and basically said don’t do it again) but I knew she was lying and needed to see the proof for myself. Even then she tried denying it. I had to show her the screenshots I had taken before she would finally admit it.

Prior to this, I had agreed that I would look after the children while she was at work. After a couple of weeks I noticed that the two older children (both girls) were being a bit off with me. I put it down to the situation but it turns out there was a bit more to it.

I’ve been staying at my sisters house so can’t really have any of the children with me yet. They went away for the weekend so my 8 year old son stayed with me. He, along with the two younger children are clearly struggling with what’s happened so it was a good opportunity to spend some time together just me and him.

At this point I already knew about her new boyfriend, but as far as I knew, no one else actually knew about him. She hasn’t told anyone.

Anyway, I kind of accepted by this point that it had happened and I would have to be sensible about it.

I asked my son how he would feel if mum got a new friend, a boyfriend. He looked at me and said you mean like [redacted]?

I was stunned. He already knew about him. He’d been coming to the house since pancake day (he made them all pancakes) and had even stayed the night when the girls were sleeping at friends. She’d told him he was just a friend. Imagine how my son felt when late one night he went to his mum's bedroom and found them in bed together. And she wonders why he was becoming so withdrawn and hardly ever leaving his room anymore.

 

[SteveBr]

Part 2

I was beside myself, this was bothering me even more than the actual breakup. My thoughts on [redacted] are unprintable for obvious reasons, but here is some context.

The first week she started at her new job, she invited me in after her shift to meet her new boss. She was really nice. He was also there and I was immediately struck by how he wouldn’t look me in the eye. I said afterwards he’s a bit dodgy isn’t he, she said oh that’s just [redacted] he works in the kitchen.

So, I used to take her to work and pick her up most times. Sometimes I’d go in and have a drink and a chat with her and the other staff. We even went several times as a family for breakfast and also tea and also had a birthday party there for one of my daughters.

The reason I say all of that is because he knew she was married and we have 5 children together. She says she went after him but it makes no difference who did what, he knew she was married with 5 kids, he should have said no. Anything else makes him to be a not very nice person in my book. Some other things have also proven this but another time.

In addition to them knowing, she had told the older girls not to tell me anything because he’s just a friend and dad would get mad. Before finding out, every time I would ask the girls anything about what had happened, they would shout just stop asking questions! and go to their room. Then I’d get a text off their mum to say I was upsetting the girls with all of my questions and to leave them alone.

She had also been bribing them with money, clothes and anything they wanted to keep it from me.

She finally admitted to me that it had started before we actually broke up. They hadn’t done anything at that point, that came later, but the intention was there.

I wanted my children to know the truth for obvious reasons (being that I was the one being blamed for the breakup) but that led to the worst night of my life, ever. I used to be in the army and have seen some things that you wouldn’t wish on anyone, but this particular night was far worse for different reasons.

I was on the phone with her and wanted her to tell the girls what had happened so I could start to rebuild my relationship with them. She had turned them against me so I felt it was only right. She put it on speakerphone and said girls I want to tell you something you already know, I met [redacted] after me and your dad split up. The younger of the two said yeah we know why is dad going on about it. The elder started laughing. I said wait a minute mum has already told me when it really started and I want you to know the truth, she simply said whatever dad it was after you left. I shouted at my wife to tell them the truth and she just repeated it. I started to tell the younger why it was important and she screamed I don’t even care! The eldest was laughing even harder at this point and I heard her say this is so funny.

I couldn’t do anything for about 20 minutes, I just sat there staring at the wall. I rang my daughters mobile and tried to explain to her why I was so upset about everything and why it was important. She was ok at first but when I said why do you seem to have forgotten all of the good times we had, she shouted there were no good times and put the phone down. Again, stunned silence. We’ve had a pretty good life together, lots of family days out, holidays, walks in the park, swimming etc. But none of that mattered anymore. There were no good times.

Well, I’d had some dark thoughts up to that point, but this was something else entirely. My mind was racing and I felt like my head was going to explode. I was shaking uncontrollably and just totally consumed by grief. I live not far from the Humber Bridge and not a week goes by where someone has taken their own life by jumping off it. I’ve always seen something like that as a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but in that moment I understood why so many people seemed to take that way out.

About an hour later I’d decided what I was going to do. I was going to kill him before driving to the bridge and jumping off. I was just going to batter him to death. He is 24 years younger than me but he wouldn’t have stood a chance. He’s smaller, weedier and just a massive bellend. Ffs, he’s even got a huge receding hairline, I look younger than him! My wife is very pretty and despite everything that has happened I just kept thinking why him!? He must be able to charm the nuts from a squirrels mouth...

When I first saw a picture of him I actually told her she should’ve gone to Specsavers.

I know I know, looks aren’t important but fuck me. How bad must I be for her to choose him?

So yeah, that’s what I decided I was going to do. I was all set and I know I wasn’t thinking straight but at that point I was thinking I was in a nightmare and I wanted to wake up. That was how I would do it.

Then my daughter rang (the one who said she didn’t care and there were no good times). She said I’m really sorry dad I didn’t mean that I just hate everything that has happened. She brought me back. I’ve no doubt I would have done exactly what I said but her calling me when she did saved me. And that prick.

The next morning I was still feeling really bad and those dark thoughts kept popping up. I’d moved on from killing him and was just going to kill myself. I ended up ringing the Samaritans at 7am and was on the phone for over an hour with a really nice bloke who helped by not really saying much.

I do still keep thinking about doing it but I don’t think I will, I know the kids still need me and something like that will only hurt them. I hurt so much sometimes but I just have to get through it.

The relationship with my kids is now much better. The older girls keep telling me to get a new house so they can live with me. I’ve been spending time with them at home while she goes to work and spends the night at his house. This despite telling the girls especially they were going to stop seeing each other so much for a couple of weeks. She’s spent one night at home since saying that...

The thing is I’m really conflicted. She has been so horrible with some of the things she has said and done, even turning my own kids against me, but I still feel like I need to look out for her. People have told me I’m stupid for allowing her to do what she’s doing by looking after the children but they will suffer even more if I don’t. She can’t manage a couple of days looking after them without needing a break. I feel like she is making a massive mistake and everyone will suffer for it.

I did want her back but there’s no chance of that happening. Even if she wasn’t with him she has made it clear there is no going back. I no longer want to either.

I would normally turn to my best mate with all of this, and I have spoken to him about it. The thing is though, he has just done the exact same thing to his partner as mine did to me! What a world.

I haven’t spoken to my sister or brother in law about any of it, only the very basics and the same with my mother who comes to see me almost every day. I feel like they wouldn’t understand how I’m feeling. I know my mum is worried, but I don’t know. I just can’t speak to her about it.

I know people say it’s get easier, but does it really? I’m 53 and feel like that’s it for me now. I’ve never been alone in my life. I joined the army at 16, met my first wife at 18 and in all of that time it’s never been just me. I don’t like it at all.

Sorry for the length of this post and I know you are a bunch of strangers to me. I’ve read lots of your posts though and seen your words of wit and wisdom in many different situations. I kind of feel like I know many of you even though we may have never interacted before.

 

[irish-ranger]

I'm going to be bluntly honest with you Steve I think you both have issues that need addressed weather she was having an affair or not you had no right to hack her social media accounts nor should you have involved the kids weather they knew about the affair or not.
My daughter done the same thing on her husband last year actually that similar it's scary,I felt sorry for him that was until he involved the kids and then proceeded to neck a bottle of vodka and 40 tramadol resulting in a week in intensive care the family ousting him and social services involved.
You will get over this try and stay away from the drink as it will make you've even worse you need to accept she dosnt want you time will make things easier be civil to her for the sake of the kids or she will make things even worse.
Good luck and keep your head up

 

[dionysus]

I...well there's not a lot to say; but what I will say is - your relationship with your children will likely work fine as long as youre open and kind with them, as they mature and understand and process things better.
For yourself, move forward, think positively and know not everyone else out there is kind, but you can be and the best 'revenge' is being happy

 

[Guntis]

Stay strong! It's not the end of your life, life is going on!

 

[Jono777]

I tried to envisage myself in that very situation in an attempt to give you the best advice moving forward.

However it was almost impossible as I would not wish your situation on my worst enemy and as a CM regular and virtual friend I wish you nothing but the very best in getting the best possible and most positive outcome for you that there is.

In closing I would say as many others do that time is a great healer and it, despite the seemingly current futility will get better, also don't give that bitch the satisfaction!

 

[SteveBr]

I'm going to be bluntly honest with you Steve I think you both have issues that need addressed weather she was having an affair or not you had no right to hack her social media accounts nor should you have involved the kids weather they knew about the affair or not.
My daughter done the same thing on her husband last year actually that similar it's scary,I felt sorry for him that was until he involved the kids and then proceeded to neck a bottle of vodka and 40 tramadol resulting in a week in intensive care the family ousting him and social services involved.
You will get over this try and stay away from the drink as it will make you've even worse you need to accept she dosnt want you time will make things easier be civil to her for the sake of the kids or she will make things even worse.
Good luck and keep your head up

Thanks, I don’t drink so will be fine in that regard. Well, apart from the occasional can.

I didn’t involve the kids. She invented a story to cover up her seeing someone else. A story she then involved the 3 oldest children with in keeping it from their father. She actually told them they didn’t see what I was like when they were in bed and they believed it. Thankfully they no longer do.

She was adamant there was no one else involved and told everyone we both care about these horrible things about me. I knew she was lying and I was able to prove it.

 

[SteveBr]

I...well there's not a lot to say; but what I will say is - your relationship with your children will likely work fine as long as youre open and kind with them, as they mature and understand and process things better.
For yourself, move forward, think positively and know not everyone else out there is kind, but you can be and the best 'revenge' is being happy

Thanks Dionysus, that’s good advice.

 

[SteveBr]

I tried to envisage myself in that very situation in an attempt to give you the best advice moving forward.

However it was almost impossible as I would not wish your situation on my worst enemy and as a CM regular and virtual friend I wish you nothing but the very best in getting the best possible and most positive outcome for you that there is.

In closing I would say as many others do that time is a great healer and it, despite the seemingly current futility will get better, also don't give that bitch the satisfaction!

Thank you Jono, that really means a lot to me.

 

[goatwack]

Actually a tragic set of events and a torrid read. But this is probably more common than people realize.....it's quite shocking how abruptly long-term relationships can end, it beggars belief.

While it's still fresh in the mind it's going to feel awful for a while, but I think in time things will get better, and first and foremost are the kids in this scenario. They'll figure it out in time, be less partisan, and see both sides

Me on the other hand have been with my partner for 20 years and can't seem to shake her

 

[SteveBr]

Actually a tragic set of events and a torrid read. But this is probably more common than people realize.....it's quite shocking how abruptly long-term relationships can end, it beggars belief.

While it's still fresh in the mind it's going to feel awful for a while, but I think in time things will get better, and first and foremost are the kids in this scenario. They'll figure it out in time, be less partisan, and see both sides

Me on the other hand have been with my partner for 20 years and can't seem to shake her

Yes, sadly it is quite common.

I just couldn’t believe how quickly she involved this new “man” with the kids. Someone she hardly knows and someone who has already had multiple relationships despite only being 28. At least she has now agreed that a couple of weeks was way too soon for that.

I get that she didn’t want to be with me anymore, I have accepted that. It was all the crap around it I couldn’t accept.

Btw, maybe it was your older avatar but I actually thought you are gay! Oops

 

[irish-ranger]

Look at it this way
You can now piss with the seat down
Cut the grass when you choose
Watch what you want in TV
Leave your socks and kaks beside the bed as long as you want
Play slots as long as you want
The list is endless every negative has dozens positives.

 

[dionysus]

I get that she didn’t want to be with me anymore, I have accepted that.

 

[irish-ranger]

How the hell do you people do them faces.???

 

[goatwack]

Yes, sadly it is quite common.

I just couldn’t believe how quickly she involved this new “man” with the kids. Someone she hardly knows and someone who has already had multiple relationships despite only being 28. At least she has now agreed that a couple of weeks was way too soon for that.

I get that she didn’t want to be with me anymore, I have accepted that. It was all the crap around it I couldn’t accept.

Btw, maybe it was your older avatar but I actually thought you are gay! Oops

Whatever gave you that idea

 

[dionysus]

How the hell do you people do them faces.???

 

[dionysus]

Whatever gave you that idea

View attachment 107141

FFS goatie - I TOLD you that was pvt and not to share my grindr pic

 

[greylady]

We can't influence how much people love us or want to be with us but we do have the control over how our actions reflect us as a person. You always come across as a reasonable person with a good head on your shoulders so I am sure you will understand when I say 'keep your dignity and decorum', act as a gentleman, stay polite to your 'wife' and never use your children as a weapon and you will outshine yourself as the better person.

You need to find yourself having been in a relationship since a young age, you will be surprised once you get passed the grief of the break-up how much of life you missed out on and now need time to do for yourself, that which you once did for your family.

Stay strong and I am sure someone will always be around on here to lend a listening ear for a non bias response.

Take care x

 

[Harry_BKK]

Tough times Steve, very tough. Especially because you have five little ones that matter more than you, your wife, me or the rest of the world because the only reason they are in this world is you and your wife.

I was lucky in my life in such that something similar happened to me at a young age. It took me over a year to woe a girl and after being happily together for three months (long at that age) she just left the nightclub we were in with another bloke while I was on the toilet. High drama and all the rest followed.

The thing I learned is that nothing is for eternity, nor guaranteed, nor safe, nor really mine in my life. Neither is our life ever a straight line or road. Today, I changed that thinking and see that my kid will always be part of me. But the rest is like a passing picture, only the speed that something or someone passes might be slow enough to last a life time or like in my case high enough to end after just a few months.

We humans tend to make our wellbeing dependent on many peripheral things, marriage being one of them, whilst forgetting that we ourselves should keep our destiny and key to our happiness in our hands.

So my advice is, retrieve the key and don't let it go again. Your kids will be most thankful and happy if you are just the dad they are used too. Get a house as well as an arrangement for the custody of the kids and start moving on the new road you just found yourself in. And FYI, that road has no bridge to jump off.

Whilst we are a big bunch of gamblers here at CM, we are also open to help in any way we can as a community. Remember that, always. If you need to write stuff down and someone to read it, do it without hesitation as it will lift your burden. Remember the saying: "Shared burden is half the burden." Or something like that, I might have gotten part of it wrong because I am not a native English speaker.

 

[Mouche12]

Agreed on never using the children as a weapon, but it was the woman in this story who made things so much worse by lying and involving the children, even trying to set them up against Steve. Truly despicable behaviour. It's sad enough if one of the partners suddenly decides to break up a long (and what I understand happy) relationship.

However painful, you will survive. Your relationship with your children has improved, there will be a lot of mourning but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Take care and all the best.

 

[colinsunderland]

You need to realise you will get through this, although obviously it will take time
I would suggest ringing the Samaritans anytime you are feeling low, possibly self refer for some CBT too.
Everyone deals with things in different ways, but I probably wouldn't have told the kids anything, the 2 eldest are old enough to work out themselves what happened, and if not yet they would at some point, it's a natural reaction to try to get your point over, but it can cause resentment so I would avoid that if at all possible mate.

Splitting up with someone can be worse than a death in some ways, when someone dies it's final, you say goodbye, knowing there is no tomorrow with them, but a break up, especially when you are in love, people will always think, oh maybe we can sort things out, she's still there, might get back together etc, theres no end as it's always possible it isn't over.

Do whats best for you, I'm not sure you having the kids all the time while she is at his is going to help long term, maybe you should look for your own place and have them over as and when you can, it sounds like she sees you as some kind of unpaid babysitter, you do all the 'normal' stuff, while she's out having fun.

FWIW he would be in a ditch somewhere with his kneecaps done if I was in your position, he knew full well she was married with kids, bang out of order, you have more self restraint than me, which is probably a good thing cos I would probably be in jail if it were me .

Hope it all works out for you mate, but seriously, either self refer for some CBT or make a doctors appointment (who will probably tell you to self refer too) and he might give you some mild anti-depressants (sertraline or similar), as from what you have posted you are quite possibly depressed, even if you don't realise it