My life

[Harry_BKK]

Was good to read your post Steve. Happy you made such big progress in a relatively short period!

 

[lotusch]

Thanks for the update mate...Great progress made indeed as already mentioned...
Keep us posted man, always here for a chat as I told you before...

 

[mcgameboy]

Can't (and won't) pretend to know how you're feeling Steve. Because I've never been in that situation.

But I am happy to see that you appear to be in a much better place now than you were when you took the step of starting this thread.

Keep your chin up and hang in there mate. You'll be OK.

 

[smart_croatia]

great update Steve, keep up positive vibe as much as you can, fight day by day and one day you will feel free finally, at that point you are good to go for next level and taking care of your self and your kids and simply enjoy little things in life, you deserved to be happy and you will find someone who will love you the way you are!!!

 

[greylady]

Thanks for the update

You will go through all the stages, just like the grieving process and remember you will and can come out the other side smiling - life is what we make it and you have your whole future ahead, which I am sure will bring so many more happy memories.

Take care x

 

[SpinUk]

Once again I’d like to thank everyone for your replies and messages. I was a bit too overwhelmed to reply to each post individually, but every single one of you has really helped me. This is an amazing community and I will be forever grateful that I was able to share something so personal and painful for me. Without it I would have wallowed in it and not got anywhere so thank you again.

Where I’m at now...

I’m back at home temporarily, but we’re not together in that sense.

A couple of weeks ago, as a result of a lot of hassle she was getting from her family and the two older girls, she took an overdose. I had tried messaging her and her replies were being really strange. I called my elder daughter and told her to check that she was ok. She wouldn’t at first, it was quite late at night and she said she’d be fine. When she did go and look, she saw she was in the kitchen taking pills from a bowl. I raced around, and could see she needed to go to hospital. Luckily, what she had taken wasn’t too serious but she stayed in overnight and was ill for a couple of days.

Because she had taken the pills while our five children were in the house, we both agreed that I would come back temporarily and help with the children and their attitude toward everything that has happened. She had lied about absolutely everything and it had come back to bite her on her arse big time. She has now told me everything about it, it’s still shit but at least the lies have now stopped.

Social services also became involved and have said she is not to be in sole charge of the children until she has been properly assessed. I will only be able to leave again once they say she poses no risk. Good job it was something we both agreed to beforehand.

Some people have asked if I’m sure she didn’t do it for attention. I don’t think she did, but I obviously don’t know for sure.

She is still with her new boyfriend, I’ve said after a couple of months he can start coming round to the house while the kids are here so they can get used to it. Assuming of course it looks like their relationship is here to stay. I will have a talk with him beforehand though. Apparently he is willing to do whatever we say is best for the kids.

My wife wants me and her to have a really good relationship. She said it’s not just for the kids benefit but for hers too. She wants me to get a house close, preferably on the same street and she also said on the kids birthdays, Christmas etc she wants me to stay over

I said I’m not sure lover boy would like that if he’s living here and she said he doesn’t have a choice in the matter they are your kids.

I don’t know what to think of that really.

At the moment things are fine, somethings even more than fine...

I know we don’t have a future together and it is really strange. It’s like we are still together, how it was before when things were good, but we aren’t. She’s been to his and stayed overnight a few times and I kind of don’t mind that. I don’t think I’ve fully got my head around it and I’m not sure how healthy this is in the long run. I know someone on here said about her getting the best of both worlds and it does seem that way sometimes.

My younger daughter is really hoping we get back together and I’ve spoken to her a lot about it. She says it’s obvious mum still loves you but all she thinks about is that stupid boy at the moment (he’s 28). I’ve explained that we aren’t and that we’re trying to make the transition easier for them and to be there for them, that it doesn’t have to be acrimonious and unpleasant. She’s convinced she’s right though.

My wife clearly has some issues and hopefully it is something she will get help for. That’s another thing she has asked me to help her with. Mental health services are quite stretched in this area and she wasn’t even visited by the mental health team in hospital which I thought was surprising. I thought they must have done for social services to become involved.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at now. My dark thoughts have all but disappeared but I do feel very sad sometimes. I know that’s to be expected and I know I will be fine. As you have all said, I need to be there for my kids and I most definitely will be.

Thank you all x

Sorry to hear. I was with you on the situation before you mentioned her still seeing her boyfriend while you are living with her, supporting her with her mental problems and no doubt with the practicalities of looking after the kids at the same time. Im sorry but for me thats taking the piss.

The suggestion of you living a few doors down (as a safety net) while she carries on with her new boyfriend is also a bad bad idea, and will totally destroy whats left of your self esteem. I think you need to say while in your current situation she needs to knock the boyfriend on the head out of respect for you and your support. Its also not healthy for the kids with her being as she is with you living there, helping out while she has her cake and eat it.

On the plus side, what she has done recently and with social services in full knowledge, this does put you on very good grounds for any child access issues she might contemplate when the dust settles.

 

[mack341]

Thought to myself the other day 'I wonder how steve's getting on', sounds like things are better in some respects and more worrying in others.

I think there would be more cause needed for someone to take an overdose than just hassle from family and eldest children, though that might have been the tipping point, could be all sorts of additional reasons/causes but it's not right for me to sit here and speculate.

It's so sad for somebody to feel the need to take an overdose, and putting aside the affair and breakup, I do feel sorry for your wife being in that terrible state of mind; but it's also confusing and hard on you, because on top of everything else it looks like you've now got to continue emotionally supporting your wife, at least until she's better and out of the woods.

I suppose if the boyfriend walks away, which he might depending on how serious your wife's mental illness is, it will make things worse, your wife won't cope with that either.

ahhhh Steve, wishing you all the best fella and hope that the overall situation for you and yours gets better soon

 

[geordiecolin]

I look forward to the post that tells us that her new squeeze is out of the picture,she is no longer working with him and that you are both blissfully happy together again.

 

[SteveBr]

Sorry to hear. I was with you on the situation before you mentioned her still seeing her boyfriend while you are living with her, supporting her with her mental problems and no doubt with the practicalities of looking after the kids at the same time. Im sorry but for me thats taking the piss.

The suggestion of you living a few doors down (as a safety net) while she carries on with her new boyfriend is also a bad bad idea, and will totally destroy whats left of your self esteem. I think you need to say while in your current situation she needs to knock the boyfriend on the head out of respect for you and your support. Its also not healthy for the kids with her being as she is with you living there, helping out while she has her cake and eat it.

I hear you. I do feel like a mug sometimes and we’ve had a couple of heated discussions about it. Not about her seeing him, but how often and the fact that she seems to be forgetting she’s also a mother. All I can do is what’s best for my kids. I can’t stop her from seeing him and I don’t particularly want to, but her priorities are all messed up at the moment. I’ve noticed some bills haven’t been paid, my youngest daughters immunisation appointment has been missed (twice), a couple of calls from school have been ignored etc. etc. Oh and she’s drinking a lot more than usual too. It used to be a bottle of wine a night most nights but now she’s found a taste for gin too.

I can try and help her get sorted out but ultimately she has to take some responsibility herself.

On the plus side, what she has done recently and with social services in full knowledge, this does put you on very good grounds for any child access issues she might contemplate when the dust settles.

I have thought about that but if I did something like that I think it would push her completely over the edge.

She really doesn’t have anyone else at the moment, apart from Me and him (and the kids). She has her family, but they are being quite cold toward her and she is struggling with that. She was quite close to her sister, but when she realised she had been told a pack of lies she took a step back and hardly gets in touch anymore. Mind you, she’s just found out her fiancé has cheated on her so maybe it’s all a bit too close to home for her...

 

[SteveBr]

Thought to myself the other day 'I wonder how steve's getting on', sounds like things are better in some respects and more worrying in others.

I think there would be more cause needed for someone to take an overdose than just hassle from family and eldest children, though that might have been the tipping point, could be all sorts of additional reasons/causes but it's not right for me to sit here and speculate.

It's so sad for somebody to feel the need to take an overdose, and putting aside the affair and breakup, I do feel sorry for your wife being in that terrible state of mind; but it's also confusing and hard on you, because on top of everything else it looks like you've now got to continue emotionally supporting your wife, at least until she's better and out of the woods.

I suppose if the boyfriend walks away, which he might depending on how serious your wife's mental illness is, it will make things worse, your wife won't cope with that either.

ahhhh Steve, wishing you all the best fella and hope that the overall situation for you and yours gets better soon

Thanks so much Mack.

You are right, she has suffered in the past with depression, but has never stayed on the tablets long enough for them to take effect.

She was raised by her grandparents for the most part and she isn’t close to her mum. The one thing she wants in the world is to be loved by her mum and dad. Her mum is horrible if truth be told. She left when my wife was 6, leaving her and her 2 brothers with her step dad. She’s been in touch sporadically since, but it never goes well. Her dad is trying to make more of an effort, but he’s a self centred arrogant arsehole for the most part. He’s a millionaire and all he thinks about are how many houses he has and how to make more money. He never splashes the cash though. He buys the kids presents at Christmas and birthdays, but doesn’t spend much on them. The most extravagant thing he did was to pay for our wedding. When it came to his speech, he made sure that everyone there had him to thank because he paid for it...

The biggest issue in her life is the health of her grandad. He is on his last legs now unfortunately and it has affected her very badly. I’ve tried to support her through it, but she knows what’s coming and I dread to think what will happen when that day comes.

I’m not making excuses for her, but she does have her problems.

As for her boyfriend, well, that’s another story. This next bit may be a bit tmi, but here goes.

He found out a couple of weeks ago that me and her have had sex since we broke up. He ignored her for a whole day(!) which led to her having a go at him at work. Swearing at him and calling him all kinds of derogatory things apparently.

The next day? He called her and apologised for his behaviour!

I know why and I may have mentioned it in an earlier post, but with her he will think he has won the lottery. He’s 28 and his hairstyle resembles Friar Tuck. He’s very pasty and also has anxiety and depression issues. I’m not just saying this but my wife is very pretty. He would probably jump off the Humber Bridge if she left him. I’m stunned that she’s gone with him, but as she rightly said, it’s not all about looks. He will put up with anything in order to stay with her. I think she knows this too. She actually said why would I pick someone attractive? I would always be thinking they’ll get a better offer. That right there illustrates how insecure she is

 

[SteveBr]

I look forward to the post that tells us that her new squeeze is out of the picture,she is no longer working with him and that you are both blissfully happy together again.

I can’t see it happening unfortunately. Even if she broke up with him, she’s already said we wouldn’t get back together. Obviously her views might change if they did break up, but I’m moving on too and I really don’t think I could go back to her knowing what she’s done and how she has behaved.

I do want to look out for her though. I still love and care about her despite everything, and she is the mother to our kids.

 

[greylady]

I can’t see it happening unfortunately. Even if she broke up with him, she’s already said we wouldn’t get back together. Obviously her views might change if they did break up, but I’m moving on too and I really don’t think I could go back to her knowing what she’s done and how she has behaved.

I do want to look out for her though. I still love and care about her despite everything, and she is the mother to our kids.

I really wouldn't! I firmly believe people break up for a reason and if you turn back the clock you are setting yourself up for failure and could you ever really regain the trust? I have never ever returned to a relationship that has been broken, why would I set myself up like that?

 

[irish-ranger]

Stevie
I agree with greylady here you current situation is a recipe for disaster both yourself and her new squeeze are being played like fiddles.
By all means be there for your kids but you need to distance your self from her and sleeping with her is certainly not the answer as it's giving you false hope.
Start thinking about your own well being here or you will never move on with your life and for gods sake what ever you do don't be there when the new man comes round and for her to even suggest that just goes to show what type of person she really is.
Remember you are not her keeper let her sort her own shit and if that causes the kids to suffer you remove them cos she certainly dosnt give a flying hoot about you
Good luck mate ...

 

[mack341]

Thanks so much Mack.

You are right, she has suffered in the past with depression, but has never stayed on the tablets long enough for them to take effect.

She was raised by her grandparents for the most part and she isn’t close to her mum. The one thing she wants in the world is to be loved by her mum and dad. Her mum is horrible if truth be told. She left when my wife was 6, leaving her and her 2 brothers with her step dad. She’s been in touch sporadically since, but it never goes well. Her dad is trying to make more of an effort, but he’s a self centred arrogant arsehole for the most part. He’s a millionaire and all he thinks about are how many houses he has and how to make more money. He never splashes the cash though. He buys the kids presents at Christmas and birthdays, but doesn’t spend much on them. The most extravagant thing he did was to pay for our wedding. When it came to his speech, he made sure that everyone there had him to thank because he paid for it...

The biggest issue in her life is the health of her grandad. He is on his last legs now unfortunately and it has affected her very badly. I’ve tried to support her through it, but she knows what’s coming and I dread to think what will happen when that day comes.

I’m not making excuses for her, but she does have her problems.

As for her boyfriend, well, that’s another story. This next bit may be a bit tmi, but here goes.

He found out a couple of weeks ago that me and her have had sex since we broke up. He ignored her for a whole day(!) which led to her having a go at him at work. Swearing at him and calling him all kinds of derogatory things apparently.

The next day? He called her and apologised for his behaviour!

I know why and I may have mentioned it in an earlier post, but with her he will think he has won the lottery. He’s 28 and his hairstyle resembles Friar Tuck. He’s very pasty and also has anxiety and depression issues. I’m not just saying this but my wife is very pretty. He would probably jump off the Humber Bridge if she left him. I’m stunned that she’s gone with him, but as she rightly said, it’s not all about looks. He will put up with anything in order to stay with her. I think she knows this too. She actually said why would I pick someone attractive? I would always be thinking they’ll get a better offer. That right there illustrates how insecure she is

I think mental illness can cause a lot of strain in a relationship, a depressed person might blame their partner for how they mentally feel, little arguments or the wrong word said gets magnified as they're not really seeing reality.

The more you explain your wife's situation I definitely feel sorry for her, I can understand other people saying 'I think you need a clean break here steve' but you can only be true to yourself, deep emotions don't just stop. The good thing is your familes now know the truth, so that's one less thing to have on your mind

Sorry, I wasn't meaning to infer your wife was lucky being with this friar tuck character but I was just thinking if he was a selfish so and so [which on the grounds of the situation, helping to break up a family with five young children it certainly looks that way] he might not stick around to support your wife through a mental health crisis and then if he did a runner, in a fragile state of mind she might not cope very well with that.

Woman don't always go on looks as a priority, maybe its the shared mental health problems creating some sort of chemistry/dependance

I knew a girl who turned to drink as a way of self medicating, but of course it makes depression worse, and also she had a complicated love life, which went hand in hand with the mental illness. [ I don't think you're meant to drink alcohol while taking anti depressants etc.. either]

I think you've handled this whole, complicated, emotional situation really well, miles better than I would be able to, and reading your posts, I think to myself 'what's a man got to do to keep a wife happy these days' - being intelligent, cool, compassionate, caring and responsible seems is not enough..

blimey maybe it is the friar tuck hairstyle

 

[SteveBr]

Hi everyone,

A lot has been going on so time for another update.

So, where to start...

I’ve met the other guy now. He came around to the house while she was at work and ended up staying for a few hours. I did get a text from my ex a few minutes before he arrived, politely asking me not to knock him out. I think they were both worried my wanting to meet him was just an excuse to kick ten bells out of him. It wasn’t though, I got past that stage quite a while ago.

He was very nervous, but it went alright really. This might sound strange but I actually think he’s not a bad bloke and I’ve got no issues with him being around my kids now or in the future. He said where they are concerned, what I say goes and I can’t really ask for more than that. My kids quite like him too and think he’s very nice, so there should be no issues from them. The main thing I want to take from everything that has happened is it doesn’t need to affect them negatively in the future. I get on ok with him and I get on well with her. They see that and consequently the atmosphere around the home is very good.

I’m still at home and I will be staying there now. In the next 2-3 months she will be moving out and into a bigger house with him. I’m keeping more or less everything so I’m not having to start afresh.

My second oldest daughter (12) will be staying with me and my 8 year old son will alternate one week with me and one week with her. He wanted to stay too but alternating for now I think is better. My oldest daughter is just looking forward to having her own room for once, but she did ask if she can stay whenever she wants. Obviously she can.

The two youngest will be going with her. I will have them every Wednesday and Thursday and also Sunday’s. I’ll probably have all of them every other weekend too. A few people have already said give it a month and they will all be back with me and that is a possibility. I don’t think she can cope with the youngest so we will just have to see.

I have also met someone else now! I went on a dating site for the first time in my life and I’ve had a few dates with someone who is so nice. She has no kids though so my family will be a bit of a culture shock for her! She’s only a couple of years younger than me (As opposed to a couple of decades) and we seem to have hit it off really well. My two girls really like her and keep saying dad you really have to get with her she’s so nice!

I feel so much more confident about the future now. I’ve gone from being at the lowest point in my life with no hope and fearful for what may come, to getting my confidence back and being more in control of my life.

I’ve got you guys to thank for that. This community is bloody amazing and I’ve had so much advice and friendly words of encouragement. It would have been so much harder without you all and I will never forget what you have done for me.

Thank you all so much.

To the future!

 

[Mr_Slot5]

Hi @SteveBr

It's great to read that you are back on track, love stories like this where people have bounced back from real low points.

I have followed your story all the way (even before I signed up a few weeks back) and what a thoroughly decent guy you seem.

All the best mate

 

[Harry_BKK]

Summer is coming!

Aaah, this was really the nicest and best post to read on CM in quite some time!

As I said previously, take the new road, it will lead surely somewhere and it might even be pretty good.

 

[Jono777]

Great read and uplifting, not enough good news about these days so thanks for sharing some excellent news

 

[greylady]

Wonderful news Steve

You moved on and seem so much happier sooner than I could have ever expected for you, see it as a new chapter in your life, a new beginning so to speak. Just remember we are never afraid of the unknown, only afraid of the known coming to an end when it is the unknown that usually makes us so much happier.

 

[incrediblestuff]

Really happy you have managed to sit down with the bloke and it sounds like it all kind of worked out! Of course not taking away from your hardships here - but this is probably as good as it gets, from there on out, in the case of a tough situation like this. Even better you met some one



Here's a cheers...to life!

 

[geordiecolin]

I'm so happy to read your update and I wish you well with your new squeeze

 

[smart_croatia]

now this is an update that we all here wanted to read, you became bigger man, you settle everything in peace, you have new GF, see what is life its like one minute you are in black hole next one you are seeing that light at the end of tunnel, grab your life by balls and control how you want it for the first time in your life, I wish you all the best, and we all are proud of ya!!!!

 

[goatwack]

Great restraint shown and a positive prognosis which is great to see

Still think you should have booby trapped the house and say he "walked into a door"

 

[sapit222]

Good to hear its going well for you now Steve!

 

[mack341]

Well done Steve what a great update, I'm a big believer in fate or serendipity, and it sounds like you are much more happier now you're energy is so positive and strong I was certain you'd get back on your feet and meet someone special

And to settle the boyfriend issue the way you have, what a great dad and example you are to your children