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Discussion in 'The Attic' started by XOXOXOXOXOX, Nov 1, 2013.

    Nov 1, 2013
  1. XOXOXOXOXOX

    XOXOXOXOXOX Let em spin... PABaccred

    Occupation:
    Software developer
    Location:
    O Canada!
    sorry i will look like a fool but i have no one to talk to...

    I just found that my boyfriend who we are living together with posting adds on craigslist looking for a sexual partner. I always thought we were great in this department but with the kids around and living in a small condo (mine) it’s hard to find time but it still great, sorry TMI....

    He says that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I am over reacting, he said he has not been with no one else….

    What do you do??? Our teenage kids are very connected and I was happy for my daughter to have siblings, I love his kids too but I feel so devastated right now and drunk too O_O

    Sorry

    ;_;
     
  2. Nov 1, 2013
  3. dionysus

    dionysus can turn wine into water CAG MM

    Occupation:
    n/a
    Location:
    I'm a Canucklehead
    men surfing porn?...normal
    men lying about it, swearing they dont, hiding it, still doing it....still normal
    flirting incorrigibly...normal

    actively looking for sex with someone else?...boot his ass to the curb

    but, thats me, I dont have your relationship, kids, the whole nine yards, so it's your call
    personally, you should be talking to family, a best friend, a counsellor
     
    12 people like this.
  4. Nov 1, 2013
  5. Cleveland

    Cleveland Meister Member

    Occupation:
    Professional problem solver
    Location:
    Texas
    Just going to keep it short since I'm at work. Learning how to work out relationship problems without trying to change who your partner is important. The couples who have been married for 40+ years are hard to find these days but when you do they will all tell you the same. *me parents have been married for 39*

    The most concerning part in what you said is the fact that he stated "you're over reacting." Clearly it's a big issue and very hurtful to many. For him to blow off your emotions like that in order to make himself feel better / complacent in what he is doing, would make me want to tell you to leave him. Your the one in the relationship though thus you know him better than us. However I would pay attention to the words he is using. None of them have anything to do with what's needed in the relationship. Just sounds like a guy who gets blown over by the wind and can't resist the normal daily temptations of life.

    Man umm yea that's me keeping it short :oops: ....
     
    8 people like this.
  6. Nov 1, 2013
  7. El_Bastardo

    El_Bastardo maxd's dimwit twin

    Location:
    El Bastardo land
    Sounds like your guy thinks he's clever enough to have a home life AND some fun on the side. The "you're over-reacting" part roughly translates to "I'll do it if you are willing to let me get away with it". Maybe he does love you as much as he says, maybe he doesn't, but you already know this: love you or not he does want to get slippy with someone else. And he's willing to lie to do it, not to mention trying to blame-shift it all onto you. It's up to you to decide whether you're willing to go along with this or not. In the end you'll get what you settle for.

    IMO when it comes to matters of the dick most men are generally as honest, responsible and monogamous as they have to be. Most will screw around if they can, expecially if they can get away with it. If they can be convinced that any such "recreational infidelity" will terminally ruin their lives then they have a reason to re-think things. Some will, most won't. Such is the nature of my gender I'm sorry to say.
     
    4 people like this.
  8. Nov 1, 2013
  9. chayton

    chayton aka LooHoo CAG PABnonaccred webmeister

    Occupation:
    Freelance Designer
    Location:
    Edmonton Canada
    oh man...I have to agree, if he admits he's doing it and says you're overreacting, there's something seriously messed up there. If he loves you as he says he wouldn't be advertising for someone else period. What the hell kind of reason did he give for it? Just curious? Just trolling?

    To be honest if it was me, I'd pack up my shit and go stay somewhere else for awhile until you get your head clear - do you have a friend or family member you can go stay with for a few days?
     
    4 people like this.
  10. Nov 1, 2013
  11. mimi26

    mimi26 Meister Member

    Occupation:
    nurse
    Location:
    uk
    Get rid NOW, there is no working shit like this out, if you let him get away with it once he WILL do it again, I am telling you this from experience. Has he tried to blame you yet?, because it will come. Kick his sorry ass out the door
     
    2 people like this.
  12. Nov 1, 2013
  13. KasinoKing

    KasinoKing WebMeister & Slotaholic.. CAG MM PABnonaccred webmeister

    Occupation:
    House-Husband and Casino Advisor
    Location:
    Bexhill on sea, England
    Sounds like a mid-life crisis - you know, getting older and thinking you don't have many good years left in the intimate relationship department...
    Looking for something (especially via the internet) and actually doing something are 2 completely different things. We all go "window shopping" on the net - but we don't buy everything we like the look of!

    Try to find the time to give your man some extra attention - spice up your own love-life and he will stop looking outside for his thrills.

    KK
     
    3 people like this.
  14. Nov 1, 2013
  15. mimi26

    mimi26 Meister Member

    Occupation:
    nurse
    Location:
    uk
    Sorry KK thats terrible advice, basically you are saying that she should be paying him more attention. He may just be a greedy f@cker who wants it at home and away. This is not the ops fault its her partners
     
    9 people like this.
  16. Nov 1, 2013
  17. Googobucs

    Googobucs Meister Member

    Occupation:
    IT Manager
    Location:
    Florida, USA
    From someone that would cheat and take advantage of every opportunity that presented itself when I was younger, IMO it will not stop. Run now while you can. He will end up old and alone playing slot machines on the internet.
     
    5 people like this.
  18. Nov 1, 2013
  19. mrmark21

    mrmark21 Meister Member

    Occupation:
    Telecommunications Consultant
    Location:
    australia
    I'd kick his arsse right out the door. Life is far to short. Just because he hasn't dosent mean he won't. His out there actively pursuing a little bit of fun on the side. I think you need to at least set some boundaries let him know that there will be consequences for any infidelity. Maybe he can ponder that for a couple of weeks after you kick him out (I wouldn't be against throwing him out of his own house either). What you shouldn't do is blame yourself for him sticking his nose where it shouldn't be.

    But that's just my opinion. I wouldn't be to concerned. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. You can do better :)
     
    3 people like this.
  20. Nov 1, 2013
  21. XOXOXOXOXOX

    XOXOXOXOXOX Let em spin... PABaccred

    Occupation:
    Software developer
    Location:
    O Canada!
    thanks everyone, your opinions mean a lot to me.

    I don't have any family (except of his family) or very close friends at this time and i am not on any other forums...
    i don't know right now if i will be strong enough to end this, he probably will some up with some lame explanation....

    This hurts a lot especially now as i was having some health issues for the last month and was so happy that i am not alone.

    His "over-reacting" perhaps related to me crying a lot and not the fact that's its ok to cheat...
     
    2 people like this.
  22. Nov 1, 2013
  23. Smokeycasino

    Smokeycasino Experienced Member

    Occupation:
    QA
    Location:
    Central California
    You only live once...
     
    1 person likes this.
  24. Nov 1, 2013
  25. dunover

    dunover Unofficial T&C's Editor Staff Member CAG PABnononaccred PABnonaccred PABinit mm3 webmeister

    Occupation:
    International Money Launderer
    Location:
    the bus shelter, opposite GCHQ Benhall
    Whether he cheated or not, or was 'testing the water' it signifies there is something lacking in his feelings toward you and he is not 100% into the relationship. Why he isn't 100% into it is something you need to establish whether you kick his ass out or not, if only for your peace of mind to stop you mulling over it for months. Whatever the outcome, the problem lies within HIM and not you. I hope you get through this OK.:)
     
    2 people like this.
  26. Nov 1, 2013
  27. bsilva028

    bsilva028 Banned : multi-account fraudster PABnoaccred PABaccred

    Occupation:
    salesman
    Location:
    portugal
    a short opinion

    KICK HIM OFF !!!
     
    1 person likes this.
  28. Nov 1, 2013
  29. LHofsdal

    LHofsdal Ueber Meister MM

    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location:
    NY
    XOXOXOX,

    I am sorry to hear this, I know it must be very painful, and to feel like your alone, doesn't make it better. So sorry you are going through this.

    I have been with my husband now for 24 years and married 18 years of them. All couples go through rough times, it is just natural, but in all the years we have been together, we both lived by this promise, that if we were unhappy and wanted to be with someone else, we would let the other one go first.

    I can't get over the fact he is telling you "You're over reacting" to me that is just plain BS. Because if it were you, what would he be doing. It sounds like he is a little to calm in this situation, and that would be sending me warning signs. And as painful as it is, you need to be thinking about you and your kids, because to me has gone past "just thinking about it". When your posting ads on of all freaking places Craigs list, then the intent is there. And to me, there is no over reacting when you find something like this out.

    It may be a hard move, but I would be seriously be thinking about asking him to leave. The space and time apart just might be better for both of you. With the pain your feeling and with kids in the house, I am sure the tension is horrible and kids do sense that. Sure my hubby might fantasize about doing Heidi Klum, but if I ever found out he was actively pursuing it, I would be throwing another frying at his head, and this time I would NOT just be breaking his colar bone!

    I don't want to this sound like I am bashing your man, but in all honesty, he is one selfish human. When you live together, even if not married, your still acting as family. And when something like this happens, he is not just hurting you, he is hurting the kids too. Both your kids and his kids. Which isn't fair to any of you. And plain and simple just not right.

    We can only state our opinions, and give you suggestions on what to do, but you and only you can make the decision. Which I know isn't going to be easy, but hang in there, I hope things work out for the best for you. Only you know what is going to make you happy, and please don't take this as "something you have done" because it is him that took the ad out, not you.

    All the best to you.
    Lori
     
    5 people like this.
  30. Nov 1, 2013
  31. jjezebel37

    jjezebel37 Meister Member mm1

    Occupation:
    sales/marketing
    Location:
    Belfast (Northern Ireland)
    I got to agree on this one tbh.

    Looking and doing are two completely different things as KK says.

    Maybe it's the time now to say 'hey, he's mine, wth am i going to do to keep him interested?'

    Don't give up....family is way too important :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  32. Nov 1, 2013
  33. LaHutti

    LaHutti Sr. ÜberUnter Ass. Man. webby PABnonaccred PABaccred

    Occupation:
    .
    Location:
    East and West
    To put an ad ANYWHERE is taking it up a few steps from "looking" imo, and apparently family isn't as important to him, as it is to the poor op of this thread. I feel very sorry for you, and what I know you're going through right now.

    I may be slightly colored in my opinions, since I've been at the wrong end of something like this 15+ years ago (though the final step was taken in my case, and it ended in a very nasty divorce. Had the final step not been taken, it would still have ended in a divorce, but probably less nasty.) Once you've been there, you know what it means, and what it really does to a person, whether you're a man or a woman. I'm one of the people, whose parents were married for 45+ years, til death did them part, and because of that, have probably been very naive, thinking that it's actually possible, to be in a relationship for life.

    You put all your trust in another human being, which is not an easy thing to do in the first place. It takes a long time to build that 100% trust, and let me tell you, if you get there, and that trust is broken, it will stay broken forever, unless you're made of something that doesn't exist, and living in a relationship, where the trust is broken ... again, in my humble opinion...is 100 times worse, than not living in a relationship at all. When the trust is broken, the relationship is broken.

    Not only does it break the relationship you're in, but you carry it with you. You take it to your next relationship. Try building that unconditional trust in another human being, after being treated like a piece of garbage, the last time you did it.

    I know people are different, but from my perspective, saying that you're over reacting is like giving you another smack in the face. There IS no over reacting. He should be on his knees, begging you to forgive his stupidity and poor judgement. He has no idea what he has done to you, and judging from his reaction, he doesn't care. He is extremely selfish, and has no interest in a true relationship with you. If he did, he would have worked on your relationship, rather than looking for ways out of it (sorry if this sounds harsh, but you asked for opinions).

    You basically have a lot of questions to ask yourself.. Can you ever trust this person again ? Can you live in a relationship, and can your kids, where this will be in the back of your head again and again ? Do you really still love this person, knowing that this is what he may be doing....you know for a fact that he HAS been doing it. Can you put that aside, and honestly say that you love this person, or is this now based on feeling safe in a relationship of any kind, rather than being on your own, with your kids ?

    You are the only one who can answer those questions (and more), and trust me, i don't envy you even having to ask yourself those questions.

    I hope you have someone you can talk to, and hope you and your kids get through this in the best possible way.

    To the people who think this person is over reacting....we can talk, once you've been there.

     
    4 people like this.
  34. Nov 1, 2013
  35. cpdnd31

    cpdnd31 Ueber Meister CAG webmeister

    Occupation:
    -
    Location:
    where the taxes are the highest
    First Off : Craigslist to hook up.. I would go to Dr. and make sure in case he did cheat already that he didn't bring anything home. If you understand my meaning.

    Now only you and you alone have to live with the situation he has put you in. Can You? Can he walk out that door and you know for a fact he is going where he says he is. Are you willing to put yourself in that state of mind for him?
    Now if you say you don't want to leave because of the kids- how old are they? just because you won't be living with them does not mean you won't be in contact with them.
    I can't tell you what to do but Craigslist is known for hookups with - hookers and closet gays. Sorry the truth hurts. oh and weird kinky stuff.
    If it was me I would kick his ass out-- and quick maybe he needs to be away from you to understand how much he misses you.
    Like they say set the butterfly free if he fly's back it was meant to be --but only after physical exam and blood work.


    t
     
    4 people like this.
  36. Nov 1, 2013
  37. chayton

    chayton aka LooHoo CAG PABnonaccred webmeister

    Occupation:
    Freelance Designer
    Location:
    Edmonton Canada
    :thumbsup: You're on the money mimi. If you have to constantly be 'performing' for your man not because you want to, but because of fear that he'll go somewhere else if you don't, that's not a very healthy relationship.

    I actually know a woman who was in a relationship like that - she played his game for awhile, but when he brought a couple guys and a video camera home she finally found her self respect and divorced the scumbag.

    mimi is also right about the blame game - don't you dare let him put the blame on you for what HE did. Every person is responsible for their own actions, no matter what perceived justification he can come up with for doing it, it was HIM that did it.

    None of us here know you or your relationship. Only you can decide if it's worth saving. But if you're going to save it, you both need to talk to a counselor - believe me, it will help a lot. If you don't he'll still be thinking you were just overreacting, and you'll never be able to trust him again. It's going to be a bumpy ride, and I wish you luck no matter what you decide to do.
     
    2 people like this.
  38. Nov 1, 2013
  39. Andy Walker

    Andy Walker Full Member

    Occupation:
    Tax Payer
    Location:
    UK
    Craigslist what a blast from the past, I think I last used that to buy a second hand wardrobe. It arrived with wonky hinges and not the colour I asked for and as I inspected the product two illegal immigrants jumped out and ran down into the garden and jumped over the fence.

    Don't get me wrong I am not a picky type and can accept things go wrong in life like a broken fence, questions from the police about possible trafficking, and needing to chat with my insurance company about why my car was driven away with ease and ended up on fire in the outskirts of London.

    But using that service (Craigslist) to find a new partner I find impossible to believe, this just does not happen :lolsign:
     
    2 people like this.

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