The Things I Owe My Parents

[BingoT]

The Things I Owe My Parents

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

26. And if you think I'm kidding, you've got another think coming.

 

[smcinoz]

lol

some funny ones there

i remember in one of Billy Connollys shows he talks about a similar thing

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'New and Improved!'. Which is it?! If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "Life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? Knob head!

10. People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be". So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser!

14. When people ask "Where did you lose it?". That must be one of the most stupid question's in the history of the human race! It's lost that means I don't know where it fucking is!