Medical Jokes

[BingoT]

Medical Jokes


Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

+++++++++++++++

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

++++++++++++++

A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so its not like you're the first ..." This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "...but they probably weren't vets."

++++++++++++++

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"


++++++++++++++


Warning Signs that you need a new Doctor:

- The patient before you was a goat.

- Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

- He has an assistant named Igor.

- The local bar association named him "client of the year."

- Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.

- During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.

- Mike Wallace and a film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.

- He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

- You can beat him in a game of Operation.

- All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series".

- He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.


++++++++++++++


Two men were in a clinical laboratory. One of them was moaning badly, the second man asked him the reason why he was whining so badly. The first man replied, "I had come for a blood test and they cut a part of my finger." The second man replied with a great amount of fright, "Oh no! I have come for a urine test!"

+++++++++++++


The doctor comes in and tells his patient he has some good news and some bad news, the good news is that you don't have cancer, the bad news is that you have short- term memory loss. Then the patient says, "But do I have Cancer?"


++++++++++++++

Outside a pharmacy, in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle. He was just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?" Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had a terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help." Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant says, "Sure he does. I gave him a box of our strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough."

+++++++++++++++

Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered," The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded," The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." But the fourth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

++++++++++++++

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

++++++++++++++

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears? "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The son-of-a-bitch called back."

++++++++++++++

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

 

[BingoT]

Top ten reasons to become a nurse:
Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
Needles: "Tis better to give then receive"
Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually.
Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
Interesting aromas.
Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
Celebrate all the holidays with your friends- at work.
Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.


You know you're a nurse if...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.
You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.
When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.
Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.
You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.
You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."
You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.
You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.
Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.


3 Nurses and a Wish
A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery.

"I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!" With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly aurgued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need." With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next."I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me coccoa and doughnuts." With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.

The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."


Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
" She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
" Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
" How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says,
" I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed



A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."


Three nurses died & went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?" "I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children." "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So what did you do on Earth?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?" After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an H.M.O." St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also." "Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in." " Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? " Some asshole has my pen!"
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures? She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?
She's the one with dirty knees.
They found a naked dead body of a nurse washed up on the shore today.
How did they know it was a nurse?
She had an empty stomach, a full bladder, and her butt was chewed out.

 

[BingoT]

The Ranks of a Hospital

Surgeon:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more productive than a train
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Talks with God

Internist:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God if special request is approved

General Practitioner:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Nurse Practitioners
Can fire a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Is occasionally addressed by God

Resident:
Barely clears a picket fence
Loses tug-of-war with a train
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Swims well
Talks with animals

Intern:
Makes high skid marks on a wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a train
Is not issued ammunition
Dog paddles
Talks to walls

Medical Student:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes a train 2 out of 3 times
Wets himself with a water pistol
Cannot stay afloat without a life preserver
Mumbles to himself

Nurse:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks trains off the track
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
The Nurse IS God!!!!

 

[bingopokermania]

lol "The NURSE is God!!!!"

 

[BingoT]

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

~~~~~

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

 

[brucefinaldi]

Medical Jokes

A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, so its not like you're the first ..." This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "...but they probably weren't vets."

"

This one killed me! Ha ha ha!

 

[BingoT]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

 

[BingoT]

Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery



- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

 

[BingoT]

In the Emergency rooms around the World

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb... woman from Illinois was examined in a
hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit,
a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found
lodged between the folds of her vulva. eeewwwww.....

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with
lacerations to his thingy. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her
privates..."which bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have
drawn, I don't think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that
she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony
mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around
with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into
his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete
then hardened,
(no sh*t Sherlock!), causing constipation and pain. Under general
anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a
ping pong ball . (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)

BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of
severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they
would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to
help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined
him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He
had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!!!)

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State
emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands
around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually
explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic
dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral
sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic
fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's thingy and wrench it from
side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed
her in the head until she let go.

And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!! I'm still laughing!!!!
Friendship is like peeing your pants.......
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it's true warmth