Lighthearted News Thread

[steveh35]

In these troubling times of mystery viruses, potential wars and leaving the EU it can sometimes bring people down so let's have a lighthearted news thread, only stories to make you smile.

Starting with

35 year Egyptian man falls in love with Iris, 80 from Somerset

He is so good in bed he makes her saddle sore.

In fact they had to use a whole tube of KY jelly.

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[goatwack]

God bless those kinky passport games

 

[Buffalo Bill]

I love the tabloids, they just had to say how much her house was worth, not after any money though hahaha

 

[steveh35]

I love the tabloids, they just had to say how much her house was worth, not after any money though hahaha

It must be costing a small fortune in lube though on Tesco website it's £3 for a tube she better be worth it.

 

[Buffalo Bill]

Must be like a tunnel in the desert...

 

[dunover]

Don't tell me the ad was on Craigslist something like this:

"Virile arab gerontophile seeks solvent UK pensioner to make her walk like an Egyptian. Willing to travel and change nationality."

 

[FargoVIP]

Don't tell me the ad was on Craigslist something like this:

"Virile arab gerontophile seeks solvent UK pensioner to make her walk like an Egyptian. Willing to travel and change nationality."

lol

 

[steveh35]

32 year old Nicola is furious she is wants to punch someone in the face cos it's not normal.

She is so angry she has contacted Tesco what is she so angry about, she is angry because Tesco are selling Valentine's Cards for children.

She says a card which says Daddy loves you jelly tots is not normal and Valentine's Day is for adults only.

She thinks parents showing their affection with Valentine's Cards should be locked up.

She also wants Valentine's Day banning in primary schools.

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[steveh35]

Poor old Donald

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[Kroffe]

Why wont he just admit he did a shitty job putting on the orange-without-sun cream that morning.
Atleast hes not blaming the poor lightbulbs this time.

But to be fair, he probably knows more about photoshop than i do.
Its not only instagram-models making themselves thinner these days.
Tho he might be alone about increasing the size of his hands.

 

[Kroffe]

Enough about Trump tho.
There are more important news than him being or not being orange.
Such as this!

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[steveh35]

Enough about Trump tho.
There are more important news than him being or not being orange.
Such as this!

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View attachment 122894

I have had my balls in my mouth than that... but errm that's none of your business

 

[Kroffe]

I have had my balls in my mouth than that... but errm that's none of your business

Just how limber are you?

 

[steveh35]

A Doncaster woman claims cleaning the house for an hour gives her the same afterglow as an orgasm.

She claims she can be at it for 7 hours if she is having a deep clean.

Her husband claims he can make a move on her after she has cleaned as she is in the mood.

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So if your love life is in the gutter and needs a lift get your feather duster out and dip your mop,

 

[Kroffe]

Man, my house could show that woman a good time.

 

[steveh35]

84 year old Mary from Torquay has to wear a hard hat in her garden due to falling tree branches.

The newspaper handily provides a 4 second video of Mary's hard hat being blown off her head.

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[Kroffe]

I guess this is a mix of lighthearted and sad.

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[steveh35]

I guess this is a mix of lighthearted and sad.

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Most dog owners are barking mad to be honest, I have dated a few men who own dogs and now it's a no no if any potential man has a dog.

 

[Kroffe]

Most dog owners are barking mad to be honest, I have dated a few men who own dogs and now it's a no no if any potential owner has a dog.

So a man owning a dog is the equivalent of a woman owning a horse.
I never knew.
Im thinking about getting a dog, but that only supports your theory.

 

[steveh35]

So a man owning a dog is the equivalent of a woman owning a horse.
I never knew.
Im thinking about getting a dog, but that only supports your theory.

If you go out with a pet owner you will never be number one in their lives be warned.

 

[sufferinsilence]

If you go out with a pet owner you will never be number one in their lives be warned.

And rightfully so!

 

[pinnit2014]

And rightfully so!

Save human?

Save dog?

Dog eating treats later, bye bye human.

Really is no choice.

 

[Kroffe]

I would still get a bit angry if a future wife of mine runs in to a house on fire to save mcsnuggles the hamster instead of me.
I would crawl to safety with my broken legs and when i recovered i would move to Peru and spend the rest of my life eating guinea pigs for breakfast,lunch&dinner.
Stupid future imaginary wife.

 

[paul7388]

I would still get a bit angry if a future wife of mine runs in to a house on fire to save mcsnuggles the hamster instead of me.
I would crawl to safety with my broken legs and when i recovered i would move to Peru and spend the rest of my life eating guinea pigs for breakfast,lunch&dinner.
Stupid future imaginary wife.

Well doesn't have to just be future wives.

To be honest i would save poor mgsnuggles as well and leave you to your own devices.

And since when were you Paddington Bear wanting to move to Peru.

 

[Kroffe]

Well doesn't have to just be future wives.

To be honest i would save poor mgsnuggles as well and leave you to your own devices.

And since when were you Paddington Bear wanting to move to Peru.

But when i imagine a future wife, its not you Paul.
I dont know any other places than Peru where they eat Guinea pigs.

 

[paul7388]

But when i imagine a future wife, its not you Paul.
I dont know any other places than Peru where they eat Guinea pigs.

Now i am feeling Hungry.

And my hamsters ran and hid in a corner

 

[Kroffe]

Now i am feeling Hungry.

View attachment 123609View attachment 123610

And my hamsters ran and hid in a corner

Ive actually never tasted "small game" or whatever it is called.
Squirrels,hamsters,etc.

Im not about to fire up the grill to find out what it tastes like, but i got to admit, im a bit curious.

 

[dionysus]

If you go out with a pet owner you will never be number one in their lives be warned.

truth
my puppers live here; everyone else is a guest

 

[Kroffe]

List of people not to marry.
-----------------------------
- Paul
- Dio
- Sufferinsilence
- Pinnit

Now i just got to find out where Halle Berry stands in this question.

 

[steveh35]

Doncaster baker makes lifesize cake of Karl Legerfeld

I am not sure if that is hair on his head or if he is wearing a rainhood.

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[Kroffe]

This is that "hyper realism" i keep hearing about eh.
You cant even tell wich one is the baker.
Stunning.

 

[steveh35]

This is that "hyper realism" i keep hearing about eh.
You cant even tell wich one is the baker.
Stunning.

They both have weird hair and blank expressions

 

[Kroffe]

"Do you love the distinctive smell of McDonald’s so much you would actually want the scent of one of its burgers wafting in your home?

Well, the fast food giant has a product just for you."

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[steveh35]

We had the dog story yesterday so today for balance here is a werewolf cat

I believe he might have just had a 6 scatter trigger on Bonanza which paid less than 10x

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[Kroffe]

This thread is quickly making its way up the "best threads" list.

 

[Kroffe]

"The research showed that with a human staring at them, herring gulls took 21 seconds longer to approach a bag of chips then when left apparently unobserved. "

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[steveh35]

...

 

[steveh35]

Lovely to see Quaden Bayles smiling as he leads out an all star rugby team in Australia.

Show those bullies Quaden

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[steveh35]

35 year old woman starts naked cleaning company.

Claire O'Connor from Kent has caused uproar in Walderslade by charging various fees to clean in states of undress, she found this inspiration from another woman doing a similar job in Plymouth.

She charges £75 for lingerie, £85 for topless and £95 per hour for the full monty.

“I'm quite outgoing, I'm not a shy kind of person. It might be kind of awkward the first few times, but the more you get to know the client, the more it will subside.

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[Kroffe]

35 year old woman starts naked cleaning company.

Claire O'Connor from Kent has caused uproar in Walderslade, Kent by charging various fees to clean in states of undress, she found this inspiration from another woman doing a similar job in Plymouth.

She charges £75 for lingerie, £85 for topless and £95 per hour for the full monty.

“I'm quite outgoing, I'm not a shy kind of person. It might be kind of awkward the first few times, but the more you get to know the client, the more it will subside.

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Hmm, i think i know a woman that would be perfect for the job.
Or more like, the job would be perfect for her.

 

[pinnit2014]

List of people not to marry.
-----------------------------
- Paul
- Dio
- Sufferinsilence
- Pinnit

Now i just got to find out where Halle Berry stands in this question.

Just seen; that’s very hurtful

That would be some 5 some( you included)

Fairly left/liberal leaning: Will tell Playford that, where we lack in looks, we make up for it in kink.

 

[Kroffe]

Just seen; that’s very hurtful

That would be some 5 some( you included)

Fairly left/liberal leaning: Will tell Playford that, where we lack in looks, we make up for it in kink.

No amount of kink can make up for saving hamsters instead of me.

 

[pinnit2014]

No amount of kink can make up for saving hamsters instead of me.

If it's any consolation it's the same choice that most would make.

 

[Kroffe]

If it's any consolation it's the same choice that most would make.

Well yeah, i mainly made the list so i wouldnt forget, i know its common sense.

 

[dionysus]

Ya, I'm good not being considered for the kinky polygamy list.
If I were vanilla ice cream, it would be with the vanilla flavour extracted

 

[goatwack]

Hmm, if I were to be an ice cream it'd have to pistachio flavour, being of Persh heritage

No idea why we even like pistachios so, I think we're genetically predisposed. It's an ok flavour but not God's gift

 

[dionysus]

Hmm, if I were to be an ice cream it'd have to pistachio flavour, being of Persh heritage

No idea why we even like pistachios so, I think we're genetically predisposed. It's an ok flavour but not God's gift

could be worse I suppose, while maple flavoured has its merits, id imagine poutine flave would be kinda nasty

 

[goatwack]

could be worse I suppose, while maple flavoured has its merits, id imagine putine flave would be kinda nasty

They have Russian flavours now??

 

[dionysus]

lol, typo fixed
but probably, its doused in vodka and set on fire
ya gotta eat it pretty fast

 

[paul7388]

How did we go from rescuing poor innocent hamsters and letting stoopid bears perish to ice cream flavours.