Jokes About Money


Nurses love to give shots
Dec 16, 2004
Palm Bay Florida
Jokes About Money

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?” To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

Money Jokes

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person.

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks – but half the pages are missing. What’s the matter? Isn’t half a million enough for you?

Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.

Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.

Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She d read there was going to be some change in the weather.

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. “You should give that money to charity,” said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, “No, I ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity.”

What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? There was money in the kitty.

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat ? To see if there was any more money in the kitty !

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency? A: Question marks.

Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

Q:Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A:( He wanted cold hard cash! )

Money Jokes One Liners

How can a can you double your money? By folding it in half.

What happened when Dumbo went to a mindrreader? They gave him his money back.

The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That’s what I m afraid of!

Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well, here’s the elastic band.

A little monster was learning to play the violin, I m good, aren’t I? he asked his big brother. You should be on the radio, said his brother. You think I m that good? No, I think you

Why did your sister feed money to her cow ? Because she wanted to get rich milk.

Ted said to his friend, can you lend me $10? But I only have $8, his friend replied. That’s OK, you can always owe me the other $2!

If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have ? Someone else’s coat.

My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn’t know how rich he was.

Why shouldn’t you carry two half dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a whole (hole), and you could lose your money.

What is the quickest way to double your money ? Fold it in half !

How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money’s tight these days!

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you ? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money !

Funny Money Jokes

Five dollars for one question! said the girl to the fortune-teller. That’s very expensive,isn’t it ? Next!

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. “I m not paying,” said the duck. “I’ve only got one bill and I m not breaking it.” “I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer. “Then the duck ll have to pay,” said the skunk. “Getting here cost me my last scent.”

Dad, would you like to save some money? I certainly would, son. Any suggestions? Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won’t wear my shoes out so fast.

I hate paying my income tax. You should be a good citizen – why don’t you pay with a smile? I d like to but they insist on money

A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live. Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order. “Oh yes, I’ve done that,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve only got to make a will. And do you know what I m going to do with all my money? I m going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life.”

Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.

At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars. One of the chamber members stood up and said, “I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.”

Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, “Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?” “Whada ya win?” “A million dollars!” said the redneck. “You get a dollar a year for a million years.” “How much are they each?” “Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!”

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.”

Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table! The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again. The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out, I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!

Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. “Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.” “What’s the problem?” “When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here.”

Short Money Jokes

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they d do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. Alec ! yelled the teacher, you’ve done nothing. Why? Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do !

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. I’ve lost five cents, sobbed Johnny. Don’t worry, said his dad kindly. Here’s five more for you, At this Johnny howled louder than ever. Now what is it ?

William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ? Mum: What crying man ? William: The one that’s crying, Ice cream! Ice Cream !

Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. You should give that money to charity, said the shopkeeper. No, I ll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!

Visitor: You re very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.

I can’t find my dollar bill, Jane sobbed. Don’t worry, her Counselor said. A dollar doesn’t go very far today.

One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. What are you doing? she asked. I m looking for my dollar bill, Max replied. I lost it down the road. Why don’t you look for it there?

Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, Is Washington’s picture still on the dollar bill? His Father wrote back, Of course it is. Why do you ask? Martin answered, Because it’s been so long since I’ve seen one!

Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you? Mary: I d pay whatever it charged.

Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich ? Because the poor didn’t have any !

How did the man feel when he got a big bill from the electric company? He was shocked.

If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).

If you want to get rich, why should you keep your mouth shut? Because silence is golden.

What did the man do when he got a big gas bill? He exploded.

Where can you always find money? In the dictionary.

How can you double your money? Look at it in a mirror.

What kind of money do monsters use? Weirdo (weird dough).

Why are diapers like $10 bills? Because you have to change them.

Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.

Why isn’t a dime worth as much today as it used to be? Because the dimes (times) have changed.

Tight with Money Jokes

Why did the man throw away all the new pennies he had? Because they were a nuisance (new cents).

How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.

When does a female deer need money? When she doesn’t have a buck.

Why is a cat like a penny? Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.

How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.

Where do Eskimos keep their money? In snowbanks.

Where do hogs keep their money? In piggy banks.

Where do trees keep their money? In branch banks.

Why did the hippie put his money in the refrigerator? He liked cold cash.

Why do wallets make so much noise? Because money talks.

How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

If you take half from a half dollar, what do you have? A dollar.

What lands as often on its tail as it does its head? A penny.

Which is better, an old ten dollar bill or a new one? An old ten dollar bill is better than a new one.

How did rich people get their money? They were calm and collected.

If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

Who makes a million dollars a day? Someone who works in a mint.

Why was the skunk arrested for counterfeiting? Because he gave out bad scents (cents).

If George Washington were alive today, why couldn’t he throw a silver dollar across the Potomac? Because a dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

What dog has money? A bloodhound, because he is always picking up scents (cents).

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