A good friend of mine added a fake profile to a dating site a few years ago to garner reactions and this was the result
Profile : Slack Nickers
My name is Charlene but everyone calls me Charlie, I’m 27 years old, a single mum of 13 boys and 1 girl, but don’t let that put you off as the oldest two wont be livin with me for anuver three years - unless they get out of the young offenders for good behaviour, which ain’t gonna happen as they’re bleedin little thugs - the others who’s fathers we were lucky enough to trace spend alternate weekends away so often I’m stuck home bored with Wane, Shane, Dwayne & Jane; who are good kids despite what the local papers say (honestly they really didn’t deserve that second ASBO) an’ dun go listenin to that Mrs Jones at number 20 coz I paid her back for the bloody greenhouse out of my disability benefit…
I spend my weekends cleaning out the dog pens in the back yard, they are a feisty bunch but I always think its good to bring kids up with pets… while the kids shovel the sh!t I take the 3 German Sheppards, two Staffies and my lovely Rosie the Pit-Bull to the back of the golf club, the dogs are really good at finding golf balls which Shane sells back to the golfers at the club! Sadly I can’t let Rosie off the choke chain and muzzle ever again since the ‘incident’ with the police inspector and the vicar. But at least the charges were dropped and thye didn't discover the pregnant pitbull bitches!
We’s recently moved to the area after our last place got burned down; it dun matter how many times you tell them kids not to smoke in bed but do they ever listen? Which is a shame as the kids were just settling into rehab and their new schools really well, this is the third move in three years now, so we would really like to look for something more permanent as Jane is 6 months pregnant she’s already missed a lot of her GCSE work and I really wan’er to buckle down as she’s the only one who can read and i would be so proud of her if she got a job on the checkout in Asda when she leaves school. She's so bright an would be the first one in the family for 3 generations to get a job.
So now we’re settling down it would be nice to meet a fella who’s in tune with kids and can tune a car! Someone that could take them ‘dogging’ and ‘skip raiding’ as with my disability I’m just not up to it anymore. I would like to meet a man that could provide for these lovely boys, as I do feel they need a father figure in their life an’ don’ we all wish we had someone to pass us a fag after a shag! I’ll be upfront, I’m still married… but don’t let that put you off as Danny has told me to get on with my life seeing as he’s now banged up for 25 years for armed robbery, which is very harsh considering he didn’t actually kill no-one… and that security guard was back at work within 3 months…
My friends might call be bitter, but with a few triple gins in me I’m as friendly as the next slag… and I have plenty to cuddle with my 46HH breast to snuggle up too. But if you reply please don’t expect an answer straight away as I have to wait for my mate who comes over for her 8-ball once a week to read my letters for me b'coz of my dyslexia an all... She’s a real star helping me out, she’s dead cleaver as she got an English O'Level.
Since my benefits were cut by the soddin fraud department I don’ have much to spend on myself after fags an’ bingo these days an’ my current ASBO makes going out slightly awkward however the electronic tag will be lifted in 3 months when my probation runs out. To me Holloway was a positive experience and taught me a lot about myself and I was very chuffed when I received a nomination for best biatch fight of the year by my fellow inmates (a very coveted title).
However I can still party like the best of them and love a wild night in watching Jeremy Kyle (he’s such a hunk), I can always use the kids food welfare vouchers on a bottle of scotch at my local shop… if you bring the pizza.