Look, in case you people don't know the rules of modern-day TV, both comedy and especially dramas and crime dramas I have a copy. These apply to independent production companies and the main TV channels themselves, the BBC especially:
1. Recruit your staff using only adverts in the Guardian.
2. Check their diversity credentials thoroughly, i.e. they weren't heard or witnessed back in 1993 when at university to have used an expression like 'Play the white man'.
3. Always make any villains part of some mythical 'far right' group.
4. Refer to the above (3) only verbally, if it's necessary to actually feature them amongst the characters they must be wife-beaters, paedophiles or mentally ill.
5. Two of the characters must be in a same-sex relationship.
6. At least one male black character must be in a relationship with the most attractive white female character.
7. Misogynists must always be white.
8. Always make at least one or two of the top-level characters BME, this must apply to both Police rank in crime dramas or successful businessmen or professionals.
9. All Asian characters must be demonstrably free to pursue a relationship with a character of a different religion or race i.e. fully integrated into western society without any traditional prejudices associated with their group.
10. In cases where workplace disputes are featured i.e. crime dramas where one side thinks the murders are linked and there's a serial killer and the other thinks they are unconnected or copycat crimes, ensure the correct theory is proffered by the BME actor or character.
11. In the case of legal dramas, see (10) and ensure the BME barrister wins the case.
12. When basing dramas or programmes in locations where it may be unreasonable to expect any significant BME presence, i.e. rural or remote settings, try to ensure (5) and (6) above overlap, i.e. consider having a single character that is both gay and BME.
13. In relation to (12) an alternative is to write into the script the necessity for 'outside help or staff' which can naturally be drawn in from an urban area.
14. Wherever possible, for example the 'whodunnit' crime series, ensure the rapist, murderer or child killer is white, male and middle class.
15. If using library videos for news items on for example education, if the underlying story is of failure or low achievement, use a clip featuring a class of white children and the reverse if a positive story.
16. Please ensure all EU migrants are shown to be in professional jobs.
17. Make every effort to write into scripts, or using strong inference at least, a positive view of the EU.
18. Any illegals must be portrayed as victims in some way, not involved in crime.
These rules are sacrosanct and all boxes must be ticked. We would not like to see anyone's career ended for breaching them, or production contracts terminated.
If at any stage you are approached by, engaged in conversation by or offered work by anyone you even suspect of placing storyline credibility over box-ticking it is your duty to report them. There is a free help line number at the bottom of the page.
Thank-you for your cooperation.
