weesie
Ueber Meister
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2010
- Location
- Old bag lady with a laptop
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Petroleum Jelly
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One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
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(This one is kind of long, but still funny)
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Seniors on Mopeds
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An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!’
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror; it seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor....Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
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Sarcastic Comment of the Day:
"I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before."
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Thought of the Day:
“It is of practical value to learn to like yourself.
Since you must spend so much time with yourself
you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.”
~ Norman Vincent Peale
(1898-1993)
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It's Monday.............
Petroleum Jelly
-------------------------
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
(This one is kind of long, but still funny)
-----------------------------------
Seniors on Mopeds
-----------------------------------
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!’
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror; it seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor....Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sarcastic Comment of the Day:
"I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before."
----------------------------------------------------
Thought of the Day:
“It is of practical value to learn to like yourself.
Since you must spend so much time with yourself
you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship.”
~ Norman Vincent Peale
(1898-1993)
-----------------------------
It's Monday.............
