Old Lady Jokes

[BingoT]

Teased Old Lady


Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

 

[LaurieJim]

Teased Old Lady


Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs "Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

:lolsign::clap: great one tom!!!

 

[BingoT]

#2
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front
door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles
the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the
counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales
clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes
we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss
ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
" Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"

 

[BingoT]

Old Lady Makes Bet
A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.

They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."

The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."

The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"

"Sure," says the president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.

The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.

"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"

 

[BingoT]

Old Lady

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
The old lady says "Well tell me about them."

The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."

The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a mustache."