manfreid88
Newbie member
- Joined
- May 21, 2013
- Location
- Seychelles
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
Orient ID
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".
"Doesn't matter", the tourist answers.
Pilots today
Tower: "Say fuelstate."
Pilot: "fuelstate."
Tower: "Say again."
Pilot: "again."
Tower: "Arghl, give me your fuel!"
Pilot: "Sorry, need it by myself..."
Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
"What's the purpose of the propeller?"
"To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!"
Pilot: (...) Tower, call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger, you are a fuel truck.
A true salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before? "Yes", I
was a salesman in the country", said the lad. The boss liked the cut
of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up".
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock
came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did
you make today?". "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted
the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale worth??. "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty
four dollars" said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small
fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I
sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I
asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I
said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin
engines.
Then he said his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I
took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land
Cruiser"
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all
that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman. He came in to buy a box of Tampons for
his wife and I said to him, "Sounds like the weekend's a loss, you may
as well go fishing".
)
God brings Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates into his office and says
"Men, I've decided to bring the world to an end this Thursday -- I want
you to go back and tell your people."
Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of
America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all
these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right
-- there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the world on
Thursday."
Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and says "Brave
comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that
we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other
bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday."
Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and
more good news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God
called a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important
in the world and I was one of them. The other good news that that OS/2
stops shipping Thursday.
Wife
Winter in Bonn. Kohl is walking through the snow-covered garden of the
chancellor-office. Suddenly he sees that somebody has peed the word
"Birne" into the snow. (Birne=pear is Kohl's mockery name in Germany).
Kohl is very angry of course. He gives the order to the BKA (Germany's
FBI) to find out who did it. Days, weeks and months are passing and
nothing happens. Then Kohl phones to the BKA to ask what is going on.
The officer there answers:"Well, we do have some problems. The result
of the examination of the urine was that Klaus Kinkel did it. But the
graphologists found out that the hand writing was without any doubt
from your wife.
St. Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. "No Sister, he laughs, this says 'Sahara Pipeline, laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
Orient ID
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'".
"Doesn't matter", the tourist answers.
Pilots today
Tower: "Say fuelstate."
Pilot: "fuelstate."
Tower: "Say again."
Pilot: "again."
Tower: "Arghl, give me your fuel!"
Pilot: "Sorry, need it by myself..."
Pilot: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Pilot: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
"What's the purpose of the propeller?"
"To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!"
Pilot: (...) Tower, call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger, you are a fuel truck.
A true salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before? "Yes", I
was a salesman in the country", said the lad. The boss liked the cut
of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up".
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock
came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did
you make today?". "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted
the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was
the sale worth??. "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty
four dollars" said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small
fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I
sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I
asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I
said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin
engines.
Then he said his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I
took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land
Cruiser"
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all
that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman. He came in to buy a box of Tampons for
his wife and I said to him, "Sounds like the weekend's a loss, you may
as well go fishing".
)God brings Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates into his office and says
"Men, I've decided to bring the world to an end this Thursday -- I want
you to go back and tell your people."
Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of
America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all
these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right
-- there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the world on
Thursday."
Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and says "Brave
comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that
we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other
bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday."
Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and
more good news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God
called a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important
in the world and I was one of them. The other good news that that OS/2
stops shipping Thursday.
Wife
Winter in Bonn. Kohl is walking through the snow-covered garden of the
chancellor-office. Suddenly he sees that somebody has peed the word
"Birne" into the snow. (Birne=pear is Kohl's mockery name in Germany).
Kohl is very angry of course. He gives the order to the BKA (Germany's
FBI) to find out who did it. Days, weeks and months are passing and
nothing happens. Then Kohl phones to the BKA to ask what is going on.
The officer there answers:"Well, we do have some problems. The result
of the examination of the urine was that Klaus Kinkel did it. But the
graphologists found out that the hand writing was without any doubt
from your wife.
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