- Joined
- Dec 16, 2004
- Location
- Palm Bay Florida
Hungarian jokes
1. The American, Russian, and Romanian presidents travel on a plane together.
-"We are probably over America" says the American
-"How do you know?" the others ask.
-"Because I can see a few skyscrapers in the distance" he replied.
-"We must be flying over Russia" says the Russian an hour later.
-"How do you know that?" the others ask.
-"Because my fingers are freezing" replies the Russian.
Then, the Romanian says:
-"We are obviously flying over Romania."
-"How would you know?" the others ask.
-"Because my gold watch has been stolen".
2. Maurice is in school, and the teacher asks him a question.
-"All right my boy, name all of the friendly countries in Europe."
-"Poland, Cechoslovakia, GDR, Romania and Bulgaria.
-"Not bad, but you've missed the most important one: the Soviet Union."
-"With all due respect, Soviet Union is not a friendly country. It's a sister country."
-"Why would that be?"
-"Because one can choose his friends, but not his sisters."
3. A Hungarian attends a speech by Ceausescu. He asks a man sitting in front of him:
-Please sir. Can you take off your hat? I can't see him.
-No problem.
-Sir, can you please shift aside? Your shoulder is blocking my view.
-All right.
When the Hungarian asks him for the third time, the other retorts:
-Do you want me to give you a binocular?
-No thank you. That's already on my rifle.
(in Hungarian, binocular and monocular are the same word.)
4. A hard-core communists stops a man on the street and asks:
-Would you be happy if Ceausescu had died?
-Of course.
-Would you come to his funeral to clap?
-Naturally.
-Would you take a piss on his grave?
-No, never.
-Why?
-Because, I hate standing in a line.
5. A peasant goes to the Pairlament. When he arrives, he leans his bicycle against the brick wall. The security guard asks:
-Do you seriously think, that you can just leave your bike here, when this building is occupied by the highest ministers of the country? This place is for politicians.
-Politicians?! You're right, I should chain my bike to that lamp-post.
6. The Triannon treaty is taking place. Suddenly, the Hungarian delegate interrupts the meeting and claims:
-"I'd like to let you know, that on the day when we arrived to the Carpathian basin, the Romanians stole our horses that very night."
Confused, the main negotiator asks:
-"Would the Hungarian speaker like his remarks to be recorded in the log?"
-"No thank you. It's not neccessary".
Minutes later, the Hungarian speaks up again:
-"I'd like to say, that on the day we arrived to the Carpathian basin, the Romanians stole our horses"
Confused, the main negotiator asks:
-"Would you like this to be recorded in the log?"
-"No thank you. It's not important."
The Hungarian speaks up one more time. The Romanian delegate, very angry, shouts:
-"You're lying. We weren't here back then."
The Hungarian replies:
-"Now make sure to put THAT on record."
7. At the Serbian border, the Serbian border guard in the toll booth has had a good day, and says to a Hungarian tourist:
-"I had a fantastic day. I'll let you take anything you want".
-"Really? I'd like to take the border crossing sign, all the way to Novi Sad."
If you're still with me, here's a 9/11 joke. It's not so funny, but we make fun of everything. It ridicules the post-9/11, American stereotype.
8. A guy walks in the Central Park, and sees a dog attacking a toddler. The guy runs toward the dog, grabs the leash and restrains the dog, until the dog has suffocated. The bystanders regard him as a hero, and the journalist cooks up a headline:
-"A New Yorker hero has saved a baby from a vicous dog"
-"Wait. I don't live in New York."
-"OK. An American hero has saved a baby from a vicous dog."
-"Neither am I American."
-"Well, where are you from?"
-"I'm from Pakistan."
Next day's headline:
-"Islamic fundamentalists have brutally tortured a dog to death. The FBI is searching for the possible Al-Queda operatives who were probably involved in the attack."
Well, what you guys think? These jokes are very popular among us (they're not mine). I wonder what was your reaction. Of course, we might have a differing sense of humor.
@@@@@@@@@@@@
1. Maurice (who's Jewish) goes to school. The teacher announces:
-"I will give 2 bucks to someone who can name me the greatest and most achieving person in the world."
-"Leonardo da Vinci" says one kid.
-"Good, but I did not think of him" replies the teacher.
-"Perhaps Einstein?" asks the other
-"He is good but there is someone who was better" the teacher replies. While Maurice says:
-"Jesus Christ"
-"Bravo Maurice. Here is the 2 dollars, but I would have thought that being Jewish, you would have named Moses."
-"Of course. Moses is Moses, but business is business."
2. Brezhnev, Kadar and Ceausescu arrive in hell. God sits on a throne and asks Brezhnev:
-"Do you know who I am?"
-"Yes" Brezhnev replies.
-"Than, come and sit on my right side".
Now god asks Kadar:
-"Do you know who am I?"
-"Unfortunately, I do."
-"Than come and sit on my left side."
Finally god asks Ceausescu:
-"Do you know me?"
-"Indeed I do, but why are you sitting in my place?"
3. Bush, Gorbachev, Ceausescu, and the Pope are travelling on a private jet. All the sudden, the plane catches fire and starts to plummet. The pilot says:
-"I have bad news gentlemen. There are five of us, but only four parachutes."
-"I'm the leader of democracy, so I deserve a parachute." says Bush. He puts one on and jumps.
-"I'm the leader of the working class, so I deserve a parachute as well." says Gorbachev. He gets one and jumps.
-"I'm the brains of the world, so I just as well deserve one." says Ceausescu. He jumps.
The Pope says "go on my son. Take a parachute and jump. My soul is prepared."
-"Don't worry father. We still have two parachutes. The 'brains of the world' jumped out with my backpack."
4. Maurice's parents are having sex, while Maurice is watching through the keyhole. Than Maurice asks:
-"Dad, what are you doing?"
-"I'm putting the car into the garage" replies his father.
-"Well watch out, because the two wheels in the back are sticking out."
5. Maurice is bringing home an excellent report card, so his dad disbelieving asks him:
-"Is this yours? Your report card looks too good to be true."
-"Of course it's mine dad. There are only two Jews in the class and one of them is crucified on top of the door. There is no competition for me."
6. Two guys go into a pub, and one of them says to the other:
-"My mother-in-law is like an easter egg."
-"Why?"
-"Lots of make-up, and sooner or later, I'll break her."
7. In a philosophy class the professor demonstrates a point with examples. He asks:
-"Did anyone see god?"
-[silence]
-"Did anyone hear god?"
-[silence]
-"Did anyone touch god?"
-[silence]
-"Because nobody has seen, heard, touched, felt or otherwised observed god, we can conclude with the logic stated on page 40, that god doesn't exist."
All the sudden, a student speaks up to her classmates:
-"Can anyone see the professor's brains?"
-"Can anyone hear his brains?"
-"Can anyone touch his brains?"
-[silence]
-"Than by the logic on page 40, it is obvious the professor's brains are missing."
8. A Hungarian from Transylvania is dying. His last wish is to learn Aramaic.
-"Why?" asks the priest.
-"So when I get to heaven, I can talk to Jesus Christ." replies the man.
-"Why are you so certain, you'll get to heaven? What happens if you will go to hell?"
-"That's not a problem. I already speak Romanian."
1. The American, Russian, and Romanian presidents travel on a plane together.
-"We are probably over America" says the American
-"How do you know?" the others ask.
-"Because I can see a few skyscrapers in the distance" he replied.
-"We must be flying over Russia" says the Russian an hour later.
-"How do you know that?" the others ask.
-"Because my fingers are freezing" replies the Russian.
Then, the Romanian says:
-"We are obviously flying over Romania."
-"How would you know?" the others ask.
-"Because my gold watch has been stolen".
2. Maurice is in school, and the teacher asks him a question.
-"All right my boy, name all of the friendly countries in Europe."
-"Poland, Cechoslovakia, GDR, Romania and Bulgaria.
-"Not bad, but you've missed the most important one: the Soviet Union."
-"With all due respect, Soviet Union is not a friendly country. It's a sister country."
-"Why would that be?"
-"Because one can choose his friends, but not his sisters."
3. A Hungarian attends a speech by Ceausescu. He asks a man sitting in front of him:
-Please sir. Can you take off your hat? I can't see him.
-No problem.
-Sir, can you please shift aside? Your shoulder is blocking my view.
-All right.
When the Hungarian asks him for the third time, the other retorts:
-Do you want me to give you a binocular?
-No thank you. That's already on my rifle.
(in Hungarian, binocular and monocular are the same word.)
4. A hard-core communists stops a man on the street and asks:
-Would you be happy if Ceausescu had died?
-Of course.
-Would you come to his funeral to clap?
-Naturally.
-Would you take a piss on his grave?
-No, never.
-Why?
-Because, I hate standing in a line.
5. A peasant goes to the Pairlament. When he arrives, he leans his bicycle against the brick wall. The security guard asks:
-Do you seriously think, that you can just leave your bike here, when this building is occupied by the highest ministers of the country? This place is for politicians.
-Politicians?! You're right, I should chain my bike to that lamp-post.
6. The Triannon treaty is taking place. Suddenly, the Hungarian delegate interrupts the meeting and claims:
-"I'd like to let you know, that on the day when we arrived to the Carpathian basin, the Romanians stole our horses that very night."
Confused, the main negotiator asks:
-"Would the Hungarian speaker like his remarks to be recorded in the log?"
-"No thank you. It's not neccessary".
Minutes later, the Hungarian speaks up again:
-"I'd like to say, that on the day we arrived to the Carpathian basin, the Romanians stole our horses"
Confused, the main negotiator asks:
-"Would you like this to be recorded in the log?"
-"No thank you. It's not important."
The Hungarian speaks up one more time. The Romanian delegate, very angry, shouts:
-"You're lying. We weren't here back then."
The Hungarian replies:
-"Now make sure to put THAT on record."
7. At the Serbian border, the Serbian border guard in the toll booth has had a good day, and says to a Hungarian tourist:
-"I had a fantastic day. I'll let you take anything you want".
-"Really? I'd like to take the border crossing sign, all the way to Novi Sad."
If you're still with me, here's a 9/11 joke. It's not so funny, but we make fun of everything. It ridicules the post-9/11, American stereotype.
8. A guy walks in the Central Park, and sees a dog attacking a toddler. The guy runs toward the dog, grabs the leash and restrains the dog, until the dog has suffocated. The bystanders regard him as a hero, and the journalist cooks up a headline:
-"A New Yorker hero has saved a baby from a vicous dog"
-"Wait. I don't live in New York."
-"OK. An American hero has saved a baby from a vicous dog."
-"Neither am I American."
-"Well, where are you from?"
-"I'm from Pakistan."
Next day's headline:
-"Islamic fundamentalists have brutally tortured a dog to death. The FBI is searching for the possible Al-Queda operatives who were probably involved in the attack."
Well, what you guys think? These jokes are very popular among us (they're not mine). I wonder what was your reaction. Of course, we might have a differing sense of humor.
@@@@@@@@@@@@
1. Maurice (who's Jewish) goes to school. The teacher announces:
-"I will give 2 bucks to someone who can name me the greatest and most achieving person in the world."
-"Leonardo da Vinci" says one kid.
-"Good, but I did not think of him" replies the teacher.
-"Perhaps Einstein?" asks the other
-"He is good but there is someone who was better" the teacher replies. While Maurice says:
-"Jesus Christ"
-"Bravo Maurice. Here is the 2 dollars, but I would have thought that being Jewish, you would have named Moses."
-"Of course. Moses is Moses, but business is business."
2. Brezhnev, Kadar and Ceausescu arrive in hell. God sits on a throne and asks Brezhnev:
-"Do you know who I am?"
-"Yes" Brezhnev replies.
-"Than, come and sit on my right side".
Now god asks Kadar:
-"Do you know who am I?"
-"Unfortunately, I do."
-"Than come and sit on my left side."
Finally god asks Ceausescu:
-"Do you know me?"
-"Indeed I do, but why are you sitting in my place?"
3. Bush, Gorbachev, Ceausescu, and the Pope are travelling on a private jet. All the sudden, the plane catches fire and starts to plummet. The pilot says:
-"I have bad news gentlemen. There are five of us, but only four parachutes."
-"I'm the leader of democracy, so I deserve a parachute." says Bush. He puts one on and jumps.
-"I'm the leader of the working class, so I deserve a parachute as well." says Gorbachev. He gets one and jumps.
-"I'm the brains of the world, so I just as well deserve one." says Ceausescu. He jumps.
The Pope says "go on my son. Take a parachute and jump. My soul is prepared."
-"Don't worry father. We still have two parachutes. The 'brains of the world' jumped out with my backpack."
4. Maurice's parents are having sex, while Maurice is watching through the keyhole. Than Maurice asks:
-"Dad, what are you doing?"
-"I'm putting the car into the garage" replies his father.
-"Well watch out, because the two wheels in the back are sticking out."
5. Maurice is bringing home an excellent report card, so his dad disbelieving asks him:
-"Is this yours? Your report card looks too good to be true."
-"Of course it's mine dad. There are only two Jews in the class and one of them is crucified on top of the door. There is no competition for me."
6. Two guys go into a pub, and one of them says to the other:
-"My mother-in-law is like an easter egg."
-"Why?"
-"Lots of make-up, and sooner or later, I'll break her."
7. In a philosophy class the professor demonstrates a point with examples. He asks:
-"Did anyone see god?"
-[silence]
-"Did anyone hear god?"
-[silence]
-"Did anyone touch god?"
-[silence]
-"Because nobody has seen, heard, touched, felt or otherwised observed god, we can conclude with the logic stated on page 40, that god doesn't exist."
All the sudden, a student speaks up to her classmates:
-"Can anyone see the professor's brains?"
-"Can anyone hear his brains?"
-"Can anyone touch his brains?"
-[silence]
-"Than by the logic on page 40, it is obvious the professor's brains are missing."
8. A Hungarian from Transylvania is dying. His last wish is to learn Aramaic.
-"Why?" asks the priest.
-"So when I get to heaven, I can talk to Jesus Christ." replies the man.
-"Why are you so certain, you'll get to heaven? What happens if you will go to hell?"
-"That's not a problem. I already speak Romanian."
