Christmas jokes

[dionysus]

I didn't find a current thread in jokes or attic so let's add some humour to the holidays. I'll start us off .

Three men die on Christmas Eve (don't be sad..it was in the throes of passion...they'd have wanted to go that way).

They all find themselves at the pearly gates nekkid waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy" to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell they go.

The first man frantically thinks then remembers around his neck is a wreath of some mistletoe from getting frisky with the missus, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in. (it's best not to ask where he had it stashed).

The third man begins to panic...then slowly unfurls his fist where he has a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do THESE represent Christmas?"

The man shrugged and responded, "They're Carol's."

 

[dionysus]

 

[dionysus]

 

[dionysus]

Holidays night out

After having a few too many at the bar this week, and feeling the wobbly pop, I knew I was over the limit, so I did something I'd never done after the bar: I took a taxi home.
The ride was quick and uneventful. Even after passing a road block and a RIDE check, the taxi was waved through and I arrived home safe and sound and crawled into bed to sleep it off.

This was actually a bit of a surprise considering I'd never driven a taxi before and have no idea where I got it

 

[weesie]

 

[dionysus]

 

[dionysus]

This guy goes into his dentist's office complaining of incredible pain. It seems the plate that was put in to take over for the roof of his mouth was causing him tremendous agony.

"My god," the dentist said. "It looks like there's some corrosion here. Something ate right through the plate I put in. Have you been eating anything different lately?"

"Well," the guy said. "There is one thing. Eggs Benedict. I'd never had it until about six weeks ago when my wife made it. Now I can't get enough of stuff. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner it's eggs Benedict."

"Well that's the problem," the dentist says. "Eggs Benedict has hollandaise sauce in it and that's got lemon juice. I'm going to have to replace this plate."

"Doc, I don't know if I can give up eggs Benedict; it's just so good!"

"I'll use chrome for the replacement," the dentist said. "You shouldn't have any more problems."

"Are you sure?" the man asked.

"Absolutely," the dentist said "You see.....

There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise....

 

[Callvin]

Q: Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer?
A: Spruce Springsteen