X-Mas Jokes (you knew they'd be coming)

[BETAT]

Three men happened to pass on Christmas Eve (they died in their loved ones arms in bed, it wasn't so tragic). They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first pats down the shirt he was still wearing in bed and finds some mistletoe he had pinned to his pocket so he is allowed in. The second man pats down the jeans he was wearing and presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man was stark naked but thankfully remembers he still had something in hand and opens his palm to present a pair of crumpled-up knickers. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘And um, how exactly do these represent Christmas?’

The man answers ‘They’re Carol’s.’

 

[Azzurri]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow at xmas?





You look for the 'Fresh Prints'.

Boom boom.

 

[BETAT]

A little history into one of Christmas' popular traditions.

It was a particularly cold and snowy evening out at the North Pole when Santa suddenly decided an evergreen would really add some jazz and colour to the workshop. So he sent one of his little Christmas angels out into the woods to fetch him a tall tree.
She stamped in hours later, breathing heavy, teeth chattering, coated in snow, and dragging behind her, a tree easily several times her size.
Panting and disgruntled, she blurted out "Oy! Where ya want I should I stick this, ya fat bastard?"

And thus began the tradition of angels atop the Christmas tree.

 

[BingoT]

If you don't like bad words please don't listen to this....
John puts on a great show lol
I seen him many times.

John Valby

The 12 Dirty Days of Christmas

 

[dave1888]

Funny Xmas related pics

Here is some funny pics I have come across recently some of these are golden!!

 

[BETAT]

A little girl was riding her shiny new bike down the sidewalk a bit after dark the day of Christmas.
A horse-mounted police officer was passing by and pulled along beside her.

"That's a very nice bike", he said. "Did Santa give you that for Christmas?"
"He sure did", the little girl said proudly.
"Well", said the officer, "Be sure to tell Santa next year, that reflectors go on the back of bicycles", and with that, wrote up and handed her a $10 ticket.
The little girl frowned then looked at the police officer.
"Did Santa give you that horse for Christmas?:, she asked.
Playing along, the officer chuckled and said, "He sure did".
"Well", said the little girl, "Next year tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse".