Once again I’d like to thank everyone for your replies and messages. I was a bit too overwhelmed to reply to each post individually, but every single one of you has really helped me. This is an amazing community and I will be forever grateful that I was able to share something so personal and painful for me. Without it I would have wallowed in it and not got anywhere so thank you again.
Where I’m at now...
I’m back at home temporarily, but we’re not together in that sense.
A couple of weeks ago, as a result of a lot of hassle she was getting from her family and the two older girls, she took an overdose. I had tried messaging her and her replies were being really strange. I called my elder daughter and told her to check that she was ok. She wouldn’t at first, it was quite late at night and she said she’d be fine. When she did go and look, she saw she was in the kitchen taking pills from a bowl. I raced around, and could see she needed to go to hospital. Luckily, what she had taken wasn’t too serious but she stayed in overnight and was ill for a couple of days.
Because she had taken the pills while our five children were in the house, we both agreed that I would come back temporarily and help with the children and their attitude toward everything that has happened. She had lied about absolutely everything and it had come back to bite her on her arse big time. She has now told me everything about it, it’s still shit but at least the lies have now stopped.
Social services also became involved and have said she is not to be in sole charge of the children until she has been properly assessed. I will only be able to leave again once they say she poses no risk. Good job it was something we both agreed to beforehand.
Some people have asked if I’m sure she didn’t do it for attention. I don’t think she did, but I obviously don’t know for sure.
She is still with her new boyfriend, I’ve said after a couple of months he can start coming round to the house while the kids are here so they can get used to it. Assuming of course it looks like their relationship is here to stay. I will have a talk with him beforehand though. Apparently he is willing to do whatever we say is best for the kids.
My wife wants me and her to have a really good relationship. She said it’s not just for the kids benefit but for hers too. She wants me to get a house close, preferably on the same street and she also said on the kids birthdays, Christmas etc she wants me to stay over
I said I’m not sure lover boy would like that if he’s living here and she said he doesn’t have a choice in the matter they are your kids.
I don’t know what to think of that really.
At the moment things are fine, somethings even more than fine...
I know we don’t have a future together and it is really strange. It’s like we are still together, how it was before when things were good, but we aren’t. She’s been to his and stayed overnight a few times and I kind of don’t mind that. I don’t think I’ve fully got my head around it and I’m not sure how healthy this is in the long run. I know someone on here said about her getting the best of both worlds and it does seem that way sometimes.
My younger daughter is really hoping we get back together and I’ve spoken to her a lot about it. She says it’s obvious mum still loves you but all she thinks about is that stupid boy at the moment (he’s 28). I’ve explained that we aren’t and that we’re trying to make the transition easier for them and to be there for them, that it doesn’t have to be acrimonious and unpleasant. She’s convinced she’s right though.
My wife clearly has some issues and hopefully it is something she will get help for. That’s another thing she has asked me to help her with. Mental health services are quite stretched in this area and she wasn’t even visited by the mental health team in hospital which I thought was surprising. I thought they must have done for social services to become involved.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at now. My dark thoughts have all but disappeared but I do feel very sad sometimes. I know that’s to be expected and I know I will be fine. As you have all said, I need to be there for my kids and I most definitely will be.
Thank you all x
Sorry to hear. I was with you on the situation before you mentioned her still seeing her boyfriend while you are living with her, supporting her with her mental problems and no doubt with the practicalities of looking after the kids at the same time. Im sorry but for me thats taking the piss.
The suggestion of you living a few doors down (as a safety net) while she carries on with her new boyfriend is also a bad bad idea, and will totally destroy whats left of your self esteem. I think you need to say while in your current situation she needs to knock the boyfriend on the head out of respect for you and your support. Its also not healthy for the kids with her being as she is with you living there, helping out while she has her cake and eat it.
On the plus side, what she has done recently and with social services in full knowledge, this does put you on very good grounds for any child access issues she might contemplate when the dust settles.
Thought to myself the other day 'I wonder how steve's getting on', sounds like things are better in some respects and more worrying in others.
I think there would be more cause needed for someone to take an overdose than just hassle from family and eldest children, though that might have been the tipping point, could be all sorts of additional reasons/causes but it's not right for me to sit here and speculate.
It's so sad for somebody to feel the need to take an overdose, and putting aside the affair and breakup, I do feel sorry for your wife being in that terrible state of mind; but it's also confusing and hard on you, because on top of everything else it looks like you've now got to continue emotionally supporting your wife, at least until she's better and out of the woods.
I suppose if the boyfriend walks away, which he might depending on how serious your wife's mental illness is, it will make things worse, your wife won't cope with that either.
ahhhh Steve, wishing you all the best fella and hope that the overall situation for you and yours gets better soon
I look forward to the post that tells us that her new squeeze is out of the picture,she is no longer working with him and that you are both blissfully happy together again.
I can’t see it happening unfortunately. Even if she broke up with him, she’s already said we wouldn’t get back together. Obviously her views might change if they did break up, but I’m moving on too and I really don’t think I could go back to her knowing what she’s done and how she has behaved.
I do want to look out for her though. I still love and care about her despite everything, and she is the mother to our kids.
Thanks so much Mack.
You are right, she has suffered in the past with depression, but has never stayed on the tablets long enough for them to take effect.
She was raised by her grandparents for the most part and she isn’t close to her mum. The one thing she wants in the world is to be loved by her mum and dad. Her mum is horrible if truth be told. She left when my wife was 6, leaving her and her 2 brothers with her step dad. She’s been in touch sporadically since, but it never goes well. Her dad is trying to make more of an effort, but he’s a self centred arrogant arsehole for the most part. He’s a millionaire and all he thinks about are how many houses he has and how to make more money. He never splashes the cash though. He buys the kids presents at Christmas and birthdays, but doesn’t spend much on them. The most extravagant thing he did was to pay for our wedding. When it came to his speech, he made sure that everyone there had him to thank because he paid for it...
The biggest issue in her life is the health of her grandad. He is on his last legs now unfortunately and it has affected her very badly. I’ve tried to support her through it, but she knows what’s coming and I dread to think what will happen when that day comes.
I’m not making excuses for her, but she does have her problems.
As for her boyfriend, well, that’s another story. This next bit may be a bit tmi, but here goes.
He found out a couple of weeks ago that me and her have had sex since we broke up. He ignored her for a whole day(!) which led to her having a go at him at work. Swearing at him and calling him all kinds of derogatory things apparently.
The next day? He called her and apologised for his behaviour!
I know why and I may have mentioned it in an earlier post, but with her he will think he has won the lottery. He’s 28 and his hairstyle resembles Friar Tuck. He’s very pasty and also has anxiety and depression issues. I’m not just saying this but my wife is very pretty. He would probably jump off the Humber Bridge if she left him. I’m stunned that she’s gone with him, but as she rightly said, it’s not all about looks. He will put up with anything in order to stay with her. I think she knows this too. She actually said why would I pick someone attractive? I would always be thinking they’ll get a better offer. That right there illustrates how insecure she is