- Joined
- Apr 2, 2007
- Location
- Belarus
Peculiarity of childbirth of English ladies...
Jessica and Jonathan, young refined couple with effusive aristocratic manners, talking as if they just came down from "Jeeves and Wooster", were preparing to produce a firstborn.
They did everything for it. There was a plan (128 pages) with every minute being scheduled, which was written on heraldic paper "Conqueror" and set in posh leather folder with silver angles.
Notes in this folio were, for example: "When first pains will come, I would like nurse to bring me a cup of fresh-welded tea. It will help me to to gain strength for childbirth"...
Or: "I would like childbirth pass in normal manner and on no account allow to use epidural anesthesia, because it doesnt correspond with my idea about normal childbirth".
There was stereo-system "Bose" with weakening music, and blue light in maternity ward, two bottles of "Bollinger" in silver ice bucket, and rose petals for bath...They were ready. All they had to do is just to produce a baby...
First troubles started as soon as first pains began. Instead of drinking fresh-welded tea, Jessica calmly said, that she will jump out of the window, if doctor won't do anesthesia just in a moment...
Was called an anaesthesiologist, which agreed to do anesthesia, if lady will come out from bath. After lively negotiations it was agreed, that anaesthesiologist doesn't fit into bath, and it will be better to do anesthesia in bed.
But more attention deserves second act: in spite of anesthesia, "bear down" period can be very painful, and different women behave differently. Someone yell at the top of their voice, someone just clench teeth, someone demand immediate cesarean operation...
But aristocrats behave diffrerently...
Here is the rough dialog between Jessica and doctor, which took place right before the child was born:
- Jessica, I must say, that your neck of uterus is opened fully, and baby is just about to born.
- It's very nice from him. I hope you will stay with me till the end and inform me when to bear down.
- Undoubtedly, I will. You may start bearing down as soon as you will feel that pains started.
- AAAAAAA!!!! (pains) Sorry... AAAAAAA!!!!!
- Don't worry, it's normal to behave yourself in that way...
- Sorry for disturbing you, but I think I poo myself...
- Very good. We will take care about it.
- Thank you. You are very kind to me. I'm worry, because usually I do it without witnesses.
- I have no doubts about it.
- AAAAAAAAA!!!!! (pains) AAAAAAAAA!!!! Sorry.
- Inflate your breast, and start bearing down.
- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Ok, head just showed up!
- Doctor, please, be frankful with me. Does baby has red hairs?
- No, madam. Believe me.
- Very good. Please be so kind and ask Jonathan to sit down. It's not usual color of his face...
(Right at this time Jonathan with white face slid beneath the table)
- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pains) AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry.
Finally baby was born. Nurse take him and bring to Jessica. Not even a shade of emotion showed on her face, except of drop of tears...
- Good afternoon, baby boy!
- Yaaaaaaaaa-Yaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
...........................
- Jessica, your big belly has disappeared!
- Blimey! I can see my cunt now, can I not?
- You can indeed!
- Thank you for your help!
Real lady, what can I say?
Jessica and Jonathan, young refined couple with effusive aristocratic manners, talking as if they just came down from "Jeeves and Wooster", were preparing to produce a firstborn.
They did everything for it. There was a plan (128 pages) with every minute being scheduled, which was written on heraldic paper "Conqueror" and set in posh leather folder with silver angles.
Notes in this folio were, for example: "When first pains will come, I would like nurse to bring me a cup of fresh-welded tea. It will help me to to gain strength for childbirth"...
Or: "I would like childbirth pass in normal manner and on no account allow to use epidural anesthesia, because it doesnt correspond with my idea about normal childbirth".
There was stereo-system "Bose" with weakening music, and blue light in maternity ward, two bottles of "Bollinger" in silver ice bucket, and rose petals for bath...They were ready. All they had to do is just to produce a baby...
First troubles started as soon as first pains began. Instead of drinking fresh-welded tea, Jessica calmly said, that she will jump out of the window, if doctor won't do anesthesia just in a moment...
Was called an anaesthesiologist, which agreed to do anesthesia, if lady will come out from bath. After lively negotiations it was agreed, that anaesthesiologist doesn't fit into bath, and it will be better to do anesthesia in bed.
But more attention deserves second act: in spite of anesthesia, "bear down" period can be very painful, and different women behave differently. Someone yell at the top of their voice, someone just clench teeth, someone demand immediate cesarean operation...
But aristocrats behave diffrerently...
Here is the rough dialog between Jessica and doctor, which took place right before the child was born:
- Jessica, I must say, that your neck of uterus is opened fully, and baby is just about to born.
- It's very nice from him. I hope you will stay with me till the end and inform me when to bear down.
- Undoubtedly, I will. You may start bearing down as soon as you will feel that pains started.
- AAAAAAA!!!! (pains) Sorry... AAAAAAA!!!!!
- Don't worry, it's normal to behave yourself in that way...
- Sorry for disturbing you, but I think I poo myself...
- Very good. We will take care about it.
- Thank you. You are very kind to me. I'm worry, because usually I do it without witnesses.
- I have no doubts about it.
- AAAAAAAAA!!!!! (pains) AAAAAAAAA!!!! Sorry.
- Inflate your breast, and start bearing down.
- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Ok, head just showed up!
- Doctor, please, be frankful with me. Does baby has red hairs?
- No, madam. Believe me.
- Very good. Please be so kind and ask Jonathan to sit down. It's not usual color of his face...
(Right at this time Jonathan with white face slid beneath the table)
- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pains) AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry.
Finally baby was born. Nurse take him and bring to Jessica. Not even a shade of emotion showed on her face, except of drop of tears...
- Good afternoon, baby boy!
- Yaaaaaaaaa-Yaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
...........................
- Jessica, your big belly has disappeared!
- Blimey! I can see my cunt now, can I not?
- You can indeed!
- Thank you for your help!
Real lady, what can I say?
