Ah, mothers

[dionysus]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
She wrote to the first son: "Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes... and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes... The chicken was delicious."

 

[chayton]

lol, the version of the joke I heard was that the parrot spoke 20 languages fluently, and the guy says, "OMG mom you ate that parrot? That was a terrifically expensive bird who spoke 20 languages!" And the mom says, "Well why didn't he say something?"


speaking of bible reading parrots though....

A woman bought a beautiful female parrot secondhand, but the parrot only spoke one phrase: "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?"

She was so embarrased whenever anyone heard this, so she went to her Pastor to ask for help. The Pastor said, "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her."

So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds.

The female parrot immediately squawked, "Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looked at the other one and said, "Put away the Bible, our prayers have been answered."

 

[The Dude]

For some reason, I love old lady and parrot jokes. Here's a fave of mine (I've used it often in the newsletter - so bear with me if you've heard it before).

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"