The Irish!!

[dazlazz]

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

 

[BingoT]

Where were you going when I saw you coming back?

I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.

I tapped you on the shoulder, but when you turned round it was neither of us!

'What a filthy place,' said Murphy. 'It's alive with dead rats.'

'Not only that,' added his brother. 'There's holes a foot high!'

'I don't mind dying,' said Mick McGee. 'It's just that you feel so stiff the day after!'

'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.

'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist.
'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'

The man in the next bed to Rafferty had a kidney removed. The next day, for lunch, they were served kidney soup.
'My God,' said he, 'they waste nothing here!'

'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'

'She's a horrible woman,' said Murphy about his mother-in-law. 'She makes her own yoghurt. She puts a pint of milk on the table and stares at it!'

'That's my lot,' said Paddy leaving the dentist's. 'I've just had all my teeth out - never again!'
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the DIY man. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.

'God, the man is thin,' said Molly Flynn. 'He's like a set of teeth in a suit! If a door opens and no one comes in - that's him!'

'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'

The Casey twins were flying over the Sahara Desert when one said to the other:
'My God, look at all that sand. I wonder what they're going to build when the cement arrives?'

'What a miserable party,' said Murphy. The whiskey flowed like glue!'

'My husband was the hardest worker in Dublin,' said widow Clancy. 'He was the only docker with a straight hook!'

'What would you be if you weren't Irish?' asked the barman.
'Ashamed! 'said Murphy.

'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

Mary Kelly made a phone call to the council complaining:

'Our toilet seat is broken in half, and is now in three pieces. Can you tell me where I stand?'

Murphy was even funnier in writing to the council:
'I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall!'

An Irish proposal: 'Would you like to be buried with my people?'

'Excuse me,' said Mrs McCoy to the butcher. 'But there's a sausage on the floor.'
'Don't worry,' said he, 'I've got me foot on it!'

Two ladies on a bus and one said: 'And do you know he put his hand right up my skirt.'
And the other replied: 'Not the green one with the floral pattern?'

'I couldn't believe Dublin, great city, but every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Pat!!'

'What's that you're taking, Mick?' asked Jim McGee. ' Tis the secret of a good night out,' replied Mick. 'It's a mixture of Benzedrine and Valium. It makes you feel frisky but if you don't click who cares!'

Things that only the illogical Irish would say:
'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?'
'Spread out in a bunch.
'Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?' asked Bridget.
I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!' said Mary.
'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Vera. 'But I'm wearing sevens coss fours hurt!'

As Mrs McGinty entered the house she looked up to see a ceiling 15 feet high.

'Begod,' she said to husband Seamus, 'when you said you were going to knock two rooms into one I didn't think you meant upwards!!'

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May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Here's to me, and here's to you,
And here's to love and laughter-
I'll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.

Here's to you and yours
And to mine and ours.
And if mine and ours
Ever come across to you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!

Health and life to you;
The mate of your choice to you;
Land without rent to you,
And death in Eirinn.

Here's a toast to your enemies' enemies!

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven!

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold beer—and another one!

Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!
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[PlexRep]

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