Read if you want to laugh your ass off !!!!!!

[LaurieJim]

WARNING THIS IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND VERY FUNNY! YOU MIGHT NEED A BATHROOM AFTER READING THIS AND SOME TISSUES WHILE READING! I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS!!

My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh . Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OFIT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......


Laurie

 

[cpdnd31]

Laurie please tell me this was not you!! I have never laughed harder. We all have had these moments in life. Here is a valuable hint: NEVER use NAIR when you are extremely tired!!! I applied in certain area had to go into bedroom to answer phone talked on phone and then while laying in bed I fell asleep. My hubby found me oh 6 hours later wrapped in a towel and woke me, after asking me what that smell was, I proceeded to scream oh crap ! dropped the towel and I was as bald as you come. LOL Never Never Never again, however the gyno that gave me the burn cream did say I was not the first women to do that, I guess that helped a little. I think the worst part of this story is God help me when ever he goes in the shaving cream isle at the store, He starts snickering and saying hey honey remember when -- as I proceed to say shut up Kev and walk away!

 

[anniemac]

When I read this, I laughed so hard I cried.

Embarrassed to say, I did almost the same thing many years ago trying to wax certain areas. Only I pulled off a layer of skin! Hurt like hell! One side was sufficient for me to learn my lesson.

 

[pianoman]

NO SYMPATHY !

Yeah well look
you don't get any from me.
I'm a bloke.
And we got our own troubles mate

Like when you're just Five
and it's cold and you went to visit your cousin..
and they put you in a pair of his long pants with a zipper down the front instead of buttons and that crinkle-skin scrotumy thing sort of hanging around your lil whatsits seems to crinkle about the same pattern as zip teeth are apart and somehow they get emselves all intertwined and your auntie and the next door neighbor woman are both peering down at you lying on the kitchen table wondering what to do with that razor blade they're thinking about using to slice away at the problem
. . .
like that's when you learn a bit about pain I can tell you.
Sixty years ago. Jeez.
Still remember the sting, the Pain, the embarrassment.
Like yesterday!

Can't recall whether it was before or after I took a pee actually....
Good lesson though.
Never did it again !

BTW No sympathy ? Just kidding.
Wonderful tale, brilliantly told - thankyou!
Laughed myself totally stupid.

 

[secret2]

"There's just something about you.....", Pianoman!

Yeah well look
you don't get any from me.
I'm a bloke.
And we got our own troubles mate

Like when you're just Five
and it's cold and you went to visit your cousin..
and they put you in a pair of his long pants with a zipper down the front instead of buttons and that crinkle-skin scrotumy thing sort of hanging around your lil whatsits seems to crinkle about the same pattern as zip teeth are apart and somehow they get emselves all intertwined and your auntie and the next door neighbor woman are both peering down at you lying on the kitchen table wondering what to do with that razor blade they're thinking about using to slice away at the problem
. . .
like that's when you learn a bit about pain I can tell you.
Sixty years ago. Jeez.
Still remember the sting, the Pain, the embarrassment.
Like yesterday!

Can't recall whether it was before or after I took a pee actually....
Good lesson though.
Never did it again !

BTW No sympathy ? Just kidding.
Wonderful tale, brilliantly told - thankyou!
Laughed myself totally stupid.