Funny every day stories :)

[SlotMonster]

My boyfrend told me that he can’t have children so we don’t need to use condoms. Yesterday I found out that I’m pregnant. When I told my boyfried, he replied: “OMG, you too???” WTF??? KMP.

My girlfriend, when I’m spending a night at her apartment, always making the same course: spaghetti with meet. Yesterday, I found a pack of spaghetti and a can of dogs’ food (meet) in her fridge. She doesn’t have a dog. KMP.

Yesterday me and my friends had a party in my house. This morning I woke up early, only to find my best male friend sleeping in my bed. I also found used condom on the floor. There were no girls with us yesterday. KMP.

Today, my wife gave birth to our son. He’s black. I’m Japanese. KMP.

 

[BingoT]

Here is more for ya.

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a a vegetarian.

Today, at the restaurant with my sons, I reprimanded them for misbehaving. "Sit down and play with your balls" I yelled as they had those super balls from the vending machine. Oblivious, it was only after the table of fine women next to ours started cracking up that I realized what I had said.

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s teacher asking me to come pick her up. My daughter wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. I left an important work meeting. When I got there she stated her boyfriend broke up with her and she couldn't emotionally make it through the rest of the day. She's 5.

Today, after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying, I wake up to an empty house. I go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying "We heard you crying last night and didn't want to hear you complaining this morning, so we went to the mall. -Mom"

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M&M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them.

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus.

Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her.

Today, I was leaving school to get tested for peptic ulcers, because my stomach has been hurting for a few months. To wish me luck, one of my friends gave me a friendly punch in the stomach. I threw up blood.

Today, I had to resign myself to the fact that while everyone else will be seeing their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife on Valentine's Day, I will only be seeing my dentist.

Today, I was dry-walling a house when my butt started to itch. I bent over to scratch it on a piece of plywood, at which point the client's wife walked in and asked what the f*** I was doing.

Today, I dropped my Xanax. It wasn't until after I washed it down with some water that I realized it was still on the floor and I had actually swallowed a pebble of cat litter.

Today, the most interesting conversation I had at work was about ass-hairs.

Today, my girlfriend handed me a wilting flower and said 'This rose is dying just like our relationship'.

 

[SlotMonster]

This one is my fav. so far!
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And this one is about casino:
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[SlotMonster]

Casino Lucky Winner
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[SlotMonster]

A week ago, I came home early, only to hear moaning sounds from our bedroom. Without accusing my wife, I just took all money we had and left to Las Vegas. After a week of endless calls and texts asking me what’s going on and where am I, I finally texted her back that I knew she was cheating on me that day. Her reply: “You idiot, I told you that my brother asked to use our house to spend few hours with his new girlfriend, but you didn’t listen to me!!! Come back home! NOW!!!” I wasted all money and have been sleeping with new chick every night while staying in Vegas. KMP.