Medical Jokes If you have any please post them.Iam always looking for new one's

[BingoT]

Voodoo Dick
A guy was going on vacation and he didn't want his girl friend to have sex with any other guy while he was gone so the guy want to a porn shop and said to the clerk, "I need something to keep my girlfriend from having sex with another guy!"
So the clerk gets a box and said, "This is a Voodoo Dick. Here is a example of how it works," and the clerk said, "Voodoo Dick, the door!" and the dick went and fucked the door.
Then the clerk said to get in the box say 'voodoo dick your box.'"
So the guy brings it to his girlfriend and shows her how to use it but didn't tell her how to make it stop.
The next morning before she went to work she said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy!" and it was the best sex she ever had, but she didn't know how to get it to stop.
So she went to the Doctors with it fucking her and eventually got in to see a gynaecologist.
She said, "I have a Voodoo Dick in my pussy and there's no way I can get it out!"
The Doctor looks at her suspiciously and says, "Voodoo Dick, my ass!"

 

[satchmo]

The Problem
A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.
"I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
Doctor:"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."


Patient journal:

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Jokes again

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.

***
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

***
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

***
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

***
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

***
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

***
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

***
I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians.

***
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldnt afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

***
Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.

***
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

***
We may lay down a maxim, that when a nation abounds in physicians it grows thin of people.

***
The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.

***
I saw a specialist who asked me: 'Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?' I said: 'I think I saw that one with Glenn

Nuff? BingoT? or more?

Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[BingoT]

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
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"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"
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An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds: "This is the dress of love." And he said to her, "Well, go iron it first."

 

[LaurieJim]

you two guys crack me up....laurie

 

[BingoT]

you two guys crack me up....laurie

Did you know in this field we see every crack

 

[BingoT]

Here are some that people bring us and post on our boards


Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
--------------------------------
Top 10 reasons to become a nurse


Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms. (Something Bingo T don't do)
Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
Interesting aromas.
Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
---------------------
How nurses do it...
Nurses do it painless.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.
--------------------------
You Might Be a Nurse if...
when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.
you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.

 

[BingoT]

1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
~~~~~~~
2) Patient: "Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!"
Nurse: "How do you feel?"
Patient: "A little down in the mouth"
~~~~~~~
3) You know you are a nurse when discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
You know you are a nurse when you compliment a complete stranger on his veins.
You know you are a nurse when you find yourself betting on someone's alcohol level.
You know you are a nurse when you know that K-Y jelly is optional.

 

[satchmo]

Sex Therapist
A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.


Diagnosis
"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.

"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known people in civil life to be told they have pneumonia but then to die of something quite different."

"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."



Behaviorist Solution
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed.

It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful.

"Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "You seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."


The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says, If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.



Iron Phone
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."


And i end with this Link Removed ( Old/Invalid) the largest and most complete medical joke site of the internet.



Satchmo the man the myth the working class hero...

 

[BingoT]

How do they make Lemonade in health care?

Here you go


Expired Image

 

[happygobrokey]

the patient comes into the office, and after being examined, the doctor wants to prescribe some antibiotics for the patient's condition. he goes to the desk and gets out his scrip pad, reaches into his pocket and pulls out only a thermometer. "dammit" he says, "some asshole's got my pen!"

 

[brutaldeluxe]

A doctor asks a patient ..

"Are you sexually active?"

Patient - "Nah, I tend just to lie there."


A woman goes to the doctor one day as she has a really sore vagina.
What's the problem the doctor asks ? Well every time it rains I seem to get a horrible pain down there ya know ? OK let's have a look then says the doctor.
Ahhhhhh right, hmmmmm , yeahhhh. He rummages about and does a few things. OK I think that should be you he says, see how you get on.
So the next few days it rains and the pain and the woman feels no pain at all. Superb, she thinks. She's goes back to the doctor to tell him everything is fine. No pain at all now she says, what exactly did you do when you were down there she ask ? "I trimmed an inch off the top of your wellies."

 

[happygobrokey]

i don't get it, the boots were rubbing on her vagina? don't they stop before the knee? why was she wearing them while being examined? i need this one spelled out for me; normally i'm quite clever and quick on the uptake. sorry

 

[BingoT]

MEXICAN FIRST AID...

Luis and Francisco were having the burrito special at their
favorite cantina, when they heard this awful choking sound.

They turned to see this viejita (old lady) a few stools down
turning blue from wolfing down some menudo too fast.
Francisco said to Luis, 'What do you say Ese shall we
help her?' 'Well Yea' said Luis.
Francisco got up and walked over to the viejita and
asked, 'Can you briffe' (breathe) she shook her head que no.

'Can you speak?' she shook her head no...
he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled down
her drawers and licked her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed
up the piece of menudo and began to breathe with great relief.
Francisco turned to his friend Luis and said,
'You see Ese, you see...that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time.'

 

[aletakmoore]

Silver Lining?????

I'm not sure how funny other ppl will think this is...
But I have MS....so..It's a little black
I've spent a LOT of time in hospitals, and having
been sick myself, I've noticed how fast you lose
all of your "friends".
So I go out of my way to talk to ppl who as
we like to say in our community....are circling the drain.

There was an 18 year old boy who came into the hospital just after me
in Brisbane. He was in a car accident, and had both of his
legs amputated. Everyone gave him a REALLY WIDE BERTH...
cause...I mean...waddya say????
Well...I have good news and bad news.....
The bad news...obviously; we had to amputate both of your legs.
The good news.. The guy in the next bed wants to rent your slipppers.
We both literally peed ourselves laughing.

Hey there's always a silver lining....

I may be dying but...
I usually get a great seat on the bus..
I can chain smoke cigarettes wrapped in bacon.
I don't have to watch any really long miniseries
I can do WHATEVER I WANT!!!!!
I love my short little life