Jokes

[steve]

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Well, lets take a look at the rules of Domestic Survivor.

6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 3 kids
each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance
classes.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids and keep his
assigned house clean.

They must run all errands such as the drugstore, Wal-Mart,
grocery shop, etc.

They must cook, do laundry, help their assigned kids study,
and correct all homework, complete science projects and
cook dinner each night.

The men only have access to television after the kids have
gone to bed and all chores are done, however there is only
one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which
they must apply either while driving or while making four
lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings, be a committee
chairman of something, clean up after their sick children at
3:00 a.m., make an Indian teepee model with six toothpicks, a
tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of
peas.

The kids vote them off the island based on poor performance.

The winner gets to go back to his job!

 

[steve]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.
You remember how momma enjoyed reading from the Torah? And you know she
can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the
entire Torah. It took elders in the congregation 12 years to teach him.
He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the
parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"David," she wrote one son, "The house you built is huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Saul," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of
the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Irwin," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.

 

[The Dude]

ha ha ha

 

[karlly]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted ,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below consulted his GPS and replied, "You're are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man on the ground responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

[karlly]

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

 

[karlly]

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This
new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of
the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full
of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means
business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?

"Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "Pizza delivery guy."

 

[karlly]

This guy bought a parrot at a pet store and took him home. Within a few hours, the guy noticed that every time the parrot talked, he said nothing but cuss words. The guy worked with the parrot for several weeks and still couldn't get the parrot to say anything but cuss words.

Finally in a fit of desperation one day, the guy opened the freezer door, threw the parrot inside, and slammed the door shut. The parrot cussed and squawked and carried on, then all of a sudden became silent.

The guy was standing outside the freezer door listening and became worried when the parrot stopped carrying on. He opened the door to the freezer and out stepped the parrot onto the guy's arm. The parrot said, "I do beg your pardon for my rude behavior and it won't happen again."

The guy was dumbfounded but relieved.

The parrot continued, "By the way, may I inquire as to what the chicken did?"