a big thanks for all the educational emails we get!!!!

[LaurieJim]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
(Great idea!!)



I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.



I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
(Yuk!!)

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)



Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. (Horrors-----)



I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
(Yeah, thanks!!!)




Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
(Whoops, it may be the 1,387,259th time)




I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.:



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
(Thank God!)



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within f ive minutes.



Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
(Sorry that I didn't know sooner!)




I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.





I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.





I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. (and not from QVC!)





I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.



Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.



And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
(No such luck-------)



I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
(and she looks really weird, too--)






Have a wonderful day....



Oh, by the way.....



A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.



Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late!

...and that's about the size of it..............enough bitching for the day.............................laurie

 

[winbig]

I thought this thread was going to be about these spammers that are always trying to sell me a Masters or PhD degree from an unaccredited College.

I can't believe there are people stupid enough to fall for that scam. Don't they realize what "unaccredited" means?

 

[happygobrokey]

university of phoenix emails me all the time, is that common? and devry lmao

that list had some paranoid stuff on it. rat poop in envelope glue, that makes perfect sense to me. it's the rat poop in food that concerns me. anyway, if you buy a postage paid envelope or a good batch of envelopes from the post office, they come with real adhesive instead of cheap lickem glue. same at the bank. if you still have envelopes that require moistening, you're way behind the times. i think seinfeld contributed to this trend as well.

nice list though. amusing read.

 

[winbig]

university of phoenix emails me all the time, is that common? and devry lmao

Nah, the scammer's I'm talking about just want you to buy a diploma....you don't even need to step foot in a classroom

 

[suzecat]

Holy crap Laurie.................you forgot the one about breathing while you sleep (your eyelashes fall out) and reading while showering (your book gets wet).

 

[winbig]

I totally forgot about the weird al song....so fitting

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"Virus Alert"

Lyrics:

Virus Alert
by Al Yankovic


Lyrics:

Hey
Everyone, listen up
Your attention, if you please

We wanna give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
'Bout a dangerous, insidious computer virus

If you should get any mail with the subject "Stinky Cheese"
Better not go taking your chances
Under no circumstances
Should you open it or else it will...

Translate your documents into Swahili
Make your TV record Gigli
Neuter your pets
And give your laundry static cling

(Look out) It's gonna make your computer screen freeze
(Look out) Erase the Easter Eggs off your DVDs
(Look out) Erase your hard drive and your backups too
And the hard drive of anyone related to you

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody

Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls
It'll make your keyboard all sticky
Give your poodle a hickey
And invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney

Then it will tie up your phone making crank long distance calls
It'll set your clocks back an hour
And start hogging the shower
So just trash it now, or else it will...

Decide to give you a permanent wedgie
Legally change your name to Reggie
Even mess up the pH balance in your pool

(Look out) It's gonna melt your face right off your skull
(Look out) And make your iPod only play Jethro Tull
(Look out) And tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep
(Look out) And make you physically attracted to sheep

(Look out) Steal your identity and your credit cards
(Look out) Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
(Look out) Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place

That's right, it a...

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now

If you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born
So, before it e-mails your grandmother all of your porn

Turn off your computer and make sure it powers down
Drop it in a forty three foot hole in the ground
Bury it completely, rocks and boulders should be fine
Then burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were online

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody

Virus alert!
Delete immediately before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now

What are you waiting for?
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know

Hit... "send"... right... now