I don’t know a single guy who won’t sit and talk about at least one sport. Some guys seem to enjoy everything from tennis to rugby. Personally, I don’t care. I do enjoy competition. But watching the same sports with the same players over and over is just uninteresting. Maybe they’re just too long to hold my short attention span. In fact I’ve already lost interest in what I’m typing. I’ll be right back.
Ok. Where was I? Oh, yes. Sports are too long. The average hockey game is 3 hours long. The actual play time is 1 hour. Stop blowing the f’n whistle. Don’t you realize every time you do that everyone stops? In fact why don’t we just have one period? One period, throw about 30 pucks on the ice and let everyone have a go at once. Hockey/Anarchy. Honarchy? Now that I’d watch.
I’m watching baseball one boring Sunday afternoon. (The baseball game isn’t helping.) The pitcher steps up on the mound. Looks behind him, spits. Looks to third base. Spits again. Looks down at the catcher’s crotch. Catcher gives him two fingers. I don’t even want to know what that means. He looks at third base again. Spits again. Jesus someone get this guy a bucket. Third baseman is starting to feel self conscious about the pitcher looking at him all the time and the pitcher on the other team is probably thinking “I’m not pitching in all that spit.” Now I’m wondering if he’s going to ever through the ball or are we going to another commercial. Wait he’s going to throw it. Nope, he’s adjusting his jock. Screw it. I think Laverne and Shirley is on Deja View.
Now the fact that it’s the same players all year long is another thing that makes me lose interest. That is one thing the Olympics has going for it. If nothing else, the games are far enough apart that at least some of the players change. Gymnastics is a good example of this. Apparently the forced retirement age is around 8. There are also enough Olympic events that you can watch it every day for a month and never need to see the same sport twice. One day you could be watching the snow shoe pole vault competition and the next day you can watch synchronized hula dancing.
I remember sports being a lot more exciting in high school. Maybe we should bring back some of the rules that applied there. Like, instead of competitors training for 4 years maybe the coaches could randomly take turns picking teams from a large group. Like the one in the stands. All they’re doing is sitting there anyway. That would make events like the ski jump or the long distance swimming events more entertaining. Especially if they didn’t know how to swim. If you really want me to stay tuned in, choosing an involuntary group of competitors and tossing them off a frozen cliff wearing a pair of ill fitting ski boots would certainly do the trick.
Which brings me to the danger factor. For the most part, Olympics events seem a little on the cushy side. More danger equals more excitement. We need sharks, electric eels or piranhas in every pool. We need high jump bars fastened more securely to their posts to eliminate that “give” when they are landed on. We need less foam filled mats when people are doing triple flips in the air. We need to randomly loosen what ever holds those parallel bars, diving boards, ski boots and safety harnesses in place. When these people go home with a gold medal they would damn well earn it.
Don’t get me wrong though. I do think gold medals are earned. Anyone that would train for half their life to see if they can jump farther into the sand box than the other 10 guys that showed up has earned something. Although I’m sure the skill’s usefulness drops dramatically once the event is over. You could impress people at social gatherings boasting “With a good run at it I could jump from here to the coffee table.” Or use your achievements to pick up women. “I was in the Olympics…. Wanna see my javelin?”
Well enough rambling, I think tackle lawn darts is on TSN.
Ok. Where was I? Oh, yes. Sports are too long. The average hockey game is 3 hours long. The actual play time is 1 hour. Stop blowing the f’n whistle. Don’t you realize every time you do that everyone stops? In fact why don’t we just have one period? One period, throw about 30 pucks on the ice and let everyone have a go at once. Hockey/Anarchy. Honarchy? Now that I’d watch.
I’m watching baseball one boring Sunday afternoon. (The baseball game isn’t helping.) The pitcher steps up on the mound. Looks behind him, spits. Looks to third base. Spits again. Looks down at the catcher’s crotch. Catcher gives him two fingers. I don’t even want to know what that means. He looks at third base again. Spits again. Jesus someone get this guy a bucket. Third baseman is starting to feel self conscious about the pitcher looking at him all the time and the pitcher on the other team is probably thinking “I’m not pitching in all that spit.” Now I’m wondering if he’s going to ever through the ball or are we going to another commercial. Wait he’s going to throw it. Nope, he’s adjusting his jock. Screw it. I think Laverne and Shirley is on Deja View.
Now the fact that it’s the same players all year long is another thing that makes me lose interest. That is one thing the Olympics has going for it. If nothing else, the games are far enough apart that at least some of the players change. Gymnastics is a good example of this. Apparently the forced retirement age is around 8. There are also enough Olympic events that you can watch it every day for a month and never need to see the same sport twice. One day you could be watching the snow shoe pole vault competition and the next day you can watch synchronized hula dancing.
I remember sports being a lot more exciting in high school. Maybe we should bring back some of the rules that applied there. Like, instead of competitors training for 4 years maybe the coaches could randomly take turns picking teams from a large group. Like the one in the stands. All they’re doing is sitting there anyway. That would make events like the ski jump or the long distance swimming events more entertaining. Especially if they didn’t know how to swim. If you really want me to stay tuned in, choosing an involuntary group of competitors and tossing them off a frozen cliff wearing a pair of ill fitting ski boots would certainly do the trick.
Which brings me to the danger factor. For the most part, Olympics events seem a little on the cushy side. More danger equals more excitement. We need sharks, electric eels or piranhas in every pool. We need high jump bars fastened more securely to their posts to eliminate that “give” when they are landed on. We need less foam filled mats when people are doing triple flips in the air. We need to randomly loosen what ever holds those parallel bars, diving boards, ski boots and safety harnesses in place. When these people go home with a gold medal they would damn well earn it.
Don’t get me wrong though. I do think gold medals are earned. Anyone that would train for half their life to see if they can jump farther into the sand box than the other 10 guys that showed up has earned something. Although I’m sure the skill’s usefulness drops dramatically once the event is over. You could impress people at social gatherings boasting “With a good run at it I could jump from here to the coffee table.” Or use your achievements to pick up women. “I was in the Olympics…. Wanna see my javelin?”
Well enough rambling, I think tackle lawn darts is on TSN.
