Does My Friend Have a Gambling Problem?

[winbig]

Thanks, everyone.
She's a really good friend, so I think I will lend her the money. I'm nervous about bringing up the subject of the online gambling, so I think I'll leave it for now, but if she doesn't pay me back by the end of next month, or if she needs another loan soon, I think I'll have a talk with her about the gambling.

Mostly, I'm worried because up until she started playing online slots, she never needed a loan, and she hasn't changed jobs and her rent hasn't gone up and her one big expense - hanging out at pubs - has gone way down - she's home a lot more, doesn't want to go out.

I don't want to give her a lecture about it, but I don't want to let my friend wreck her life either.

If you really want to help your friend, instead of giving her cash, offer to pay the amount you were going to give her in the form of a check towards her rent, made out to her landlord.

If she wasn't going to use the money for gambling, then she shouldn't have any objections. If she raises a fuss, then you have your answer to whether or not she was going to use it for gambling. Only a true addict will try to either raise their rent money or lose it altogether from gambling. Same goes for food money and other necessities.

Another option would be to take her to the grocery store, let her do her shopping, then pay for her groceries. Or just simply get her a gift card from the store she shops at

I guess what it all boils down to is that if her intentions are on the up and up, she'll be appreciative for any help you give her, not just help in the form of cash.

[3Dice]

Hi James,

It's a hard call to make, especially given that if your friend really does have a problem she obviously hasn't figured that out herself yet. Ultimately its her that needs to realize there is a problem - not you. (It would save you the 300, but wont help her at all..). So the question becomes whether or not there is anything you can do to help her truly asses the situation, regardless of whether you lend her the money.

One way to try and do that could be to tell her you can lend her the money, but you really don't have 300 to spare and the only way for you to do it is give her your gambling budget. Add that she needs to pay you back soon cause you wont be able to play till she does ..

More seriously tho, whether or not you lend her the money, consider that a true friend would share his emotions about the situation. Explain that you are really worried; up to the point where you went looking for external advice on the situation and tell her why she's got you so worried. If you lend her the money tell her you don't need to know what its for, but that you hope that the friendship you have would allow any type of problem to be discussed. Treat her the way you would want to be treated .. Honesty goes a long way !

Good luck,

Enzo

[lojo]

If you really want to help your friend, instead of giving her cash, offer to pay the amount you were going to give her in the form of a check towards her rent, made out to her landlord.

If she wasn't going to use the money for gambling, then she shouldn't have any objections. If she raises a fuss, then you have your answer to whether or not she was going to use it for gambling. Only a true addict will try to either raise their rent money or lose it altogether from gambling. Same goes for food money and other necessities.

Another option would be to take her to the grocery store, let her do her shopping, then pay for her groceries. Or just simply get her a gift card from the store she shops at

I guess what it all boils down to is that if her intentions are on the up and up, she'll be appreciative for any help you give her, not just help in the form of cash.

That seems like a good idea, and I'm sure it comes from genuine care and concern... but the addicted mind has it's own master manipulator mode (chesterday I couldn't spell dimplomat, now i are one )
If you pay my mortgage or rent, I have x$ to get my fix. If you buy my groceries, I have even more. If you take me to the store by the hand, I'll slobber all over it and then hate your guts for treating me like a child while I spend your money on my habit, then I'll feel like shit and want your forgiveness and ask for your help again until you finally treat me like the spineless addict you already know me as... why else would you have not just given me the money, you ^&%*&%& .

A friend should oughta be able to talk to a friend as a friend. Give her the money with no expectations of getting it back. If you are great friends, tell her it is a gift. Once the money part is out of the way have a little chat about gambling if you're in a place that has access to gamcare or another non 12-step model.
If not, don't give her the money, ask if she'd like some help with her finances until she gets back on her feet --- accounting and accountability, no cash before that is done. If she's in to the bookies... well that's another scenario all together.

If your friend is you, please send me a personal message for resources.

[lojo]

Sound advice, Enzo (I decided to post before reading yours because I knew we'd say some similar things and i wanted mine to still have some original juice )

[winbig]

If you pay my mortgage or rent, I have x$ to get my fix. If you buy my groceries, I have even more. If you take me to the store by the hand, I'll slobber all over it and then hate your guts for treating me like a child while I spend your money on my habit, then I'll feel like shit and want your forgiveness and ask for your help again until you finally treat me like the spineless addict you already know me as... why else would you have not just given me the money, you ^&%*&%& .

That's so true, but in buying groceries, paying for rent or whatever, at least then you're not being an enabler in a direct sense.

A friend should oughta be able to talk to a friend as a friend. Give her the money with no expectations of getting it back. If you are great friends, tell her it is a gift. Once the money part is out of the way have a little chat about gambling if you're in a place that has access to gamcare or another non 12-step model.
If not, don't give her the money, ask if she'd like some help with her finances until she gets back on her feet --- accounting and accountability, no cash before that is done. If she's in to the bookies... well that's another scenario all together.

I agree. The check/store card should go along with a nice long heart to heart.

[james01]

Wow, you guys are really amazing. I called her today and told her to give me the details to pay her landlord rent, and I invited her out for drinks tonight. She seemed really reluctant to have drinks with me, but finally agreed. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. I feel like I really need to talk to her about it, especially because another friend mentioned that she hasn't been going out almost at all lately. That really worries me, because she used to go out every weekend. I don't know if she's depressed or addicted. In either case, I feel like I need to let her know I'm worried about her. Thank you again for all your help and concern.

[lojo]

Wow, you guys are really amazing. I called her today and told her to give me the details to pay her landlord rent, and I invited her out for drinks tonight. She seemed really reluctant to have drinks with me, but finally agreed. I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. I feel like I really need to talk to her about it, especially because another friend mentioned that she hasn't been going out almost at all lately. That really worries me, because she used to go out every weekend. I don't know if she's depressed or addicted. In either case, I feel like I need to let her know I'm worried about her. Thank you again for all your help and concern.

Be good.

[happygobrokey]

Be good.

you put that much more succinctly than i was attempting to do (and subsequently gave up on doing). i'll merely append "be responsible" to lojo's advice.
. . . . . .and go get'em tiger!!!. . . . . .

[james01]

Okay, so here's what I was able to get from her... There was a lot of crying and a bit too much drinking involved.

Her car was totaled in a crash about 3 months ago, and the insurance wasn't enough to buy anything except a junker (her previous car was pretty dead before the accident), so she's been taking public transit (which sucks). Another friend (who I now need to have a serious talk with) told her how she'd won like 2K Euro at an online casino playing slots (turned out that she'd gotten 2K in bonus money and ended up only being able to cash out 200, btas).

Anyway, back to my first friend - she went online to try to win money to get a new car, and she fell into the classic trap - started chasing her losses, and is now down about 3.5K Euro. Some of it was from the car insurance and some of it is from her savings, but she got desperate and used rent money too.

So, in addition to comforting her for a long time, I told her that I'll help her with the rent this month, and she doesn't have to give it back. I made her sign a contract with me (on a bar napkin, but hey, it's paper) that she won't do any more gambling at all - online, lotto, nothing until she's saved up enough to afford a car.

I hope she won't break our contract. I told her I'll cover her for drinks Fri night next week & pick her up. She needs to get out with friends. I think staying home is making her really depressed.

Anything else I should do/watch for?

[GaryWatson]

Thats all you really can do

Just ensure she sticks to her promise & if she is paying her debt and cannot afford to go out, make a point of dropping in with a bottle of wine & tell her you got an interesting email from Golden casino offering a $2400 sign up bonus (joking)