Letter To Santa From Mom

[lauriejim]

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and
cuddled my children on demand, visited their doctor's
office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of
candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the
school playground. I was hoping you could spread my
list out over several Christmases, since I had to
write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles,
and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the
next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color,
except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong
enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in
the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only
plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast
any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that
says, 'Yes, Mommy' to boost my parental confidence,
along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of
power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting
'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands
off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just
out of my children's hearing range and can only be
heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd
settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my
hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food
warmer than room temperature without it being served
in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas
miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It
will clear my conscience immensely. It would be
helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were
the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my
son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think
he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots
by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch
cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat
too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests
if you can keep my children young enough to believe in
Santa.