Mojo Secrets

In last month’s issue, I was trying to convince you – my dear reader – to buy me poker stuff. So unconvincing was I that nothing, diddly-squat – showed up in my editor’s office labeled “To the dude”. But it’s cool — really. If you’re strapped for cash, I can relate to this. I’m not here to leach off of your good will, or to beg. I know what it’s like to be cheap. In a previous life, I was pretty cheap too.

But then I may be getting ahead of myself. Perhaps by the time these words are printed, there are some little surprises waiting for me. Chances are, they weren’t from you – and guilt can be a difficult thing to deal with. Just think about how much money you spent on this magazine, and then think about how much the advice or guidance I have given you by now (first time readers should order previous issues). Am I being manipulative, or just plain annoying? Or maybe, I’m just messin’ with your mind.

I’ve mentioned this before, how poker is a mind trip – and how it’s important to be able to mess with people’s minds during the game. At least I think so. Just look at some of the professional players (and not so pro) and see what they do. Chillin’ sunglasses and baseball caps – scary mannerisms – facial tics – annoying poker garb; it’s all there to mess with your mind.

Yes, intimidate and antagonize your opponents – even if you’re playing your buddies at home. What the hell — you want their money too, so screw ’em. It’s time for some psychological operations. Rumor has is during the 100 years war, Edward III had his armor, as well as the armor for his knights and nobility, fitted with larger than life cod-pieces. Why? Because in those days (1350s or so) a large manhood was directly related to one’s prowess, cunning, and vigor on the battlefield. The site of the large cod pieces sent the French soldiers scurrying away. Hell, I would run too.

But at the poker table, you’re sitting down. No need to fit your Levis with a cod piece unless you want to look like a pervert. And if you’re a female, you’d just look like some whacked out bitch. (note to editor: you may want to replace the word bitch with “sicko” since it may offend some female readers. Your call. It just sounded good and earthy and it came out naturally).

So, how about something equally intimidating that both boys and girls can use? Try using Poker Card Protector Coins. After taking a peek at your cards, and you place them gently back on the table, whip out one of these coins and slap it down on top of your cards. Besides protecting your cards from accidentally flipping over as you reach for that beer, you’ll look like a pro. Actually, you’ll look more than just a pro, you’ll look intimidating as hell. You’ll have that “I’m gonna bust out a can of Texas Hold’em whoop ass,” look.

Where can you find these coins? Check out the coins at They have over 50 to choose from – all listed at $24.99. Some really smart designs and themes are available – cowboys, skulls, trains, planets, snowmen and Route 66, are but just a few.

And if what you want isn’t there, if you have your own idea for a stylin’ coin, check out Monterey Coins where they will design coins at your whim for a modest fee.

For an added touch of some personal mojo at the table, ask the players if they wouldn’t mind if you invited a guest. Before they fully answer, whip out a bobbing head of one of your favorite poker players – for instance Phil “The Unabomber” Laak, and place it on the table next to you (these can be found at as well). State that he is there merely to observe and to give you advice after the game. Warning: this will only work at home with people you know. If you do this at a public table, you’ll probably just piss a lot of people off.

But nevertheless, pull these off with nary an emotion (think like a Vulcan), and you’ll be messin’ with their minds and perhaps be messin’ with their game as well.