I'm deeply humbled, and my apologies to all, Espspecially Dom.
Ok, get your reading glasses on folks, this is going to be a long one.
I sincerely apologize for dropping off of the grid for 3(?) months. I am in a better place right now (Emotionally), and have finally gathered up the courage to come and face those who I have hurt(?) and worried to death. Until now, I have been seriously avoiding this. Although I do realize that all of you did miss me, I never realized it was to this extent. It almost brought a tear to my eye reading this thread (yes, all 50 posts.)
To explain my reasons (although definitely not rational by _any_ means), not to be confused with an excuse for doing what I did, I feel I must pass on a little history.
In 1993, I married for all the wrong reasons. I got my girlfriend pregnant after 2 years of dating, and we married. Although I had bouts with depression before this time, things progressively got worse. Money got tight, the credit cards offers kept coming in, the riverboat in Metropolis, IL was only 2 hours away................................
Not wanting to ruin my wife nor my child any more than I already had at that point (again, definitely not rational) I left in 1996 and moved to Delaware.
In 1998, I started having major panic attacks, along with with major depression and many other symptoms. This led to my not being able to work a full-time job, and in the end, my applying for Social Security Disability. I finally won my case on the second try in 2000, and am on it to this day, and have been in the psych ward a number of times. The good news is, I haven't been in one for at least 5 years now, thanks to a lot of therapy to learn how to cope in not-so-self-destructive ways.
fast forward to Summer '07:
One day, I saw a post from Dom in the "Help Wanted" section, and I wrote her. To make a long story short, she put faith in me, and offered me a position, which I graciously accepted. I won't go into details, because I feel that's between Dom and myself.
Things went very well for a number of months...Dom's team is top notch, and a great group. I highly respect every one of them.
Then, everything changed for the worse. I can honestly say that although I was a problem gambler 15 years ago, it had _nothing_ to do with what happened.
I could go on and on describing what I go through when my symptoms kick in, so here's a link describing my DX, if you're not familiar with it already:
The problem is, as everyone has seen, one day things can be
perfect, and the next day will start a few months of (literally) hell. I didn't talk to nobody. My friends here at CM aren't the only ones, either. I usually talked with my mom and son twice a week, and they suffered because of my illness as well.
I thought about everyone pretty much _every day_ since my disappearance, but basically told myself that I was horrible, and nobody wanted to even see me online here, let alone talk to me, because of what I had done. It's an evil rut so much that when you're in that position, you can't get out of it.
As I had said in the beginning, I am finally in a better place, and have been for a few weeks. At first, I just wanted to see if anyone was even talking about me, and decided to log in in 'invisible' mode, so I could take my lashing in private...
But, DAMN, was I wrong.
And to try and make things right, as soon as I finished reading this thread, I replied immediately.
So, to wrap things up, I offer MY SINCERE APOLOGY to the entire CM community.
I'm not asking to be forgiven for my actions, but if you do, I absolutely appreciate it. In no way did I do this maliciously.
And on a side note, my eye surgery date finally came today. From what I can see(pun intended), the operation was a great success. Although far away stuff is a little blurry right now, I'm blessed with only seeing one of everything, as opposed to double, and from what the surgeon told me before the surgery, my sight will only get better within the next month.
-fin
THANK YOU, EVERYONE HERE AT CM FOR BEING MY FRIENDS AND CARING AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
edit: Looking back, I do see that it wasn't 3 months and was closer to 4.5.
Talk about losing time/not realizing how fast time is going by.
Really glad to see ya. I had to reread the thread cuz I couldn't remember what horrible uncool thing you had to apologize to us for doing............and try as hell to find something, I could not find anything you had to apologize to us for doing
and Thank god you are feeling better. I missed you!!! Welcome back :Angel:
Glad things are better for you. And thanks for letting us know you're ok. 
