whats your strangest work excuse? beat this one lol!!!!

GGW Laurie

Well-Known Member
Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next
day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as
extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the
corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise
moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly
offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational
thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent
rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine
region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself
lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there,
done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!


Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
 

happygobrokey

Dormant account
:eek: brutal dude! you know that feeling when a cat scratches you, it hurts more than a normal scratch... *wince, shudder*

:thumbsup:
 

1819

Dormant account
i was late for practice and did not offer an excuse. i was fined 500 bucks. later that night a reporter asked why i was so late and was i possibly nursing an injury? i told him i had chapped lips. i got fined another 500 for being a wise ass.
 

babs7262

Banned User
This is long but worth it!!

Im gonna regret this one and I will deny it to my death unless my best friend/boss at the time is around to attest to the truth of this unfortunate reality

Let me begin by saying that I didnt call out for one day, I had to call out for the entire week! Why? Hmm where do I start, I have a feeling only a true curvy to slim woman can really appreciate this.

I feel the need to start from the beginning because I dont want people to think I was some sort of Club slut. OMG...I havnt talked about this for over 15years. This is a doozy and I truly wish it were a lie

I was married before Rich was my husband, He was a football player for MN but it didnt last because of three knee injuries. Anyway, he was kind of egotistical. So...I got married, gained weight, lots of weight (found out it was my thyroid) he cheated, we divorced and I had very low self esteem

I decided to do what it took to lose the weight I gained because I couldnt get a date if I paid them. Week after week at Enchante (a club in cherry hill NJ, there were those NJ chicks with the tight bodies and big hair (1980's) Bally will know what Im talking about lol. They would snub me off and guys wouldnt dance with me

I lost the weight, Got an agent (for modeling, she came up to ME with her card) I have ARRIVED and I was gonna find the most handsome man with the best body, best eyes, best hair etc...and make all those chicks wish they were me!! And I did....It took about 10 minutes to get this guys attention. (now it would take 10 years lol) He was hot!! He was from Australia (a huge plus, what an accent) He was the guy who painted a mural on Donald Trumps Yacht that to this day is at the Marina. His name was Gary and you got it, I took him home that night and screwed my brains out with the hottest guy in town!!! THat was a friday. He took me out saturday and sunday too. He loved brunettes...hahahahaha you blondes out there!!

Monday morning: I wake up, I can barely walk. I go to the bathroom HOLY SHIT!!! The burnnnnnnn. I thought, oh no...i got an STD........NOT... I went to the ER because the pain was unbarable(sp) and who was my family dr you ask? my uncle!. The Dr asked me about my weekend. I had to tell him the truth which was this: I had sex with a man who had a joint the size of an elephant!! The Dr said "I knew it was something because it looks like it was so big it touched your gallbladder and caused an infection"

My hand to God...this is true.....This man was so huge he put me in bed for a week and I had to tell the truth because my best friend (who witnessed me taking him home) was also my boss. At first she didnt believe me LOLOL.....Could I make this up? She thought I wanted the week off because he was only in town for a week. She came over with dinner that night (Mon) and saw me laying in bed with an ice pack on my cooch and a bottle of narcotics for the pain. She laughs and says "OMG, only this could happen to you, Im glad he didnt llike blondes" She didnt know what to telll her boss so she is the one that had to lie and make up a story because it was too humiliating to tell the truth.

He called me the next time he was in town and I told him he was too big for me and I cant see him anymore....he said "All the girls say that, and I really liked you too, can we try it another way? " I said no, I cant afford to lose my job!

The End
 

RobWin

closed account
Babs, that is one hell of a story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading that one. Damn between you and Wanda writing all of this erotica tonight...@#&*^%($#:notworthy..... all I can say is Did you enjoy it ?.....:D
 

babs7262

Banned User
LMAO Rob

I wish! atleast it would of been worth it, I was trying to hard for it not come out of my frikin throat hahahaha

That guy belongs in Ripleys!:eek:
 

RobWin

closed account
LMAO Rob

I wish! atleast it would of been worth it, I was trying to hard for it not come out of my frikin throat hahahaha

That guy belongs in Ripleys!:eek:
OMG !..I'm going to have to go get my wife to come and read this story...I know she will enjoy it....:cool:
 

ballysdb

Dormant account
Oh Babs... a girl after my own heart!!! Love that story! I'm too drunk right now to comment further. Love ya!
 

GGW Laurie

Well-Known Member
Im gonna regret this one and I will deny it to my death unless my best friend/boss at the time is around to attest to the truth of this unfortunate reality

Let me begin by saying that I didnt call out for one day, I had to call out for the entire week! Why? Hmm where do I start, I have a feeling only a true curvy to slim woman can really appreciate this.

I feel the need to start from the beginning because I dont want people to think I was some sort of Club slut. OMG...I havnt talked about this for over 15years. This is a doozy and I truly wish it were a lie

I was married before Rich was my husband, He was a football player for MN but it didnt last because of three knee injuries. Anyway, he was kind of egotistical. So...I got married, gained weight, lots of weight (found out it was my thyroid) he cheated, we divorced and I had very low self esteem

I decided to do what it took to lose the weight I gained because I couldnt get a date if I paid them. Week after week at Enchante (a club in cherry hill NJ, there were those NJ chicks with the tight bodies and big hair (1980's) Bally will know what Im talking about lol. They would snub me off and guys wouldnt dance with me

I lost the weight, Got an agent (for modeling, she came up to ME with her card) I have ARRIVED and I was gonna find the most handsome man with the best body, best eyes, best hair etc...and make all those chicks wish they were me!! And I did....It took about 10 minutes to get this guys attention. (now it would take 10 years lol) He was hot!! He was from Australia (a huge plus, what an accent) He was the guy who painted a mural on Donald Trumps Yacht that to this day is at the Marina. His name was Gary and you got it, I took him home that night and screwed my brains out with the hottest guy in town!!! THat was a friday. He took me out saturday and sunday too. He loved brunettes...hahahahaha you blondes out there!!

Monday morning: I wake up, I can barely walk. I go to the bathroom HOLY SHIT!!! The burnnnnnnn. I thought, oh no...i got an STD........NOT... I went to the ER because the pain was unbarable(sp) and who was my family dr you ask? my uncle!. The Dr asked me about my weekend. I had to tell him the truth which was this: I had sex with a man who had a joint the size of an elephant!! The Dr said "I knew it was something because it looks like it was so big it touched your gallbladder and caused an infection"

My hand to God...this is true.....This man was so huge he put me in bed for a week and I had to tell the truth because my best friend (who witnessed me taking him home) was also my boss. At first she didnt believe me LOLOL.....Could I make this up? She thought I wanted the week off because he was only in town for a week. She came over with dinner that night (Mon) and saw me laying in bed with an ice pack on my cooch and a bottle of narcotics for the pain. She laughs and says "OMG, only this could happen to you, Im glad he didnt llike blondes" She didnt know what to telll her boss so she is the one that had to lie and make up a story because it was too humiliating to tell the truth.

He called me the next time he was in town and I told him he was too big for me and I cant see him anymore....he said "All the girls say that, and I really liked you too, can we try it another way? " I said no, I cant afford to lose my job!

The End
....youve won hands down on this one:lolup:...laurie
 

Jasminebed

Grumpy old gal
Calling in "Well"

Hi. Cannot top those excuses, but I worked at a great law firm that gave every employee two "well" days a year. Just got to call in 'cause you felt too good to spend the day at work. Got two less sick days a year (10 instead of twelve) than other places might have, but they had very little abuse of sick time.

Came in to a previous boss and convinced him to let me go home at 10:00 a.m. after dealing with the most urgent mail because I had "Spring Fever". That first sunny day in March that you begin to believe that winter might truly end, and the temperature goes over 50F. Had to wait until April here in Ontario for that day.
 

happygobrokey

Dormant account
Hi. Cannot top those excuses, but I worked at a great law firm that gave every employee two "well" days a year. Just got to call in 'cause you felt too good to spend the day at work. Got two less sick days a year (10 instead of twelve) than other places might have, but they had very little abuse of sick time.

Came in to a previous boss and convinced him to let me go home at 10:00 a.m. after dealing with the most urgent mail because I had "Spring Fever". That first sunny day in March that you begin to believe that winter might truly end, and the temperature goes over 50F. Had to wait until April here in Ontario for that day.
nice thread bump! jas you rule. you might even make a great stand-in for pinababy.

how could i have missed babs' juicy revelation? dang babs, you fiesty! :icon_twis:thumbsup:

and "well days" is a kickass idea too. there are those rare times when you just have to go golfing or bathe on the beach. the work will still be there tomorrow lmao:thumbsup:
 

happygobrokey

Dormant account
it's in "black and wheat" on the internet, you'll never live it down :D;)

and you tell it so well. did you ever write professionally? i think i remember someone here used to have a published column in a newspaper. hey, maybe you and the gals can team up and write a complement to bryan's newsletter. call it matron mail.

:thumbsup: ........anyone notice the webmaster section is still for matrons only?
 
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