The (un)Official Casinomesiter Guide to Panic Buying!

dunover

Unofficial T&C's Editor
Staff member
webmeister
PABnonaccred
PABnononaccred
CAG
mm3
Joined
May 22, 2012
Location
the bus shelter, opposite GCHQ Benhall
How to Panic-Buy Effectively.

OK, as the end of civilization draws near, the world population intends to bow out with a frenzy of pasta cooking and ass wiping. Naturally supplies of those items are limited, so here's how to secure your part in the end game.

1. ALWAYS be first to the supermarket and in the queue at opening time. Be prepared to use lethal force against queue jumpers.

2. Wear ear defenders and a lightweight nylon waterproof jacket. This ensures safety if you have a sheep or lambs-wool allergy, and the cacophany of baaaa-ing and bleating can induce stress and lessen your mental capacity to strategize your shopping.

3. ALWAYS bring a friend or partner and plan beforehand by identifying the two or three most vital items. As soon as you enter, the non-trolley pusher shuld run to say the bog roll aisle while you hit the dry pasta and rice.

4. Meet up as soon as possible after claiming the essential non-perishables on your list. This means one party can clear goods from the shelves whilst the other watches the trolley - remember 'ratting' may occur. This is when an unsuccessful shopper uses distraction tactics and snatches bog rolls from your trolley, or their accomplice does.

5. You can't break the law right? So no carrying of offensive weapons allowed - it just so happened you needed an aluminium rolling pin or paring knife though! This was picked and placed on top of your trolley naturally. This must be a final resort and retaliatory, in accordance with the law.

6. Once you have secured first-priority supplies, think of the secondary goods which are maybe perishable or have limited fridge/freezer life. For example cheese or minced beef to go with pasta dishes, or frozen chicken portions to utilize with the 50 jars of Uncle Ben's Korma and Tikka Masala sauce and 10kg of wholegrain rice you've got.

7. If you have spare freezer capacity or another in your garage say, chuck out any old or out-of-date food to maximize space for new supplies. Bread takes up a lot of room, so think about buying flour and tins of yeast instead.

8. Your low-priority goods should be centred around highly concentrated calories in small volume products to ensure survival. An example could multipacks of Mars Bars or cheap digestive biscuits etc. You need vitamin C and Iron etc. so long life orange juice cartons are good. If not, buy vitamin supplements as these will prevent teeth loosening via scurvy and result in you being able to eat your final meals with your own teeth intact, which may be essential if you've only got hard, dried pasta twists left.

9. When arriving home, make sure you walk down the drive laden with your supplies, big smug grin showing as the weak and elderly pensioner next door peers out of their window forlornly. Remember, there's NO friends in a survival situation so don't feel tempted to offer assitance or help. After all, when they expire there could be some old tins of food in their house which they were too weak to open and you could add to your stocks.

10. SECURITY! There will desperate and starving gangs walking the streets so ensure your most important supplies are kept within your main house and not outbuildings and be prepared to defend them. This may necessitate sleeping in shifts so be prepared. Make sure there is only one way in and seal up all other points of entry - there are numerous items and products in a normal household which can be fashioned into lethal weapons and I assume you've consulted other sources to be availed of this information.

Keep tuned in to the Government's news channels at all times. You can never have too much information and social media may still be operating with useful advice and up-to-date information. A recent example was that males can become immune to COVID19 for up to 4 hours by slamming their penis in a car door. The rise in endorphins apparently prevents the virus from locking on to vulnerable cells for a certain period. Tips like this could save your life and ensure you enter the post-apocalyptic era.

Good Luck!
 

steveh35

Ueber Meister
Joined
Aug 25, 2010
Location
doncaster
bidet? I knew that you were posh but hiding it so you don't live in a council house and claim benefits?

Can you claim benefits if you have a bidet as long as Mrs Dunover can have her platinum washing up liquid you should be ok.
 

dunover

Unofficial T&C's Editor
Staff member
webmeister
PABnonaccred
PABnononaccred
CAG
mm3
Joined
May 22, 2012
Location
the bus shelter, opposite GCHQ Benhall
Apparently the panic buyers were in Thu/Fri. It was all normal, in fact quiet for a Sunday and I was faced with pallets of 24-pack bog rolls immediately I walked in. There was handwash, giant bags of pasta twists and rice, no problem. The only issue was the antibacterial Fairy Platinum space was empty.
 
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