Stressing out, need some advice

[chayton]

I'm sorry for the long post and maybe TMI for some but I've got this terrible family situation going on and I don't know what to do - I'm stretched to my last bloody nerve and could really use some helpful advice.

I have a brother that I haven't seen or spoken to for about 9 years - he's an evil violent drunken scumbag and I had my last run-in with him when my dad was dying - that's a different story that I won't bore you with. Anyhow I'll try to keep it brief and just hit the salient points. He moved out to where my mom lives and shacked up with some young girl almost 30 years younger than him and had a couple of kids with her. They constantly had the cops out there because they were always fighting - and I'm not talking just raised voices - and the kids were taken away and given back several times. Finally after a couple of years they broke up.

He got thrown in jail a couple of times and before the custody hearing he had to quit drinking for three months and they were testing him every couple of days. Once he came back clean the court decided on shared custody.

Every place he's ever lived has holes in the walls from him punching them. He works once in awhile but he's got a bad rep so most people don't want to hire him. And IMO the only reason he want to have custody is first to get back at their mom (they hate each other) and also they're his meal ticket. My mom of course loves those kids, they're her only grandkids and she didn't want to see them go into foster care, so she made sure that he had a place to live and his vehicle was running and has gas and he has food in the fridge and his medical and car insurance and other bills were getting paid.

So he gets the kids for a week and their mom gets them for a week. During his week my mom has them most of the time - not overnight because she's not allowed, but for a good part of every day. Every once in awhile he'd go off the rails until a couple days later when he needed something. Then he hooked up with some other woman and he lost his apartment. This new woman bought a house on the reservation and him and the kids moved in and he started drinking again. Then he smacked her around, then she kicked him out, then she took him back, then she kicked him out and took him back etc. Now when he gets drunk and violent she leaves and sometimes leaves him in his drunken rage alone with 2 kids under 6 years old. My mom goes and gets them sometimes and sometimes he won't let her.

Anyhow this is the thing...He's not in my life period. I want absolutely nothing to do with him because I know what he's like - I can see through his BS and I am losing patience with the people who can't see him for what he is. And while he's in the life of those kids, I can't have anything to do with them either, I've never even met them but I'm so scared for them.

But I do talk to my mom. She actually calls me every day - a few years ago I had a meltdown and told her I didn't want to hear anything about him or his life or his kids. And then I felt bad because she needs someone to talk to, even though she doesn't listen to a bloody word I say unless it's in the middle of one of his episodes. In my opinion my mom is totally enabling him...I read an article that was like it was written about them. She thinks she's doing it for the kids, she thinks that covering for him so that he doesn't lose custody and she still has access to the kids is somehow the right thing to do. And when he's not being a scumbag to her then she blames his ex for everything that's gone wrong.

And when he calls her out of the blue completely wasted and starts screaming and swearing at her and calling her a "Fat filthy old slut who's never going to see those F-ing kids again" or he screams at his 5 year old to "Quit being a f*cking baby" or worse - then she calls me. And I talk to her and give her someone to vent to...and I tell her how unhealthy that is for those kids. And she agrees with me. And I tell her that she thinks she's protecting the kids but what happens when she's gone? She's in her seventies and she's not healthy. He's a bloody 50 year old excuse for a man. And she agrees with me. And then two days later (or the next day) he calls her because he needs a free babysitter or he's out of cigarettes or he has an imaginary job interview and needs money for gas and even though he's never ONCE apologized, suddenly the next time she calls she forgets everything and talks about what her and the kids did today and how he's got this new job opportunity and he painted the kids rooms and blah fu*king blah. And I feel like a shit because I'm upset that she's happy. And then a week goes by and he breaks the kids piggy banks to buy booze and he's calling her screaming and beating up the girlfriend and she calls me and it's the same shit over and over and over.

I've looked into reporting him to child protective services but I'm in a different province and unless I see something with my own eyes they don't care. His new woman is living on the reservation so the cops can't go there. In the meantime this just goes on and every time the phone rings I feel this sense of dread and every time we go through this I'm just sick to death of the stress and the worry and it seems to be happening more frequently too.

I'm thinking I need to just cut my mom off too as long as she's got him in her life, but she's my mom and I love her and I feel like I'm being a selfish b*tch because she's got nobody else. And yet what she's doing - thinking that she's helping - is completely irresponsible and one day I know she's going to regret it. She says that he wouldn't hurt the kids...and I think that if she knew he was physically abusing the kids that she'd take him out in the woods and shoot him herself. But she doesn't see the danger - what if he passes out and burns the house down? What if he has them in the truck when he's driving drunk. What if what if....and aside from the physical danger what kind of emotional life do these kids have?

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get through to my mom. I don't know if I even want to deal with this anymore. I'm so tired - some people may thrive on this kind of drama but it's killing me a little bit at a time. I'm too old for this shit.

 

[shanetospin]

I'm sorry for the long post and maybe TMI for some but I've got this terrible family situation going on and I don't know what to do - I'm stretched to my last bloody nerve and could really use some helpful advice.

I have a brother that I haven't seen or spoken to for about 9 years - he's an evil violent drunken scumbag and I had my last run-in with him when my dad was dying - that's a different story that I won't bore you with. Anyhow I'll try to keep it brief and just hit the salient points. He moved out to where my mom lives and shacked up with some young girl almost 30 years younger than him and had a couple of kids with her. They constantly had the cops out there because they were always fighting - and I'm not talking just raised voices - and the kids were taken away and given back several times. Finally after a couple of years they broke up.

WOW!!! You really are in a predicament Chayton! I would say that if your brother causes you stress to the extent I sense in your post then you are right to cut him out of your life like you have! There is only so many times you can give a person a chance, or try and help them especially a relative, and have it go to shit every-time. It is bound to affect you when you just know that it will happen again and again! It is a bit like ground hog day in that you know for a fact that he will go get drunk again, or abuse your mum again or do something on them lines, all you know is it will happen again at some point! It is just a matter of what will he do next and when!

I wouldn't cut your mum out of your life though! After all if you put yourself in your mums shoes you would see she is probably in just as, if not more, in a worse predicament than you! After all she is also his mum too! No mother wants to see there child in the state you have described your brother. It must be hard for her to balance how you feel about your brother, and how he feels about you, and again about the way she feels about you both! I would say it sounded selfish to some extent but in crisis people have to think of their own needs and only you can really make this decision! Could you not just carry on having nothing to do with him and still keep your mum in your life? In a way I think your mum would see it as you making her choose between you or your brother, and although I am not a parent I would hate to have to make that choice or even see a parent have to choose between one of their children! You can only help someone to a certain extent, it is up to your brother to want to make a change after that!

In regards to the children, I'm sure that schools if they are old enough to go etc. would look out for anything suspect such as neglect but if you have serious concerns then you should keep reporting it until you have someone that at the very least checks it. In the UK if someone reports anything suspect such as neglect to Social Services then have a duty to investigate the situation to see if the situation needs intervention, I'm not sure what the procedures are where you are (I think I seen Canada)!

That said you've always seemed a nice geezer from my time over the years on here, do what makes you happy and what you think is the right thing for you! But keep your mum in your life You only have one!! I seriously hope you find a balance to the situation for all parties

Regards
Shane AKA MA Social Work Student

 

[Tirilej]

I've been dealing with these kind of problems all of my life so I can relate.
The hardest thing anyone can do is actually to cut of all connections to another family member. They are the ones that knows you in and out, and are suppose to love you no matter what.
I normally want to see something good in all people but after what you've told about your brother then he doesn't deserve anything, and you've done the right thing not having him in your life.
But your mother she won't give her son up. I don't think she could even if he didn't have the kids. The sad part with that is that you and everyone else around you also will continue to suffer from his doings as long as you let her use you.

I write use you because she is using you. She knows you don't like what she's doing supporting him, but still she wants you to support her. Who is the adult in this?
So my advice to you is to take at least a break from her. Tell her why, be honest, and do it for yourself and those around you.
That does not mean you don't love her, or that you let her down. Maybe it can be a way to make her listen.

I'm sure everyone else will talk about the kids and how to solve that part, so I won't mention it but going to sleep instead
I hope you will get some good advice and good that you had the guts to post it. Just getting it printed can help.

 

[chayton]

Actually now that I've seen the news I feel like a real shit for even posting, I didn't look at the news or have the tv or radio on all day.

 

[Googobucs]

You should not feel bad about posting this because of something else going on in the world. Your obviously going through a lot and would not have posted this if you did not need to let off some steam and get your own house in order. Nothing wrong with that.

I think it can't hurt to seek out someone professional to talk to about these things and the feelings your having. I agree with Tirilej that it's time to take a break from mom and be sure to tell her why.
See if you can have a compromise with mom to not discuss your brothers life at all once the break is over. If not then the break should continue.
A therapist can better guide you on things like this. I also think it's important to maintain a relationship with an elderly parent while they are still here for you spend time with, but it should be quality time.

 

[bigjohn]

Moms are the best and alcohol addiction is a destroyer of lives.

I live with a similar situation but not quite as bad as you have described. My Mom is 84 years old and my brother is an alcoholic, as was my Father. How many times my brother hooked up with some girl he met on the internet, moved in with her, got arrested and called home for help. I would say, "eff him, let him sit in jail for a while" and my Mother would plead with me to go get him, bail him out, give him a ride back home (one time I had to drive all the way out to Yarmouth, Massachusetts).

At one time I shared a mortgage with him on our family home and we got a joint bank account for home expenses. I would put my share in every week, he would put in some and then take out more and my mortgage check bounced a few times. When I took him off the title to our home I had to pay off his DWI fines and back child support to the tune of about $40,000 added to my mortgage. There are many more parallels but it is all very similar to anybody else who has to deal with a stinking drunk in the immediate family.

I do what I do because that is what my Mother asks me to do and she will not be around forever.

Young kids really complicate things in your situation and I really feel for you. Keep reporting him to any authorities that will listen and try to keep your Mom happy. From what I have witnessed it is nearly impossible for a parent to turn their back on any of their children, Google 'Lionel Dahmer' ok.

You love your Mother, he is using her. I know it's hard but don't make her live without the loving part. (Only my advice)

PS, maybe print out your original post in this thread and mail it to him anonymously.

 

[Hydr0]

Moms are the best and alcohol addiction is a destroyer of lives.

I live with a similar situation but not quite as bad as you have described. My Mom is 84 years old and my brother is an alcoholic, as was my Father. How many times my brother hooked up with some girl he met on the internet, moved in with her, got arrested and called home for help. I would say, "eff him, let him sit in jail for a while" and my Mother would plead with me to go get him, bail him out, give him a ride back home (one time I had to drive all the way out to Yarmouth, Massachusetts).

At one time I shared a mortgage with him on our family home and we got a joint bank account for home expenses. I would put my share in every week, he would put in some and then take out more and my mortgage check bounced a few times. When I took him off the title to our home I had to pay off his DWI fines and back child support to the tune of about $40,000 added to my mortgage. There are many more parallels but it is all very similar to anybody else who has to deal with a stinking drunk in the immediate family.

I do what I do because that is what my Mother asks me to do and she will not be around forever.

Young kids really complicate things in your situation and I really feel for you. Keep reporting him to any authorities that will listen and try to keep your Mom happy. From what I have witnessed it is nearly impossible for a parent to turn their back on any of their children, Google 'Lionel Dahmer' ok.

You love your Mother, he is using her. I know it's hard but don't make her live without the loving part. (Only my advice)

PS, maybe print out your original post in this thread and mail it to him anonymously.

Hey mate,

Thanks for sharing something so personal. Can't have been easy.

That's a really tough set of circumstances, and I empathise with you entirely.

I read through your post carefully, and I believe you know how to handle this in the best possible way.

You obviously have a very good insight into all the stuff that's been going on.

Really hope things improve in future, and that you find some peace.

Hang in there buddy, and best wishes!

 

[nepatsfan01]

Boy, am I sorry you have to go through this I think a lot of us can relate to this kind of family drama in some way or another, and although I don't know you personally, I felt like I should offer some advice from someone who has family who had their own issues.

Get the kids out now. Now matter how you have to do it. It doesn't matter if you are in a different province. Call anonymously and tell them you saw something. Ask your mom details when she calls on one of her venting calls and find out details and then call them and say you want to leave an anonymous tip about seeing or hearing him treat the kids badly. Just get those kids out of that house any way you can do it.

Grandparents have rights here in the US so there is a chance your mom will still be able to see them, I'm not sure about Canada, but you have to put those kids first. Trust me, it can end up VERY badly for the children who go through this. As they get older, they get depressed, suicidal even - trust me from experience. My niece had a horrible life growing up with a mother who we considered to be an alcoholic and she did some really shady things, had serious anger issues and went through boyfriends like underwear. She had gambling issues so they were always broke and she never really learned how to parent. My niece ended up going into the Army pretty much just to get away from her mother if you ask my opinion and then succumbed to drugs that eventually led to a mental breakdown and 2 years later she is still institutionalized. Her mother (my sister) may say it was a "mental" thing, but it stemmed from years of what I think was abuse, negligence and overall rage in her mother. Trust me, it stays with those kids for their entire lives what they go through. I cut my sister out of my life when my niece first went through her breakdown because instead of going to the hospital to be with her daughter after she got hooked on bath salts, she flew back to my niece's apartment, sold all her stuff for gambling money and then didn't even see her for almost a year. A YEAR! While she rotted away in some mental institution not getting the help she deserved.

Trust me, you don't want to look back and think "coulda, shoulda, woulda" You want to take action while these kids are young and actually have a chance at a real life. Petition the courts yourself. Stalk your brother and take video of what's happening, call the cops every single day if you have to. By law they have to look into it, and if you call enough times, eventually even the child protective services will know something is going on. Make it your mission to get those kids into a better home and a better life. You may feel guilt at times, your mother may be angry, people may think you are overreacting, but I promise you, when they are in a better home you will sit back and feel total and utter relief.

I look back and think "coulda, shoulda, woulda" and it's too late for my niece. "If only" is something I say too often to myself. I would hate to see you go through the same thing. Good luck in whatever happens!!!

 

[vinylweatherman]

How about reaching out to the mother of those kids? Just because she and your brother hate each other doesn't mean YOU have to hate her as well.

She is someone the authorities will HAVE to listen to. Building a bridge between other parts of the family and the kids' mother might mean you and your mum won't lose out on seeing the kids just because your brother loses his shared custody rights. Make sure she is aware how you feel about your brother, and that you see him for what he is, rather than what your mum sees, and that you are not going to take his side just because he is family.

She may feel that the your brother and your family tricked the courts into allowing shared custody, and that your mum shields your brother from getting what's coming to him. She may not have the resources to challenge the court decision, but may well know (from her kids) what is REALLY going on, despite him having convinced the judge he is "cured" after having been clear for three months of daily testing.

With the kids so young, they may be too scared to speak out, and may need to know that an adult is prepared to back them to the hilt if they want an end to the situation. This may give them the confidence to speak out, maybe to their teachers at school. It depends very much on the atmosphere at the school, and whether children feel they can confide in their teachers about such things without landing themselves in for a beating when they get home.

The fact that he has retreated to a reservation (not something we have here in the UK) with it's own laws and policing makes it hard for the authorities to act. It shouldn't stop them acting when he or the kids venture off the reservation though, where the jurisdiction of the local police and courts applies.

 

[chayton]

Thanks everyone who responded, I've set some things in motion and now I just wait and hope for the best.

EDIT: Seriously thank you, some good advice here and I appreciate it.

 

[dunover]

Hell that is awful. The onus is the children of course, and getting complete isolation for them from their so-called father. Once this is done he can rot, and you poor ma has no excuse/leverage against her to help him. He is clearly a lost cause, beyond redemption and the kids are at a critical age now where the psychological damage will become permanent if things don't change. Clearly the social services in Canada aren't quite as organized as we are used to here, and reporting doesn't work.
I would play as dirty as I could to ensure he never gets to even see them. If only you could record his outbursts on a secret camera, and then show firstly your ma what she is subsidizing and any relevant services what the kids are experiencing. It's all very well a liberal judge/social worker hearing a version of events by rote, i.e. "he was drunk, swore, punched the wall and slapped the mother in front of them..." but seeing it in reality is 10 x worse. It would shock any decent person, and hell there's a 1% chance even the scumbag would smell the coffee. If he got pissy after losing custody, I'd put the video, edited, on social media so the world could see what a wastrel and coward he is.
Play dirty if you can, it seems the only way you'll win, as you have clearly been going round in circles for years hitherto.

Good luck and I really feel for you and can't imagine what having this situation would do to me, I can't handle anger and frustration as easily as some. x

 

[Jasminebed]

I would report what I am hearing to Children's Aid. I know here in Ontario they must investigate complaints.

Try writing your mom a long letter. She can't interrupt, it gives you time to organize your thoughts and present your case clearly.

Set some boundaries with her about talking about him. "I can't listen to this Mom. Talk to a counsellor or a minister about it, I can't handle the stress. I hate to hang up on you Mom, but I will. If you want to talk about anything else, that's fine, but not my brother."

I think VWM advice to get in touch with the children's mom is an excellent one.

You could try calling the Band Chief too for the res where they live.

Talk to your doctor too, maybe they will refer you to someone to deal with your own stress and issues.

 

[Mousey]

What an awful situation. Children are resilient... to a point. If placed in a 'normal' environment soon, they just may be ok. The things they have seen, the verbal abuse, all make my heart hurt for them. Even if their dad hasn't broken an arm or yanked a hip joint out of its socket on one of them - yet - doesn't mean it won't happen in future. In a year or two, maybe one of them talks back to him while he's roaring drunk... then what?

Unfortunately, your mother is enabling him. But we all do that with ones we love to a certain extent, and she may be one of the few things in life that is good for the children. You however, have a right to NOT wallow in the mountains of crap your brother creates.

Report what you can to whoever might be able to do something to get those kids out of that mess ... maybe their mom is a better person than their dad and can take them full time.

and one of my stories, then I'll hush up.....

Eons ago when I was a kid.... we heard that my uncle was in hospital with a gunshot wound. Seems he'd come home soggy drunk (again) usually he'd take out his meanness on the wife, and never the kids ... but that day she was out in the garden (working her ass off trying to grow something to feed 5 kids). The 15 year old son came running in from the yard when he heard his dad screaming and cussing. My uncle was slapping the crap out of his 11 year old daughter over and over because she wouldn't bring him another bottle of booze from the kitchen. He'd slap her and scream, 'You gonna go get it now?'. She'd just say, 'no', then he'd scream and curse and slap her again. The daughter dropped to the floor unconscious and the stupid SOB was still holding her by the arm (which was broken by then) and kept slapping her and screaming at her.... the boy had brought in his gun and shot his dad in the thigh (he later said he missed, he was aiming for his balls LOL).

The moral of the story is... shit happens when drunks rule the home - especially if they're mean drunks.

 

[cpdnd31]

One of the first things I would do is ask your mother " do you care about the stinking drunk or are you doing this just for the grand kids sake?'

If she says no its for the grand kids, start documenting everything every call everything heard and done to those children. get a hold of the mother and give the info to the mothers attorney. Keep calling the authorities. maybe the next time he calls your mom drunk threatening her you call the police on him. the police show up and see him drunk with the kids in the home they have to make a report.

If she says she is hoping your drunk brother changes explain to her he never will change as long as she is helping him.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place the only way out is to get involved I'm afraid. Those children may still have a chance in life but they need someone who is responsible to step up and help them.