Not about gambling per se, but about addiction.

Mar 13, 2008
I hope no one minds that I posted this here, but I thought some members that are part of this group might have something to contribute.

I'm worried about a friend of mine that I think may be having trouble with alcohol and/or prescription painkillers.

She's over 65, and frail. Barely weighs over 100 lbs and is about 5'8". Bad car accident about 6 years ago, and for past 8 has been caring for her mom with dementia. Gets little family or respite help.

Her son told me about 6 weeks ago her family had an "intervention". I don't think she's buying drugs on the street, or taking more than prescribed, but she's been on them for a lot of years because of pain.

She's had exactly 4 nights where someone else looked after her mom in the past 5 years, and two were herself in hospital.

We go out to lunch probably every 6 to 8 weeks or so, and she'll often take me with her when she grabs groceries. She'll have a small beer or glass or wine when we go out to lunch. Drop by a Friday afternoon briefly when I've invited her so a fruity blender drink.

She phone me drunk at noonish one day. She wasn't slurring, but she kept me on the phone for an hour and kept repeating herself. And then a few days later apologized, thinking it was a fivish.

Last two times she's been over has asked for a drink. She lives like two and a half blocks from me, neither time was she driving.

She helped me out Sunday with getting some medication and groceries at Walmart last Sunday, and she will rarely take any gas money. So today is respite from noon to three, I invited her to a nice lunch. She walked over and had even made some "mom care" arrangements for after respite if necessary.

She poured about 10 oz of white wine into her glass and guzzled before I was done chopping garlic. This is a bird of a woman, and before lunch was served, she had to sit down on the kitchen floor.

I'm not the judge of people, but I did tell her I'd pay a cab to not walk the two blocks home. She was very unsteady on her feet, and I'm pretty sure she had 6 drinks in less than 3 hours. This gives the driver a good tip with $5. Told her not invited back again for drinks if she refused, or she could call plan B to meet the respite worker if she cared to stay for coffee or a nap. She called me a bully. I'm okay with that, she's known that 20 years, and it's only in my own home I'm a bully, lol. Pointed out her sister would sue me if she broke something and she had to care for her mom. You are responsible in Canada for the condition of your guests leaving your home, even on foot.

I can see about 1 1/2 blocks out my kitchen window, she was staggering drunk. She is still suffering from a broken wrist not long ago, and at a fragile 65, a fall would probably break something again. Hope she made it the other block home.

Other than being a "bully" and saying you can't drink here because I worry about your safety (and my insurance) what should I say? She told me about the intervention before her son did, and she's pretty big D denial. Honestly, a few weeks ago, I didn't really realize myself. They were really worried about drugs, which I'm not sure (but no longer sure) is an issue. Except those bloody things have a life of their own, and as well all know, addicts lie.

It's only just happened, and real life friends also know this woman, I think I'd get more here with more honesty because she's not online and her family would not know me here.

I see her tomorrow for groceries. I think for know I'll just tell her I'm really pissed at her for putting me and my house at risk by staggering home, and I bloody well watched you.

I'm not always tactful. Never have to wonder where you stand, or if I'm doing something I don't want to. No one is my friend for decades without figuring out if if they are okay with that. People either love it or hate it, or both.

On the bright side, she drank 6 out of 10 servings of wine. I have 2 left for my Friday night. Honestly, I don't begrudge her the drinks, she could have passed out drunk in my spare bedroom, saying I'm sorry, I really needed this, I didn't expect it to hit me this hard, yada yada.

I'm not a teetotaler, and I try not to sit in judgement of others. Had a chat with a friend since I started this post, and he said she is probably aware of her issues, but I should still point them out and "shame" her, but not so much she stops talking to me.

Get fall down stupid drunk if you want, just don't kill yourself on the way home. And even on foot, if you step into the road and someone instinctively swerves to miss you and hits someone else, or a pet or a telephone pole to hurt their car and maybe themselves or passengers...

I worry about her, but I certainly don't want a repeat in my house. Call me selfish.

I know I am not alone in dealing with this, I always learn from other people's experiences.
Well,Jasmine that was a mouthful for sure.I will try to relate my own experience's with all of the above.It may very well be that your friend is able to let down her guard with you?She is probably always having to stay right on top of thing's being a caregiver.And she feel's at home with you enough to let her hair down.

I took care of my mother for well over 2 year's by myself. Just like your friend family are unreliable at best with these type's of issue's.They feel that the parent is intruding into their live's and they have no time to help. It is sad I must say.

My mother was a cancer patient with Mesothelioma and the last year she was alive was a tough one for me.I'am a wheel-chair bound vet and the thing's that I did for my mother were for love and to make sure she was at the least comfortable. I went day's and day's without sleep and my mind was troubled by many thing's.

If I needed a break I had to pay a private nurse to come in and take over and they are highly paid.Well over $200.00 a night,and since I had taken a break from my own life I was limited with my fund's. I must say that your friend may have a problem with letting down her guard and feel's that she is letting the parent down by taking a break?And a drink or 5 may help with the stress.I can not say for sure.

I myself have been taking pain killer's for a very very long time now.A certain amount of dependence has come from that use.I no longer drink. But I did for sure for many many year's.And I was a hard drinker I always drank to cope a buzz. But it hurt my life to do that so I quit.

It may be up to you to say something to your friend,but take heed not to be too harsh and try to be a friend and help her deal with what she may not be aware of.Taking pill's with a few drink's can lead to stumbling and sloppy talking.

Honestly though I think if you feel that having her over is too much. Then just don't offer and if she ask say no.Take that moment to bring up your concern's and the issue's you have with her action's.But remember she may have these problem's because of her caring so much for this other person that she has lost track of her own life.

Be selfish but honest and try to help your friend with these issue's and in time you both will feel better about your friendship.Good Luck! Peace Out! Out Of The Mist! shewoff
Thank you shewoff for responding with such honesty.

I don't know if I'd say I was lucky to not have had to be caregiver for my parents, but my dad was for my mom when she was terminal, and I did what I could to help when I had a young child. He had all his wits and I came up weekly for many years to help with things, but he could be by himself until he died after a brief illness.

Physical illness is one thing, and dementia coupled with physical illness is another, especially when you are not young yourself or in good health.

My poor friend is at breaking point I think. But she won't admit it, well, maybe a bit since I've been pushing for months, and somewhat so her family.

You are right, I don't want to push her away.

I suspect for some time what the occasional thing she has said and some things said to me by herself and a couple of other people, drinking alone at night is not new. Heck, I've been alone for over 10 years now, it's part of most Fridays and slotting. But the escalation is recent I think, and that's troublesome. Plus, I admit I drink, and try to moderate it so I don't have to quit.

As someone that is not exactly perfect, it's hard to comment about someone elses choices.

If she continues on this path, she won't be able to care for her mom. Her son is just a few years older than my daughter, and his son is a teen, he'd help more but his mom is the martyr kind.

We never like to ask our kids to help, it's our job .

She was near tears a few times today, because someone was looking after her, doing something for her.

My real life roomie says he thinks she either was drinking or taking pills before she got here. I'm not sure about that, because if you only weigh 100 lbs, 6 drinks in two hours will knock you on your arse.

I do know unless you acknowledge there's a problem, it won't get any better. It's tough enough when you do know there's a problem.

I really want to thank you forum friends. It always helps me to talk about a problem to get things more clear in my mind.
Most people consider addiction as a problem. It's not.
It's a way out (from the addict's point of view ,of course)
And that's the way you actually should look at it. Otherwise you may never find out what's causing it.
As long as you don't know what the problem is, you can't fix it. As simple is that .
You gonna ve to compare addiction with a tree , in a slight degree.
You gonna have to cut off the root , and this usually requires, love, time, discipline, and lot of patience.
However, It's easier said than get it done..
In some cases, gonna be very difficult and sometimes even impossible.

People with mental health problems get more quickly addicted. Double dgsis (addiction and mental health problems).

Young people are more susceptible to developing an addiction.
bcuz they have'nt a fully developed impulse control yet and therefore faster to find their way out by looking for rewards in the short term.
Young people think less forward and are more focused on the ' here and now ' ( present time ) . Not to mention, the influence of friends which plays a major role, in what circumstances you are tossed up. Your parents/your environment and on.

I my self after they shot my father dead in f of my eyes , when i was 12 ,and lots of other shit in our lives, decided to enjoy the army at my18 .
4 years in the army of which 2 years at war. lots of pain killers,
After that went to College an decided to study and get focused on learning.
My brother, joyed the service at US Army, years later started to work at the Police Department.
Well, I gusse this was our way to get rd off the frustration, keep our head cool and try to not losing it.
Everyone has his own way to deal with it.

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