You really need to set up a Blog and join Blog Catalog.
You'd probably learn a lot - and enjoy the conversations over there.
Anyhow... LOL!
After all that talking yesterday about camping - we put up the tent and went out to Abercrombie - and pitched a spot... While we were there, the camp host walked up to us and asked us if we'd like to camp host the first week of August... because she has to go out of town - and they would give us free camp spots for awhile... YAY!!!!
I'm like - SUUUUUURE...
We'd prolly be there anyway. LOL!
So we're in town briefly cause I had to go pay some bills and take care of some business - shower and get ready for Band Practice tonight - (I sing for a band/write the lyrics, etc. for an original band here... and we have a gig on August 1st at the local fair/hot summer music nights...)
Anyhow - I have to get as much practice in - cause - sigh - we aren't "GREAT" but we aren't in it to get famous - we're in it to make music... (FUNK/PUNK/Hard ROCK/BLUES - think Cindi Lauper crossed with Evanessance with Alanna Myles And cross all those music styles and voice... Add a touch of Alannis Morissette... for darkness - and well - there we are.)
So I sat down and read your reply.
Hmmmmm...
OK - so just sitting and "be"ing.. isn't your bag yet... LMAO - it wasn't mine either.
I'm telling you - this WAS NOT what I expected it to be.
It WAS NOT me... not even 3 months ago.
But something happened while I was out there - hiking the Abercrombie Trails... Something happened as I allowed myself to think while I was walking.
I don't even know how to explain it.
It was a comfortableness with my own skin... that's about as close as I can get to describing the inner feelings.
It was a "Here I am... This is me... This is all I am - this is WHO I am... I am going to be ME... And I can't be anything else. I can strive harder if needed... I can change some things... But basically - THIS IS ME... and I am content with ME... I'm not perfect... I'm not a bad person - in fact I'm a good person and I've let people walk all over me... All those times that I felt worthless - well - too bad - I know I'm not worthless now... And I'm strong... and I can be or do whatever I want to be or whatever I want to do... I can accomplish whatever I want to - and I can do whatever needs to be done. I don't have to do things I don't want to - and I don't have to put myself down to make others happy. I AM WHO I AM... This is ME"
And for some reason that let me relax.
Instead of being frustrated that my mind jumps in 18 different directions at once... Instead of being frustrated that I never did this - or that - or things were difficult... I realized that JUST being who I am IS ENOUGH now.
It's OK that I do things differently.
It's OK that I can think of things - and can't shut my mind down.
It's OK that people aren't ALL around me making noise.
And that was the hardest one...
I don't need all of those distractions any more to make myself feel comfortable.
I don't NEED anything anymore - JUST ME.
And I can do whatever I want... When I want. (Within reason, of course, mind you.)
And that's what I mean - it gave me that... Or maybe it was just THAT time in life that was going to happen - no matter what it was.
Or maybe --- it was the absence of all the hustle and bustle - the fact that I didn't have my cell phone/computer/cards/notepads/etc. with me. That I didn't have ANYTHING to do - except to think and look around.
And for the first time in my life - I realized I didn't need ALL of those CRUTCHES I'd always surrounded myself with in order to keep everything straight.
I don't know if that makes sense to you - but I felt like a kindred spirit in reading the way you wrote things out...
The way you expressed yourself.
So I felt that if I shared some of that with you - it might help you - or give you guidance (advice/wisdom/hints/ideas/etc.) in how to maybe slow down your own thinking.
Instead of putting yourself down - and forcing yourself to BE BETTER... Realizing that YOU ARE BETTER...
Realize that YOU are what you are...
Whether you have or do not have.
Whether you are doing this - or that...
You ARE who YOU are.
Nothing else matters once you realize that you don't NEED anyone or ANY THING to be who you are and to be content with that fact.
Everything else is just extra.
I mean - the statement: If you aren't happy with yourself - then no one else can be. IS SO TRUE.
Or: You must LOVE yourself - before others can love you... That too - is true.
Except I think it's more like this: YOU must LOVE yourself BEFORE YOU LET others love you.
It has been an interesting few years for me - and it has coalesced into these thinking patterns - of realizing my own self worth -and my own inner peace.
Maybe it's age.
Maybe it's maturity.
Maybe it's just realizing that truthfully I had thought I was worthless - and no matter what I achieved - it never reached the inner core of happiness or "VALUE" inside of me.
No matter what I did - it wasn't good enough to be satisfying.
No matter where I was - I wanted to be somewhere else.
No matter what I was doing - I wanted to do something else.
Until just very recently.
And that very recently - well - it was interesting. I realized that MY expectations were self destruction.
MY own mind was bent on self destruction.
Like you say gamblers aren't in it for winning - They are in it for LOSING.
Well - my own mind was setting goals that were either NOT achievable - OR - even worse - were NOT gratifying...
Why?
Because ---- I DID NOT BELIEVE I WAS WORTH SATISFYING.
But --- realizing that I was doing that to myself was a major eye opener.
And I realized it ONLY because I was taking those hikes - MAKING myself think - BY myself.
And... I realized that every goal that I had set for myself - was:
1) Either TOO simple - and therefore stupid - no challenge and useless
or
2) Was so far out of reach - it was pathetic and I was setting myself up for failure.
And completely UNFAIR to myself.
I needed to set goals I could reach - with a little challenge - and reach them - AND be happy that I reached them --- and continue on with more goals that I could do.
I needed to be FAIR to myself - and stop making life so miserable...
And STOP liking my life being miserable - because it was the only way I knew that I existed.
Call it an epiphany.
Call it whatever you like.
But for my mind - it took the calm - the serene beauty and the quiet to allow myself to think like that.
Sounds like you're at that same crossroads.
And right now you are at the hell bent on destruction phase.
And that's not a good phase to be in.
And about the HCV - you'd be surprised how most people got HCV.
Most folks think HCV is sexually transmitted - it is NOT. (It can be - if sex is violent and both the infected partner and uninfected partner are OPENLY BLEEDING.) But it is a blood borne virus - that requires infected blood to be introduced ACTIVELY into the bloodstream. It is not overly contagious.
A great example is My ex and I had many sexual encounters during our marriage - after my UNKNOWN infection with HCV and we were also involved in a car accident... I gave birth to my daughter - naturally - and No one else in our family was infected... Over 10 years of my infection without knowledge.
Another is that there have been MULTIPLE studies done on monogamous couples - both hetero and Gay - and no one passed the virus on to the other without needle usage. (In other words - no one passed it through living together or having sex.)
There have been cases of violent rape that MAY be the culprit of an infection - but that again is infection being introduced into the BLOODSTREAM.
It's an interesting topic - I have a lot of knowledge about it - and I am willing to talk to people - if they need information.
I'm not ashamed of it. Nor should ANYONE be.
It's just not information that I share - as it is personal.
I just thought it would help you to understand the full scope of the things that I have faced in the last few years - in order to exemplify the reason why I am saying that I think you just need to give yourself a break from the hustle and bustle --- AND LET YOUR MIND THINK.
And I say this - only because - it worked that way for me.
And I do realize that each person is different and what may work for one - may not work for the other.
But because I felt that you were at such a crossroads at this point in your life - that I would share with you a possible moment of hope.
Because - goodness knows - IF I CAN DO IT - anyone can.
I also think that you write very well.
I think that writing for you could be so damn cathartic that you would be amazed.
.I thought "Into The Wild" was the most ridiculous and pointless premise of any movie I've seen (I realise it was a book first, just haven't read it and never will). I don't 'get' Into The Wild and I don't 'get' Thoreau. I don't need to go risk my life or live deliberately to know that I have lived - I know that I have lived.
Ick Nasty - yuck.
While I do like some writers of the past... I can't stand pompous bastards who only wrote to demand that everyone listen to just them drone on and on about NOTHING that truly matters... LMAO - ok... Yeah - I write tremendously a lot. BUT - still - I'm not ALWAYS boring... For example... Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms - Was pure torture to read... Absolute pain... It had no plot. It had horrible imagery - it was skittish and trite. But people have hailed it as a literary masterpiece... Meh - Personally I just think it's a Literary PIECE of JUNK.
I like modern writers who move with a pace of their own. I enjoy Stephen King in his earlier writing - Tom Clancy in his OWN writing... I enjoy Fantasy and Science Fiction - and a lot of things...
I also write poetry and lyrics, in fact this is where my natural talent lay... and I am exceedingly good at it... Unfortunately - Poetry doesn't pay - and I don't know anyone in the industry who would pay me to write lyrics for them. LMAO! But I'm VERY good at it Naturally - without even trying. And can prove it... Over and Over and Over again.
Anyhow - the whole point of my telling you about myself - was to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE in your dilemma - other people have in fact, been right where you are... And many folks are still there.
It's not a matter of a problem.
It's a matter of PERSPECTIVE.
And whatever it is that allows you to change your perspective - to give you that "ooomph" or "feeling alive" or "motivation" --- that is what you need.
For me - it was camping and hiking - and JUST BEING.
Something I would have laughed at you if you had suggested it to me even 6 months ago.
Something I would have said was IMPOSSIBLE... Not likely - yah right...
Yet - it did.
And it still does.
For me - it was shutting off the external noises and needs and wants.
And listening to myself.
I'm not perfect - and still suffer from moments of self doubt - and worries.
But I know WHO I am... And WHAT I am...
And I'm content with that.
As for my first opening comment - You should write a BLOG.
YOU SHOULD.
Go to BLOGSPOT dot com - set up a blog - it's easy.
Just start writing...
Maybe use it as a diary.
Maybe use it as a memoir...
Maybe use it as a Story telling exercise...
Maybe write a bunch of fiction...
Whatever... Doesn't matter - JUST WRITE.
And maybe down the line - go back and look at it --- and pick and choose what you want... rewrite it if you want to... But put pieces together - and make a book - find an agent - or self publish it. Self market it...
Someone WILL read it.
Because you do write well enough.
And if you want to go down the Gambling writing - you already have a built in marketing niche here or online.
So just WRITE...
Stop thinking about what you will get out of it --- and just do it... Just because YOU WANT TO...
Forget about what others will think of it... Think about what you need to put on that page...
Or post.
Make sure you copyright it tho - OK?
And if you need more info on HCV feel free to ask - I'll tell you what I know.
Alright - well I've written a minor novella here - so I have to go get in the shower - and I have to get ready for band... and then we're back out camping for a day or two.
It's raining too - LMAO
Yanno - it's REALLY cool to be in the tent - and listen to the rain tap out on the top - it's very comforting.
My invite is open. Can't promise it will be the epiphany you need... But it is what worked for me.
.
