1. By continuing to use the site, you agree to the use of cookies .This website or its third-party tools use cookies, which are necessary to its functioning and required to achieve the purposes illustrated in the cookie policy.Find out more.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Follow Casinomeister on Twitter | Facebook | YouTube | Casinomeister.us US Residents Click here! |  Svenska Svenska | 
Dismiss Notice
REGISTER NOW!! Why? Because you can't do diddly squat without having been registered!

At the moment you have limited access to view most discussions: you can't make contact with thousands of fellow players, affiliates, casino reps, and all sorts of other riff-raff.

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join Casinomeister here!

Don't be a Dick (An Essay)

Discussion in 'The Attic' started by Surasanji, Mar 16, 2012.

    Mar 16, 2012
  1. Surasanji

    Surasanji Experienced Member

    Occupation:
    Call-center customer support
    Location:
    Israel
    I'd like to note, first and foremost, this post is not aimed at any individual here at CM. It is not intended to offend, or to rise ire in the cockles. (As that would be a dick move.)

    I have simply noticed quite a few posts I would consider unhelpful- and CM is a forum based on helping and education. So- I guess, this is my way of trying to help.

    I didn't write the essay. It can be found, unedited, here: You must register/login in order to see the link. and is licensed via Creative Commons. (This is actually something of an unofficial policy on Wikimedia/ Wikipedia run sites)

    I have done minor format related edits to the Essay so it'll work here a little better- as such, I re-release the subject of this post via Creative Commons!


    Don't be a Dick

    If people abided by this, we wouldn't need any other policies about behavior. most behavioral rules are special cases of this one. Implicitly or explicitly calling people dicks is a dick-move: don't use this essay as a justification to do so.

    "Don't be a dick*" is a fundamental rule of all social spaces. Every other policy for getting along with other humans is a special case of it. Although nobody is expected to ban or block somebody for dickery (as this itself would be an instance of such), it is still a bad idea to be a dick. So don't be one. If a significant number of reasonable people suggest, whether bluntly or politely, that you are being a dick, the odds are good that you are not entirely in the right.


    Being right about an issue does not mean you're not being a dick! Dicks can be right — but they're still dicks. If there's something in what they say that is worth hearing, it goes unheard, because no one likes listening to dicks. It doesn't matter how right they are.

    Being a dick isn't equivalent to being uncivil or impolite (though incivility and rudeness often accompany dickery). One may be perfectly civil and follow every rule of etiquette and still be a dick. Standard dick-moves, for example, include such things as willfully (but politely) drawing attention to genuine (but inconsequential) errors in spelling or grammar of an interlocutor's comments, disregarding the Chomskian distinction between language competence and language performance. So the use of a vulgar term here to convey the concept is intentional, and distinguishes this principle from issues of politeness and other protocols of interaction. Avoiding dickery is not simply a matter of observing the more obvious rules of etiquette, but is a broader and more important concern, generally involving the practice of maintaining a position of respect for the intrinsic qualities of another person during the course of interaction – or else gently cutting the interaction short. Truly, being civil and polite means that you do show respect for others (such as in not pointing out needless grammar issues), even when right.

    Respect others, even when you disagree. Sometimes the best weapon is to disarm your opponent by disarming yourself (via civil and constructive behaviour), transforming an opponent into a collaborator. Subduing one's opponent without fighting is not only the highest form of mastery, it is also a winning solution for all editors (or Forum Members, in our case) involved, as well as the encyclopedia (Forum, for us here at CM). Benjamin Franklin wrote: "He that has once done you a Kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged."

    Coping with accusations of dickery


    If you've been labeled as a dick, especially if you have been told this by several people in a particular community, it might be wise to consider the possibility that the accusations hold at least some measure of truth. If you suspect that you may have a problem with dickery, the first step is to become aware of it. Ask yourself what behaviour might be causing this perception, and if you can't work it out, politely ask those that perceive it to explain or clarify. Once you have determined which behaviours are causing the problem, try changing them and your mode of presentation. In particular, identify the harsh manners in your communications and replace them with softer ones.


    Honestly examine your motivations. Are you here to contribute and make the project good? Or is your goal really to find fault, get your views across, or be the one in control? Perhaps secretly inside you even enjoy the thrill of a little confrontation. This may not make you a bad person, but to everyone who is busily trying to build something great, you become an impediment. People get frustrated, rancour ensues, the atmosphere changes, and the whole project suffers. Are you here to give, or to take?


    If appropriate, publicly apologize to anyone to whom you may have been a dick. It's okay; this won't make you seem weak. On the contrary, people will take notice of your willingness to renounce dickery and will almost always meet your efforts with increased respect.

    How to deal with dicks without being a dick yourself

    Telling someone "Don't be a dick" is generally a dick-move — especially if true. It upsets the other person and reduces the chance that they'll listen to what you say.

    Focus on behaviour, not on individuals. Say what you want and why you want it. Say why you think the other person's behaviour is counter-productive. Assume good faith to the maximum extent possible. If you don't understand why someone is doing something, ask. Don't rush to complain until you are sure that good faith negotiations can't work. Understand before insisting on being understood.

    Remember that your perception can be wrong. If the other person is writing in an unfamiliar language, or has a different cultural background, you may misunderstand their intentions.

    Above all, be genuine. Don't ask questions when you know the answer. Don't say you want one thing if you want another. Don't try to persuade people of things that aren't true. Do not respond to dickery in kind.

    * The term "dick" in this essay is generally defined as "an abrasive and inconsiderate person" of any gender. Therefore this is an essay about obnoxious behavior.
     
    2 people like this.
  2. Mar 16, 2012
  3. bb28

    bb28 Meister Member

    Occupation:
    Customer Service
    Location:
    US
    Last time I checked CM didn't make you the dick police? :D:D

    Yep.......I know, I'm being sort of a dick myself with that comment but..........

    Also, I think you are being dickish yourself having the balls to post that. :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. Mar 16, 2012
  5. Surasanji

    Surasanji Experienced Member

    Occupation:
    Call-center customer support
    Location:
    Israel
    It was a secret ceremony. No one can talk about it. I will be publicly disavowed as the dick police if anyone is asked.

    Honestly, its just something that bothers me: I've gotten a lot of help from this forum. I love the community here at CM.

    So, its my equally honest hope that the post will just serve as a reminder to what our mothers taught us all already ;)
     
  6. Mar 16, 2012
  7. Tirilej

    Tirilej Still a Lady CAG MM

    Occupation:
    Breathing
    Location:
    Sweden
    It's hard reading something like that.
    I can honestly say that I have not been a dick in this forum, but I used to be one in real life:oops:

    I grow older and become wiser, but reading made me take a look at myself in the way I'm treating Dick's instead and that was a tough one:eek2:

    The most difficult thing is to not get angry and react to fast. Because if I prevent myself from responsing immediately I can see things from the posters point of view, and try not to start a fight.

    All of what you have written there Surasanji goes for real life behaviour also....
    ...and it's awfully hard to be a human sometimes, and harder to be human;)
     
    3 people like this.
  8. Mar 16, 2012
  9. Seventh777

    Seventh777 RIP Roy

    Occupation:
    Builder, mainly renovations.
    Location:
    Planet Tharg, dark side, where nothing grows.
    That`s what she said :eek2:, awww come on, there`s no way in hell i`m gonna miss that one lol.
     
  10. Mar 16, 2012
  11. Tirilej

    Tirilej Still a Lady CAG MM

    Occupation:
    Breathing
    Location:
    Sweden


    Don't make this in to that kind of thread Roy...please? It's serious stuff here. Don't be a Dick;)
     
    1 person likes this.
  12. Mar 16, 2012
  13. Seventh777

    Seventh777 RIP Roy

    Occupation:
    Builder, mainly renovations.
    Location:
    Planet Tharg, dark side, where nothing grows.
    Hahaha, well done hun, i`m proud of you ;).
     
  14. Mar 16, 2012
  15. Surasanji

    Surasanji Experienced Member

    Occupation:
    Call-center customer support
    Location:
    Israel

    derail/ That's what she said is classic. CLASSIC!!!

    But. For something a little more self-deprecating (and less sexist)- say 'In my mouth' any time you'd say 'That's what she said'

    Results are hilarious. :p

    ... At least to me.
    / Derail
     
    1 person likes this.
  16. Mar 16, 2012
  17. bryand

    bryand Beach Bum PABnonaccred mm1

    Occupation:
    Legal
    Location:
    Just Across the Hudson River
    LMFAO at the phrase "dick police". Now THAT was classic, bb.
     
  18. Mar 16, 2012
  19. chayton

    chayton aka LooHoo CAG PABnonaccred webmeister

    Occupation:
    Freelance Designer
    Location:
    Edmonton Canada
    I read the essay and I'm sorry, but every time I read the word 'Dickery' my brain said 'hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock' :p
     
    1 person likes this.
  20. Mar 16, 2012
  21. Seventh777

    Seventh777 RIP Roy

    Occupation:
    Builder, mainly renovations.
    Location:
    Planet Tharg, dark side, where nothing grows.
    You worry me sometimes, you really do :eek2:.
     
    1 person likes this.
  22. Mar 16, 2012
  23. Seventh777

    Seventh777 RIP Roy

    Occupation:
    Builder, mainly renovations.
    Location:
    Planet Tharg, dark side, where nothing grows.
    I remember a few years ago working on a site that had MOD (Government) Clerk of the Works and the top one was a female (questionable) right out of hell, anyway`s, long story short, she called for my work partner and me to go into her office one Monday morning, I told Karl (my close friend and work partner) I was going to `That`s what she said` her at every opportunity. She started rabbiting on and on and finally came down to filling and making sure to use clean cold water :rolleyes: and a correct mix, she had barely finished the sentence when I `That`s what she said` her, and Karl is re-known for his giggling fits, which in due turn started me off, she kicked us out of her office and told us to return when we had grown up pmsl.

    Her statement `You have to make sure it`s solid enough, or it won`t fill the hole properly`, no way on earth I was gonna let that beauty go lol.
     
    1 person likes this.
  24. Mar 16, 2012
  25. chayton

    chayton aka LooHoo CAG PABnonaccred webmeister

    Occupation:
    Freelance Designer
    Location:
    Edmonton Canada
    :lolup: And you worry me ALL the time.

    ok now let's stop derailing this thread. Getting back on topic...Some of my best friends are very blunt and honest - and while I appreciate that in people, other people might find it offputting, or even dickish. So maybe my tolerance for that kind of thing is pretty high, but I think it's about perception. For instance, if I was a sensitive person, I could choose to take Roy's comment, "I worry about you..." as an insult or a slur, but instead I choose to take it as a joke - which I'm pretty sure is how it was intended.

    Although I have to say that in my years here as a member of this forum, I've seen some really nasty behavior from people. I'm not talking about someone saying, "Your ideas are nonsense" - I'm talking about really derogatory insults, swearing and namecalling and threats. But those people are gone pretty quickly, I personally think Bryan and the mods do a great job keeping the forum free of stuff like that. :thumbsup:
     
    4 people like this.
  26. Mar 16, 2012
  27. Nifty29

    Nifty29 Dormant account

    Occupation:
    PAID CASINO SHILL
    Location:
    Turn right, then right. then right again
    If telling someone they're a dick (which you must be or you wouldn't consider the thread necessary) is a "dick move", then aren't you being a dick by starting this thread?

    Sorry, but we don't live in fantasy land....the real world is a giant mixing bowl of every kind of personality imaginable....and so is the forum to a smaller extent.

    Everyone has their own way of looking at things and expressing themselves, and as long as it doesn't breach the rules its fine. In fact, if everyone behaved like you describe above it would be an incredibly boring forum IMO.

    I don't subscribe to the "assume everyone is legit until you know otherwise" idea. It's asking me to ignore over a decade of experiences along with my gut feeling, and I think its unreasonable.

    I hope this doesn't become a "name the dick" thread as similar ones have become.

    More dickery to follow.....
     
    3 people like this.
  28. Mar 16, 2012
  29. Seventh777

    Seventh777 RIP Roy

    Occupation:
    Builder, mainly renovations.
    Location:
    Planet Tharg, dark side, where nothing grows.
    Lol, and there is a golden rule when using Fora, and that is, if it is a none hostile reply, attach a smiley to it ;).
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2012
    1 person likes this.
  30. Mar 16, 2012
  31. Tirilej

    Tirilej Still a Lady CAG MM

    Occupation:
    Breathing
    Location:
    Sweden
    I think that however anyone is feeling about this thread, it is important.

    Just read it, think about it, have your opinion but stop there.
    No namecalling, no nothing.
    We are never too old or too wise to not take a look at how we are, and how we behave.
    At least I don't think I'm the person I want to be all the time, but I'm trying, and that's all I'm asking of others too:)
     
    1 person likes this.
  32. Mar 17, 2012
  33. Surasanji

    Surasanji Experienced Member

    Occupation:
    Call-center customer support
    Location:
    Israel
    You have a lot of experience, Nifty. You're a very smart guy. I often find your posts entertaining, and usually informative.

    Some members here may feel I'm calling them out as dicks with that post. A completely legitimate, although, incorrect feeling: I found myself being snippy/dickish in a post earlier and thought to correct myself. It was not an appropriate comment to be made, it didn't help the discussion, and it only served to call someone out. I feel that behavior is unacceptable coming from someone who considers himself an adult.

    I'm not asking anyone to ignore their experience or their guts. Or anyone else's gut or experience for that matter!
    I'm just asking that every member of this forum remember that there is an actual person on the other side of that post.

    This is not a new idea. Indeed- much of society is based on what I've posted above. Most people know it as the 'Golden Rule'
    This is something that shows up in nearly every religion. It is something that has existed in philosophy since Plato. It is an element of all three ancient Chinese schools of philosophy. Its a psychological concept of the modern world. Its part of sociology.

    As you've said, we're all from different places. We're a great hodge-podge of ethnicity, language and culture made doubly confusing in the great toobs of the interweb. And an internet forum is a beautiful place- it allows for discussions with those people from around the world!

    As such, I'd rather be polite to my fellow forum members. Given that exact thing- the fact we ALL are from places that are a little different. We're all still people- and we ALL have the right to be recognized and treated as such: with respect and dignity.

    But, as with all- That's just my little opinion. And I laud the sharing of yours. Whoever you are!
     
    2 people like this.
  34. Mar 17, 2012
  35. bb28

    bb28 Meister Member

    Occupation:
    Customer Service
    Location:
    US
    The "dick" (it still makes me laugh) post has some good points and yes you are right we do need to remember that there is someone real behind a post, but I have found that if you take a strangers post on a forum too personally and it hurts your feelings and messes up your day, then maybe you need to take a step back.

    Diversity is interesting, heck disagreements are interesting, heck even meltdowns are funny sometimes, and there are some awesome mods here who take care of it when it goes too far so I fail to see the need for the hand slapping by non mods or these kind of posts meant to straighten everyone who doesn't fly by the same rules as you (general you) feels that we should all adhere to.

    This is kinda like the real world.......we all aren't gonna get along and see eye to eye.

    My 2 cents.
     
    2 people like this.
  36. Mar 17, 2012
  37. jod5413

    jod5413 Is That Better?

    Occupation:
    having a good time doing anything
    Location:
    somewhere on the planet
    Thanks, BB! I couldn't have said it better myself!!! The last thing this forum needs is another definition of how folks are acting up! Dickishness, dickery, etc., totally too much, IMO.
     
    1 person likes this.
  38. Mar 17, 2012
  39. Surasanji

    Surasanji Experienced Member

    Occupation:
    Call-center customer support
    Location:
    Israel
    I agree- we aren't all going to see eye to eye.

    And that's the beauty of a forum. Opinions or knowledge differ and we all can learn from each other, or teach each other.

    That can only happen if we're willing to listen to each other- and are willing to understand each other and empathize with one another.

    I am a dick.

    Just one in reform and aware of his past, and sometimes present douchebaggery and I honestly feel my life gets better the better I treat others.

    "Don't be a Dick" is a rule of polite society.

    As Dale Carnegie put it: "The ideas I stand for are not mine. I borrowed them from Socrates. I swiped them from Chesterfield. I stole them from Jesus. And I put them in a book. If you don't like their rules whose would you use?"

    Only I swiped mine from Wikipedia. And I put them on a forum that I love having discussions at. ;)
     

Share This Page