I love that idea i'll even get the cam out
I love that idea i'll even get the cam out lol that's even if I don't win any money. I'm game
When I hear about a way of Naughty Bingo I remember this one.
This is a cute story
Naughty Bingo nights
BY DONNA LYPCHUK
I first heard about Naughty Bingo from Ms Tress Stefania a couple of months ago. For those of you who don't know Ms Tress Stefania, she's the editor of the formerly glossy Twisted Superfreak Times,
Ms Tress Stefania has an unusual vibe. She is definitely an old soul -- slightly Parisian in that tousled Toulouse-Lautrec kind of way. She's as adorable as one of those Disney cartoon poodles, but beneath those long blonde pigtails lurks a steely old soul. I find her very disturbing. I guess it takes a lot of guts to get a magazine off the ground these days, especially a magazine like Twisted Superfreak Times, which, like revenge, has content that is best served cold.
Anyhow, Stefania is leaving for L.A. and we decided to say goodbye by playing a round of Naughty Bingo at the Living Well, along with our friend Carson T. Foster -- codename: the Ivory Viper. On New Year's Eve, I lifted Mr. Foster's kilt to say "Hello again" to the Ivory Viper, which I hadn't seen since the days when I lived with him and he used to run naked and screaming on his cell phone up and down the hallways like a Nordic Berserker raging into battle. (Mr. Foster, by the way, is holding his Kickass Karaoke at the Bovine Sex Club again on Jan. 26, and I'm hoping that the glamorous Mr. Black from Robin Black and the Intergalactic Rock Stars will show up again and blow my knickers off with his "Hi, I'm a character from Velvet Goldmine" imitation. I am grateful to anyone who supports the delusion that we live full-time in that movie.)
I know what you're thinking. Bingo. Karaoke. What the idle pleasures is going on around here? The last time Ms Tress Stefania played Naughty Bingo at the Living Well she confessed to doing something very naughty. No, naughty is too soft a word. She did something morally reprehensible. She was sitting there with her old-fashioned bingo card -- you know, the kind that has little windows that open over the numbers so the card looks like a little building -- and the woman next to her had won five vibrators. Feeling that life just wasn't fair, Stefania waited until the woman went to the washroom and stole one of her vibrators. That's almost worse than stealing another woman's man. What a wicked girl.
My interest in attending Naughty Bingo concerned winning a vibrator. I've never owned one and have always refused to buy one, as there always seemed to be plenty of real penises around -- until recently. Most women are shocked when they discover that I know nothing about vibrators, so Carson, Stefania and I came up with a couple of other uses for them so I could one day actually justify buying one. For instance, there is absolutely no reason why you couldn't use a vibrator to mix delicious drinks in tall, skinny glasses; as a cookie dough roller; to dig holes in the ground so you could plant tulips; or as a slide for a guitar. The best unusual use for a vibrator, however, has to be as a curler; you could use them to achieve that big soft '70s hair and receive a relaxing massage at the same time.
The bingo caller that night was the ugliest, meanest drag queen I've ever seen -- codename: Shirley the Whore. Shirley had hair like Danny Bonaduce and legs like Monica Lewinsky. However, she made up for her looks in charm, bellowing whatever was on her mind at the crowd. The proceeds that night were going to the Coalition Against Homophobia. In the past, Shirley told me, Naughty Bingo has raised thousands of dollars for charities such as the Christmas Wish Foundation.
Over the course of the night, Shirley held up vibrator after vibrator, but all of them seemed to be won by "guys from out of town." Lucky little Ms Tress Stefania, who once won $5,000 in the lottery (she used it to start up Twisted Superfreak Times), won twice -- an ugly T-shirt and hat, and the "Ultimate 10" Satisfier ("I want more!" stated the sexy chick in hot pants on the
package).
This vibrator was the ugliest electronic appliance I'd ever seen. It was long, skinny, shoehorn-shaped, nubby and a disgusting nicotine-stain colour. "It doesn't come with batteries!" yelled Carson, who, like most guys, is always thinking ahead. Carson and I won nothing. This, of course, was more fodder to feed our bitterness during the winter of our discontent. "We're losers in love and bingo," stated Carson, watching me fight off tears. Sadly, we left, as Stefania went off in search of an all-night Radio Shack that would sell "C" batteries.