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A little help and advice if you could?

Discussion in 'The Attic' started by mattsgame, Jan 2, 2014.

    Jan 2, 2014
  1. mattsgame

    mattsgame Ueber Meister CAG webmeister

    Occupation:
    Web Master
    Location:
    Clown Town
    I was really not sure where I should be posting this and whether I should be posting it at all.


    While most of us were celebrating New Years day, my father in law passed away. My partner is a mess and tbh I dunno what to do for her that I'am already doing. His Birthday was on the 31st of December and he only just met his granddaughter on Christmas day which has made things much worse for her. I fear she may go into meltdown and its tough because she is watching 2 children whist I am working. I have not lost any of my parents or too many close family members so I can only imagine how she feels or is thinking.

    Can anyone give me a few pointers on what else I could do to help ease her pain? (I am not looking for qualified opinions as this may come later.)

    Thank you everyone, appreciate you just listening if anything.
     
    1 person likes this.
  2. Jan 2, 2014
  3. Cleveland

    Cleveland Meister Member

    Occupation:
    Professional problem solver
    Location:
    Texas
    As you said I'm sure you are doing all you can. Everyone grieves different so it's hard to say do "x". The fact that you took the time to post and seek help tells me you are likely doing more than enough. Communication is big though. So be sure to also let them know that you "feel" like you aren't doing enough and you're unsure of what to do. They might surprise you and let you know you've done enough already or to continue doing what you're doing (if that makes sense).

    Communicate communicate communicate.

    It's also ok to grieve. Let them be a mess for a little while its natural.
     
    8 people like this.
  4. Jan 2, 2014
  5. dionysus

    dionysus can turn wine into water CAG MM

    Occupation:
    n/a
    Location:
    I'm a Canucklehead
    Honestly, there's not much you can do, grieving is a process - just be a rock and there for her and help in all the little ways...sometimes people just need someone to lean on
     
    4 people like this.
  6. Jan 2, 2014
  7. chuchu59

    chuchu59 gambling addict CAG PABnonaccred

    Occupation:
    EXECUTIVE
    Location:
    SOMEWHERE IN ASIA
    There is nothing worse than loneliness for her at this crucial stage. The fact that she looks after her 2 children is actually a blessing as they will accompany her through these testing times. Just do things as you normally do and try to make her feel your presence though you might have nothing much to say. We Chinese consider it a blessing for the elderly to meet with their grandchildren just before they pass away so in a way your father in law had his wish fulfilled.
     
    3 people like this.
  8. Jan 2, 2014
  9. LHofsdal

    LHofsdal Ueber Meister MM

    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location:
    NY
    Mattsgame-
    Sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with and your family.

    Everyone has already given you good advice, you can't go wrong following their advice.

    Hang in there.
    LH
     
    2 people like this.
  10. Jan 2, 2014
  11. jetset

    jetset Ueber Meister CAG

    Occupation:
    Senior Partner, InfoPowa News Service
    Location:
    Earth
    First off, condolences on your family loss, Matt.


    I believe that being there, understanding and support are the crucial key to these tragic situations, but there is a practical side as well, where you may be able to help.

    Wrenching stuff like sorting out the myriad things that have to be done where a loved one passes and their family members are left grieving and bereft...and in no shape to apply their minds to these practical arrangements and problems.

    But it does require sensitivity and tact, as understandably the berieved are distracted by the loss of someone they care so deeply about.
     
    2 people like this.
  12. Jan 2, 2014
  13. QueenBee

    QueenBee Experienced Member

    Occupation:
    Retired, used to be a translator
    Location:
    Denmark
    Just be there, be prepared to listen, let her talk it out.

    Wish you all the best
     
    2 people like this.
  14. Jan 2, 2014
  15. aceking123

    aceking123 Ueber Meister CAG PABnononaccred MM

    Occupation:
    chippy
    Location:
    uk
    sorry to hear that matt , sometimes just saying nothing will help , but most important part is to listen & respond when required , take over some of the chores as such & ask about all those little things you should have done but havnt , that kinda keeps there mind on other things & theres always a good sit down on the lap big hug nothing needs to be said you just doing that means a great deal ) it will get better in time trust me )
     
    3 people like this.
  16. Jan 2, 2014
  17. randomiam

    randomiam Meister Member

    Occupation:
    n/a
    Location:
    australia
    my tips from experaince

    sorry to hear about your loss .some of the best things to do are the little ones make sure al the photos or anything that reminds them of the person is clean and free from marks as even a dirty picture frame can upset make sure there's a few ready to eat meals in the fridge and mabye a bottle of wine sort things out like washing ect even if you working take the time to handle a little more house work..even take leave from work for a few days if you can or work from home just be there to listen and support them sometimes nothing needs to be said and just giving them a hug will help .let there emotions run sometimes you need to just cry over loss if not it can come out in other ways just be aware of changes to life for abit put yourself into carer mode.. hope some of this helps you :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  18. Jan 2, 2014
  19. incrediblestuff

    incrediblestuff SearchingForTheHolyGrail! CAG webmeister

    Occupation:
    Currently: Self employed, Previously: Manager
    Location:
    Mostly the Netherlands
    Really sorry to hear that mate... Some solid advice already given, i would see and try to take up an early mini vacation, so you can be there for her all the more.

    If that is out of the question, you might want to get her mother (if she is around) over and help support her in these tough times..
    Sometimes it helps to talk to a total stranger, for instance a therapist or shrink.
    My best advice, from personal experience is to talk a lot, when you are with her, and if anything, for me personally picking things up in daily life has always been balsaming for my mind, just doing everyday things somehow makes it easier to grasp.

    Also, look as much as possible to the positive: ii understand the loss seems harder due to the short period of time she actually got to meet him, but at least she got to, and maybe she will realize that that man now could die in peace (i assume he wanted to meet her for a very lo9ng time, just as much as she wanted to meet him)

    Anyway, just being there and caring is the gist of it!
    Keep strong buddy..


    (and thanks to all the people who took the time to respond - that is very nice, and once again proves this is a special crowd in here:))
     
    1 person likes this.
  20. Jan 2, 2014
  21. mrmark21

    mrmark21 Meister Member

    Occupation:
    Telecommunications Consultant
    Location:
    australia
    That's really sad. My condolences at this time...

    I can certainly understand your fear of her having a break down. My best advice for that would be to get her to see a Councillor. I'm a huge advocate for counselling I think everyone should see one. Don't let them prescribe her anything for the feelings she may be having all those pharmaceutical drugs are highly addictive regardless of what the doctor might tell you. I'm a supplement junkie and recommend Source Naturals L-Theanine Serene with Relora (I get these imported from America) these are a great natural alternative to anything the doctor might recommend. These help with stress and low moods. Melatonin is great for a sleeping aid if she is having trouble getting to sleep. Taking a Vitamin B Complex is great for energy and has a positive influence on stress.

    You could surprise her with a trip to the day spa. I have always found relaxation through a back massage or led light sauna is particularly effective at helping to lift the mood. Hire some comedy movies that will give her a good laugh although I doubt she will be able to sit through ten minutes of a movie let alone a whole movie but if she does watch a few minutes she might actually watch the whole movie and this should help to lift her mood.

    It's going to be hard. Be there for her and listen to her. She will get through this :)

    Edit: I also wanted to mention that meditation may also be of benefit as it can be great at helping to lift the mood, calm the nerves, and is actually used in alternative medicine as a very healing therapy (both mentally and physically).
     
  22. Jan 2, 2014
  23. IanO

    IanO Regular Human

    Occupation:
    Marketing and promotions
    Location:
    Ireland.
    Some good advice given so far, and you have my condolences too. If you are not already familiar with 'the seven stages of grief' it may help to provide you with a little insight. It's not a rule, and as others have pointed out everyone grieves differently and it's not always predictable or reasonable. Having suffered a recent loss myself I know first hand that nobody can say or do the 'right' thing, so dont try too hard. Just being there is often enough.

    This link goes in to a bit more details of the stages: You must register/login in order to see the link.
     
    3 people like this.
  24. Jan 2, 2014
  25. Jasminebed

    Jasminebed Closer to 100 than Birth

    Occupation:
    Not in workforce
    Location:
    Ontario
    Accept that you cannot fix this, and no, you don't really get it.

    Make sure the house and the children are clean and fed. A hug and a how you doing is great. I think at least one blind stinking drunk crying stint with someone has a real cathartic release for a lot of people.

    You don't mention if she has her mom still. If she does, she's worried about her too. Siblings are going through their own grief, and old hurts can surface at such a sad time.

    Pretty much every funeral home offers free bereavement support groups. These are people that do know what it's like.

    I know the baby is pretty young, and your oldest is still little. That's tough enough for most of us gals, and if what seems like a real depression is setting in (at least two weeks and interferring with day to day functioning), get her to her family doctor. Drugs alone are rarely an answer, but they can get you through a rough patch enough to get benefit out of counselling.

    Encourage her to talk about her childhood, to show you the man he was. And don't be short on hugs and physical touches.

    Since I am assuming your wife is a relatively young woman, most of her girlfriends will still have their dads, but if there are some older women in her life (inlaws, colleagues, aunts that are not siblings of her dad), encourage here to meet and talk with them. She has lost the first man she loved, and that's a grevious loss indeed.

    I feel for her Matt. It's been more than a dozen years since I lost my Dad, and it never quite goes away. Holidays are especially hard, doubly so when you lose someone during them I think.

    If you are religious or spiritual, try to find some comfort there. And you both look after yourselves, you have a precious family to raise still.
     
    2 people like this.
  26. Jan 2, 2014
  27. chayton

    chayton aka LooHoo CAG PABnonaccred webmeister

    Occupation:
    Freelance Designer
    Location:
    Edmonton Canada
    My condolences to you both. Although it might be helpful to stay busy with kids and chores and stuff, some people may find that a bit overwhelming when trying to deal with a loss. I'd sit down with her and see how she feels about it - if she feels like she wants to stay busy and keep taking care of the kids, that's ok - but if she's feeling like she needs some down-time, maybe see about sorting out a babysitter or if you can manage a few days at home to take some of the load off.

    Also it really helps to remember the good stuff and share happy memories of the person who's gone. Often after a person passes away - especially if the survivors are there at the end - it's too easy to get caught up in only how their life ended instead of the whole life and all of the good that came before. Encourage her to remember happier times and share memories of her dad.

    Above all just be there. Hang in there, it will get easier in time.
     
    3 people like this.
  28. Jan 2, 2014
  29. sapit222

    sapit222 Meister Minion MM PABaccred

    Occupation:
    Student
    Location:
    Sweden
    Sorry for your loss Mattsgame! Its always hard when some1 close pass away.
    You got some good advice from the other members in earlier posts.
    If you can take a few days off from work & just be there for your partner im sure it will help her.
     
    1 person likes this.

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