tomgalanis
First Look Games
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2009
- Location
- Cambridge
Make Affiliate Edge Great Again: A New Hope
Starring
AffPower (AP) as Emperor Steve Bannon
Stuart Ferster (SF) as Daft Donald Trump
Stuart/Warren Ferster (CB) as the Cock Brothers
Martyn/Karolina as the Swamp
Affiliates as The Muslims
Affiliate Terms and Conditions as The Force
Casinomeister (CM) as The Narrative Voice of Reason
AffPower Droid (AP Droid) as Kelly-Anne Conway
and
Guest starring Sheldon Adelson as Lord Vladimir Putin
Scene 1: Secret Meeting at Mar-a-Lago Club World
SF: Soooo guys. I don’t quite know how we won that, but it was the greatest goddamn court case. The greatest ever. Greatest. I have the greatest court cases.
AP: Good, my young apprentice. I can feel your hate. Ah, yes. An expensive lawyer, much like your brother’s. By now you must know that Warren can never be turned from the Dark Side. So will it be with you.* How are our plans for the ultimate weapon developing?
SF: First, we must drain the swamp. Martyn and Karolina have run a steady ship for far too long. We must eliminate them. I do the best eliminations. The best.
AP: Though I sense great fear in them, they are powerful. We must strike at their hearts if we are to break their will.
CB: We have lots of money. Maybe they will just take a nice payoff to keep quiet.
AP: FOOLS. This is not about money. This is principle. If we are to Make Affiliate Edge Great Again, we must first destroy their legacy.
SF: But how, oh mighty Emperor?
AP: We will use rewrite our affiliate terms and conditions to limit affiliate earnings. That way, we will fill Martyn’s email inbox with so many complaints, his hair will fall out and he’ll have no choice but to quit.
SF: I have the greatest hair. So much hair. And I’m rich. So rich. So successful. And we will detag players from affiliate accounts. This will make me even richer, whilst increasing company EBITDA, making us ripe for a sale. What else can we do?
AP: We will stop using loads of payment methods to prevent players from withdrawing balances.
SF: That’s great. Karolina will be swamped with complaints and she’ll be forced to leave. My plan is the best.
AP: Fire at will commander.
Scene 2 - Back at the Las Vegas Kremlin
AP: My master, our plan is coming together. I have those simple Cock Brothers believing in our plan to "Make Affiliate Edge Great Again".
SA: Excellent komrade. One of the leading offshore US casino groups will soon be destroyed forever and the players will be forced to come to the Venetian. GONDOLA TRIPS FOR EVERYONE.
Scene 3 - The Rebel Base Forum
CM - Hey ‘Management’. You do realise that about 90% of your business comes from the affiliates you are pissing off right?
SF: My ratings are great. I have had no complaints. None. Anything you say is Fake News. Fake.
CM: I have just had to explain to Ted Loh’s wife that you have deprived a dead friend’s family of vital income.
SF: I have read the constitution. Is his wife even allowed to talk?
CM: You are heading to the Rogue Pit.
SF: I have the greatest pits. My pit is bigger than yours.
CM: Bigger than Webzcas' pit?
SF: The biggest. I would say darkest, but it is made of gold.
Scene 4 - Mar-a-Lago Club World
SF: Err, say, AffPower. You know your plan. Why is everyone now calling it FersterCare? People are saying that’s an oxymoron. Many people. I am not a moron. I have Casinomeister, fake news by the way, and GPWA, also fake news, terrible, telling me that this is a mistake. This will all Make Affiliate Edge Great Again right? AffPower?
AP Droid: “Mr Ferster. I am an AffPower Droid. You may call me Kelly-Anne, but do not try to grab between my legs, you will find only many shekels. I can speak many languages but I am not familiar with the languages or values of reason, decency, humility, shame, guilt or regret. I am here to inform you that my AffPower master has returned to the Planet Las Vegas Kremlin and will reside there with Lord Sheldon until you have successfully destroyed, sorry, made Affiliate Edge Great Again. In return, Lord Sheldon has agreed to grant you your wish of 72 virgins waiting for you at the gates of the ITC Limited Paradise.
CB: OK, this isn’t sounding all that great. First off, we are not affiliates and secondly, have you ever been to Manchester?
Scene 5 - CasinoMeister’s Bierhaus
CM: And that’s when the Cock Brothers knew they’d been duped. Cheers!
CREDITS MUSIC:
Waylon Jennings - Dukes Of Hazzard "Good Ol' Boys" Theme Song
Starring
AffPower (AP) as Emperor Steve Bannon
Stuart Ferster (SF) as Daft Donald Trump
Stuart/Warren Ferster (CB) as the Cock Brothers
Martyn/Karolina as the Swamp
Affiliates as The Muslims
Affiliate Terms and Conditions as The Force
Casinomeister (CM) as The Narrative Voice of Reason
AffPower Droid (AP Droid) as Kelly-Anne Conway
and
Guest starring Sheldon Adelson as Lord Vladimir Putin
Scene 1: Secret Meeting at Mar-a-Lago Club World
SF: Soooo guys. I don’t quite know how we won that, but it was the greatest goddamn court case. The greatest ever. Greatest. I have the greatest court cases.
AP: Good, my young apprentice. I can feel your hate. Ah, yes. An expensive lawyer, much like your brother’s. By now you must know that Warren can never be turned from the Dark Side. So will it be with you.* How are our plans for the ultimate weapon developing?
SF: First, we must drain the swamp. Martyn and Karolina have run a steady ship for far too long. We must eliminate them. I do the best eliminations. The best.
AP: Though I sense great fear in them, they are powerful. We must strike at their hearts if we are to break their will.
CB: We have lots of money. Maybe they will just take a nice payoff to keep quiet.
AP: FOOLS. This is not about money. This is principle. If we are to Make Affiliate Edge Great Again, we must first destroy their legacy.
SF: But how, oh mighty Emperor?
AP: We will use rewrite our affiliate terms and conditions to limit affiliate earnings. That way, we will fill Martyn’s email inbox with so many complaints, his hair will fall out and he’ll have no choice but to quit.
SF: I have the greatest hair. So much hair. And I’m rich. So rich. So successful. And we will detag players from affiliate accounts. This will make me even richer, whilst increasing company EBITDA, making us ripe for a sale. What else can we do?
AP: We will stop using loads of payment methods to prevent players from withdrawing balances.
SF: That’s great. Karolina will be swamped with complaints and she’ll be forced to leave. My plan is the best.
AP: Fire at will commander.
Scene 2 - Back at the Las Vegas Kremlin
AP: My master, our plan is coming together. I have those simple Cock Brothers believing in our plan to "Make Affiliate Edge Great Again".
SA: Excellent komrade. One of the leading offshore US casino groups will soon be destroyed forever and the players will be forced to come to the Venetian. GONDOLA TRIPS FOR EVERYONE.
Scene 3 - The Rebel Base Forum
CM - Hey ‘Management’. You do realise that about 90% of your business comes from the affiliates you are pissing off right?
SF: My ratings are great. I have had no complaints. None. Anything you say is Fake News. Fake.
CM: I have just had to explain to Ted Loh’s wife that you have deprived a dead friend’s family of vital income.
SF: I have read the constitution. Is his wife even allowed to talk?
CM: You are heading to the Rogue Pit.
SF: I have the greatest pits. My pit is bigger than yours.
CM: Bigger than Webzcas' pit?
SF: The biggest. I would say darkest, but it is made of gold.
Scene 4 - Mar-a-Lago Club World
SF: Err, say, AffPower. You know your plan. Why is everyone now calling it FersterCare? People are saying that’s an oxymoron. Many people. I am not a moron. I have Casinomeister, fake news by the way, and GPWA, also fake news, terrible, telling me that this is a mistake. This will all Make Affiliate Edge Great Again right? AffPower?
AP Droid: “Mr Ferster. I am an AffPower Droid. You may call me Kelly-Anne, but do not try to grab between my legs, you will find only many shekels. I can speak many languages but I am not familiar with the languages or values of reason, decency, humility, shame, guilt or regret. I am here to inform you that my AffPower master has returned to the Planet Las Vegas Kremlin and will reside there with Lord Sheldon until you have successfully destroyed, sorry, made Affiliate Edge Great Again. In return, Lord Sheldon has agreed to grant you your wish of 72 virgins waiting for you at the gates of the ITC Limited Paradise.
CB: OK, this isn’t sounding all that great. First off, we are not affiliates and secondly, have you ever been to Manchester?
Scene 5 - CasinoMeister’s Bierhaus
CM: And that’s when the Cock Brothers knew they’d been duped. Cheers!
CREDITS MUSIC:
Waylon Jennings - Dukes Of Hazzard "Good Ol' Boys" Theme Song
)
