Nice and clean

[Casinomeister]

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
UGLY: Your daughter has them.


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
UGLY: You're in them.


Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
UGLY: He looks better than you.


Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
UGLY: So are you.


Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
UGLY: With corrections.


Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
UGLY: She's a lawyer.


Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
UGLY: You have to wait.

hahaha

A gentleman was test driving his new Porsche, and decided to see what kind of top end it had. As he reached 125 mph he saw flashing lights in the rear view mirror.
With resignation he handed his license, and registration to the officer. The officer replied " Look this is Friday, and I really don't want to have to hassle with the paperwork, SO if you can give me a reason I haven't heard yet on why you were going so fast you can go".
The gentleman thought for some time, and finally replied " My wife ran off with a cop, and when I saw your lights I thought you were trying to bring her back " The cop smiled and said " Have a nice weekend "

One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, 'My son's choking!" He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up an announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's testicles, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

[Casinomeister]

Ha ha ha!

Two runner ups for this weeks newsletter!

Ha Ha

Bryan

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten
teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's
son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and
said, "I bet I know what it is? Flowers."


"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"


"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.


The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The
teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet
I can guess what it is? A box of sweets."


"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.


"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.


The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.
She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and put
it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.


"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.


The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of
the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.


"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.


The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I
give up, what is it?"


With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

ha ha ha

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says. "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance
with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look
fat in those pants."
From Adult Games

[meathead]

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in,
he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and
behold, she takes the seat right beside his.


Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip
or vacation?"


She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual
Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."


He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever
seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly
asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."


"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?"


"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American
men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers,
when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have
found that the best potential lover in all categories is the
Southern Redneck."


Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you.
I don't even know your name!"


"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends call me
Bubba!

[meathead]

A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus
Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother.
She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His
father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother
kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to
answer his stupid questions.


So he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the
bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?"


The bum replies, "Well, I am."


The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum
takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him
inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims,
"Jesus Christ, are you in here again!?"

Josh and his wife went to the state fair every year. Each time,
Josh would say, "I'd like to ride in that airplane."

And every year, his wife would say, "I know, Josh, but that
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

Then, finally one year, Josh and his wife attended the fair and
Josh said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year, I may never get another chance."

"That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars," replied his wife.

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you
say one word it'll cost you ten dollars."

Josh and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, but not a word is uttered by Josh or his wife.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land
and the pilot turns to Josh. "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Josh replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell
out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Ten things you should never say to a woman
during an argument ...

1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or
something?

2. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed
off!
3. "You're just upset because your ass
is beginning to spread."

4. "Wait a minute...I get it.
What time of the month is it?

5. "You sure you don't want to consult
the great Oprah on this one?"

6. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."

7. "Whoa, time out honey.
Football is on."

8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl
of Bitch Flakes this morning."

9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

10. "Who are you kidding?
We both know that thing ain't loaded."