Nice and clean

[The Dude]

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
UGLY: Your daughter has them.


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
UGLY: You're in them.


Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
UGLY: He looks better than you.


Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
UGLY: So are you.


Good: You give the birds and bees speech to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
UGLY: With corrections.


Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
UGLY: She's a lawyer.


Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: The postman had the same idea.
UGLY: You have to wait.

hahaha

 

[James Laws]

A gentleman was test driving his new Porsche, and decided to see what kind of top end it had. As he reached 125 mph he saw flashing lights in the rear view mirror.
With resignation he handed his license, and registration to the officer. The officer replied " Look this is Friday, and I really don't want to have to hassle with the paperwork, SO if you can give me a reason I haven't heard yet on why you were going so fast you can go".
The gentleman thought for some time, and finally replied " My wife ran off with a cop, and when I saw your lights I thought you were trying to bring her back " The cop smiled and said " Have a nice weekend "

 

[Terrence Murphy]

One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, 'My son's choking!" He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up an announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's testicles, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

 

[The Dude]

Ha ha ha!

Two runner ups for this weeks newsletter!

Ha Ha

Bryan

 

[Clarence]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten
teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's
son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and
said, "I bet I know what it is? Flowers."


"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"


"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.


The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The
teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet
I can guess what it is? A box of sweets."


"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.


"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.


The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.
She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and put
it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.


"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.


The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of
the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.


"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.


The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I
give up, what is it?"


With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

ha ha ha

 

[Austinstar]

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says. "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance
with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look
fat in those pants."
From

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[steve]

Josh and his wife went to the state fair every year. Each time,
Josh would say, "I'd like to ride in that airplane."

And every year, his wife would say, "I know, Josh, but that
airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

Then, finally one year, Josh and his wife attended the fair and
Josh said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this
year, I may never get another chance."

"That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars," replied his wife.

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you
say one word it'll cost you ten dollars."

Josh and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, but not a word is uttered by Josh or his wife.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land
and the pilot turns to Josh. "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Josh replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell
out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[steve]

Ten things you should never say to a woman
during an argument ...

1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or
something?

2. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed
off!
3. "You're just upset because your ass
is beginning to spread."

4. "Wait a minute...I get it.
What time of the month is it?

5. "You sure you don't want to consult
the great Oprah on this one?"

6. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."

7. "Whoa, time out honey.
Football is on."

8. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl
of Bitch Flakes this morning."

9. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

10. "Who are you kidding?
We both know that thing ain't loaded."

 

[martee]

HANGING BASKETS

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

 

[karlly]

Lets see how clever you really are...

I am going to ask you three questions. And you have to answer them instantly.


First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second. What position do you finish?

See the answer below...


Answer: If you answer that you arrived first, then you are absolutely wrong!!! because you overtake the second and you take his place so you arrived second!!! !!

To answer the second question don't take as much time as you took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last then you arrive...?


Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last if he was last!!!! The question is wrong! You're not very good at this are you???

Third Question Subject: *Very very Tricky maths! Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and a pen. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.

What is the total? (scroll down for answer)


Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don' t believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimals
(100s instead of 10s).

That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!!

 

[karlly]

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey," one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy." replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. "What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny bastard!"

 

[brat]

The statistics of sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends; it they are ok, then its you

 

[The Dude]

Subject: The Twins

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a
coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to
save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business,
her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found
out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother
was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job
of choosing her kids' names.

When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my
children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."
"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!"
She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She
waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother, "Denephew."

ha ha ha

 

[portia]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter, who took our order, carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they
concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is
prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon, and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to
the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that
we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

[peralis]

I know this has nothing to do with Gambling, but I find it hilarious....
You will need flash for this:

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