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Being Agoraphobic
by , 13th December 2008 at 05:17 AM (1246 Views)
After reading Babs blog entry about her FMS, I thought maybe I could write about my agoraphobia to help people understand.
In my mid 20's I started feeling funny a few times a week. My body would get hot, I would get sweaty, and I would have this feeling I was going to die, it would last a few minutes or more then it was gone. This continued for a year or so, I just thought that's how I was. Come to find out it was panic attacks.
Fast forward to my late 20's. I stopped wanting to go out too far away from my home town, even just to the next town over. This time, in my mind I knew something wasn't right with me. But I did not go to the doctor. I just dealt with it, I continued with my job which was in my home town, but didn't go out much. The panic attacks have gotten worse by now. Called 911 a few times, thought I was having a heart attack. Most people who get treatment early have a much better chance of getting better.
At the age of 30 I had my second daughter, she was about 6 weeks premature, so I was in the hospital for a few weeks before I delivered her. When I finally delivered her, the doctors took her away quickly to check her out, and brought her to the ICU. After they fixed me up, they asked if I wanted to see her. I was scared to leave the room. Imagine that! I had just had my daughter and was scared to go see her. My agoraphobia hit HARD, almost the instant I delivered her.
From that day on, I have had severe agoraphobia. It's hard to believe but it's true. Many people believe something happens to women and their hormones when they are pregnant to bring agoraphobia out. Others believe that it is genetic, and still others just think some people get it and some don't, like any other illness or disorder.
What does my husband and children think? My husband understands the best he can, but it's hard to understand something like this. He does the grocery shopping and takes my youngest daughter to birthday parties and such. I cannot be around a lot of people, I get too nervous. My older daughter (18) thinks I should just go out and my youngest daughter (almost 7) is ok with it. I bring her to school/dance/local shops etc..it hasn't affected her too much yet.
I have been on a few medications, some bad and some worse. The only way to find out if a medication is going to work for you is trial by error. NOT FUN. Go through hell for 2 months to see if the med is going to work, if it doesn't, go through another 2 months of hell etc....
After having this disorder since my mid 20's (I am now 37) I still cannot leave my town alone, I can however go about 20 minutes away with my husband. (my safe person) but it's not so enjoyable, I am always worrying, what if this, and what if that. Just recently I have been shopping at our local shops alone. It seems so dumb, wow you can go shopping alone, but it's a very big deal for someone who couldn't even leave their house last year.
Why can't I leave my house? It's a fear, just like any other fear. I know it's just in my mind, but I cannot control it, even with the meds I am on. My teenager always says to me "If I had agoraphobia I would just go out" believe me, it's easier said than done. Most severe agoraphobics never get better. We have good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours. You never know how you are going to feel. It's very scary. It hits anytime, I can feel great one minute and the next I am worrying that I am going to die.
There is a lot of discrimination that goes with mental disorders. We are wackos, loons, crazy, but we didn't ask to be like this. From writing this, I hope that I have helped some people understand. Maybe someone you know has this disorder and you think they are lying, or you stopped talking with them. Trust me, it's not made up and we cannot "just go out".
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